Husband's addiction
Hello!
I recently found out my husband has been addicted to pornography. He had been watching it up to a few times a day and even has spent hundreds of dollars purchasing content while we have been together.
Finding this out has made me feel diminished and like I am not enough for him. I have always wanted to be intimate more frequently than he does and he would often use the excuse he is too tired when I would try to initiate. When finding out he has been watching pornography daily it was devastating as I know from studies it can cause dysfunction in that area. I asked him why he felt the need to do it and he said he does it out of convenience. He said he does not know any of his friends that don't watch it and that he had always done it in relationships.
I just feel betrayed and belittled. I know it's a controversial topic because so many do it but I don't understand how a wife or any woman is supposed to feel comfortable with their significant other watching and looking at thousands of perfect bodied naked women.
I asked him to stop and he said he has. I am just worried he will begin lying about it and be more sneaky. How do I move forward with this and gain back trust to loose this insecure feeling I have now?
Am I overreacting?
Thank you!
You’re not overreacting. I went through something similar with an ex years ago and still struggle with my self image as a result to this day, and have never been able to be with a man who watches it out of fear it’ll happen again. My ex let me believe for two and a half years he had ED, when it was just a porn addiction. I spent hours trying to find us a good doctor, I found him testosterone boosters, I tried everything I could to be a good supportive woman while we had no intimacy hardly at all. When I found out, it was devastating. It genuinely destroyed his brain’s reward system and he could no longer enjoy actual intercourse normally, and it happens much more commonly than most people think.
I still struggle every day wondering why I wasn’t enough when I, like you, was more “up for it” then he ever was. I wasn’t told by him about any of this until after we had split up for other reasons, but it was what caused me to go fully no contact with him forever. Your boundaries in your relationship don’t have to look like other relationships and you don’t have to settle for a man that prefers that over an actual sexual relationship. It’s become a pandemic and so many of them downplay the effects it has on the brain and on the self esteem of their partners. You’re not the problem, and you’re not alone.
No matter what you do for the moment, can stop years of addiction. There needs to a psychological counseling by a psychologist for de addiction and gaining back the trust
Have they read Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction? I have a link for a copy of the e-book in a Dropbox. Everyone is welcome to download a copy if it will help. https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/bq7zwwxt3i8fs8kbb8p2b/Your-Brain-on-Porn-Internet-Pornography-and-the-Emerging-Science-of-Addiction-Gary-Wilson-Anthony-Jack-Z-Library.epub?rlkey=vddbn9nchjybjx3r0prehmdbs&st=tycykq9p&dl=0
@Saphirefly You are not overreacting at all. Your husband sounds like a misogynist and a user. Please prioritise your mental health and personal preferences. Do not be gaslit, own your respect and never accept something below your standards. I wish you a blessed and safe resolution.
@Saphirefly
I believe you are certainly NOT overreacting and how you feel about your partner's behaviour looks to me as perfectly normal and sound.
It seems that your husband must be addicted to pornography. It is kind of like an addiction to alcohol, but with different "object". Opposite to alcohol addiction, the solution would be not to become asexual, but to get back to normality.
I think him going to an SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) or SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meetings could be of some, though maybe little, help.
I doubt it stops without help of a professional therapist (a psychologist, a sexologist or both).
I am truly sorry to hear you might feel ignored and neglected as the result of your husband's addiction. I think two people caring about each other's needs (including both emotionally and sexually) is one of the best things in a happy marriage.
@Saphirefly
I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it sounds incredibly painful and confusing. I’m 22 and haven’t been through something like this myself, but I can imagine how hard it must be to deal with feelings of betrayal and insecurity, especially when it’s coming from someone you trust and love.
It’s completely normal to feel hurt and to wonder if you’re “enough.” The fact that he was prioritizing something else over intimacy with you—especially when you wanted that connection—makes it really hard not to feel diminished. Your reaction isn’t over the top; it’s rooted in a desire for closeness, honesty, and respect, which are all so important in a healthy relationship.
Building trust again is tough, and it’s something that takes time and consistent effort on both sides. It could help to have some open conversations with him about how you’re feeling without letting it turn into an argument. Try focusing on sharing how this situation has impacted your self-esteem and your sense of security. If he understands the weight of this for you, he might be able to better understand why it’s so important to rebuild trust.
Some couples find that setting shared boundaries about things like pornography or seeking support from a counselor together can help them process feelings and reconnect. You deserve a relationship where you feel valued, secure, and connected, and if both of you are willing to work toward that, it can really help you move forward. You’re not alone in this, and your feelings are valid.
🌸🌷(For beauty and resilience)
