Gaslighting - What it is?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality. People who experience gaslighting may feel confused, anxious, or as though they cannot trust themselves.
Gaslighting can occur in personal or professional relationships, and victims are targeted at the core of their being: their sense of identity and self-worth.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the name of a 1938 play and 1944 film, Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she has a mental illness.
How Gaslightining Work
Gaslighting is a method of gaining control over someone else. It works by breaking down a person’s trust in themselves while increasing how much they trust or depend on the abusive person.
In relationships, gaslighting often begins gradually. The abusive person gains their partner’s trust, sometimes with an initial “honeymoon period” in which there is no abusive behavior. Then the abusive person begins suggesting that their partner is not reliable, that they are forgetful, or that they are mentally unstable.
Over time, this can cause people to question if their partner is right. The more this happens, the more power and influence the abusive person has.
Unable to trust themselves, the person may start to rely heavily on their abusive partner to recall memories or make decisions. They may also feel they cannot leave.
Signs of Gaslighting
“One of the really difficult things about gaslighting is that it’s confusing at its core,” Paige Sweet, PHD, Assistant Professor of Sociology at University of Michigan, says. “It’s meant to confuse you, and so it’s really hard to identify it,” she says, adding that it often comes from someone you care about and trust.
Some potential signs that someone is experiencing gaslighting include:
- feeling uncertain of their perceptions
- frequently questioning if they are remembering things correctly
- believing they are irrational or “crazy”
- feeling incompetent, unconfident, or worthless
- constantly apologizing to the abusive person
- defending the abusive person’s behavior to others
- becoming withdrawn or isolated from others.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You feel as though you can't do anything right.
- You wonder if you are " good enough " partner.
How to respond to gaslighting
“The most distinctive feature of gaslighting is that it’s not enough for the gaslighter simply to control his victim or have things go his way: It’s essential to him that the victim herself actually come to agree with him,” writes Andrew D. Spear, an associate professor of philosophy at Grand Valley State University in Allendale, Michigan, in a 2019 paper on gaslighting in Inquiry.
Gaslighting is meant to provoke uncertainty and self-doubt, which is often harmful to a victim’s mental health so people who experience it need to make sure they look after theirs.
Finding safe ways to document events, create a safety plan, or leave a relationship are important ways to protect oneself from gaslighting, as well as other forms of emotional abuse.
Have you heard these phrases below?
“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head."
https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-gaslighting/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/gaslighting#summary
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
Once I called someone out for gaslighting me and they responded with, “that’s not gaslighting—you don’t even know what gaslighting is.” So I told them exactly what it is. That ended the conversation but of course that will not change the person’s behavior. My ex also had a tendency to gaslight. Typically only to avoid admitting any wrongdoing or to avoid apologizing by saying, “I already apologized for that,” when I knew full well I never received even the slightest show of remorse from him.
People’s reasons for gaslighting aren’t always the same, but they usually should be considered a red flag. Walking away from energy vampires and people who make you feel bad about yourself is always a good idea. 🩷
@spicyavocado3788
Hi,
As you mentioned, denial and lying is a typical behavior of gaslighters. You would never get a decent apology for their bad behaviors it is always gaslighting, denying and lying. They seem to have their own reality that the live in.
I am sorry you had an ex who had these traits. Even the slightest interaction with them, takes some much energy, I can't imagine how it had been like for you.
I definitely agree with you that walking away is always good in these situations.
🤍
