Here I go on a new guilt trip again

I don't know something's becoming strange about me. The more I'm moving forward (not from anything.. moving in time- space frame i meant) the more weird things are becoming?

I have failed a certain exam 2-3 times by now and have been stuck with a doomed career thanks to the family pressure. I was never allowed to make any life choices or career choices, i always did/ try to do whatever was asked of me to do by my family and so guess what.. I miserably failed in the exams i never liked and now I'm jobless. :)

But that's not the point.. point is NOW when I'm almost 25, my family has given me the freedom to choose anything and now i don't know what to do. I have this feeling of failure, guilt and self hatred so much built up that even choosing the right field is getting really frustrating. You know, I just spent my last 1 hour looking for DISSERTATION TOPICS! Dude, I am yet to decide a field of study I want to continue my higher studies master's course but i started looking if I'd be able to prepare any work in that field now. Am i even that capable? I have filled forms for not 1 field but 3 fields of specialisation because of the constant feeling of what if i don't pass their college entrance exams I gotta have a back-up right? but then what if i don't even get the back-up? WORST, what i I GOT THE BACK-UP?

There's a jon that I really like but my parents hate it and hence never let me try for it in the past, and once i crossed the eligibility age criteria, they went now you can choose whatever you like. I finally found a substitute to it which is lesser but similar and equally intrigues me so secretly I am working and preparing for that also (since it's a govt job, it has another entrance exam *sigh* *when will entrances leave me alone fr*) so I'm like what if i fail in that exam and don't get the job, so i gotta have back-up. Hence the higher studies and college.

Coming to present, after looking for the dissertation, i sat down and started checking if I'll be able to get subjects for it? what if no one helps me fill up my research paper? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? GET ADMISSION FIRST! Seeing my friends doing great and even my juniors are starting to get job after they've finished their masters and I'm still a graduate w/o a job stuck writing this post and just failing being a constant burden on my parents... it's really frustrating.

Again, no idea why i started writing this or what i expect in return from the reader but other than "just go back to studying, already"... any other suggestions? How do i break this chain of guilt? I know I've failed more than i should but [once i was called to be the a very stubborn person (in good way, who'd finish stuff no matter what and had will power of an ant] i'm so frustrated with myself and so underconfident that i want to just have back-up to back-ups and yet feeling what if i fail in all? I'm the eldest child of the family... I don't want to stay as a burden forever t-t

I don't want diamonds and stuff.. i just want MY social space back. When "I" used to be something in the society too. Anything more than a burden would do it.
(PS: pls, don't ask me to socialise - my "friends" are not much in touch anymore because they got stuff to do unlike me and my family doesn't like me so we try to keep our distances; or hobby- i hate hobbies, i usually end up throwing whatever I'll be having around me if i try getting into hobby, they frustates me)