Confusion about the future

so this is going to be me venting about what has been on my mind about the future. I am genuinely thankful for every single piece of advice:) Feel free to share your stories and experiences about this topic as well!

Right now, I am in my final year. I have (somehow) navigated through school and all that crap without having a major breakdown. However, instead of that, during the previous years, I have continued to feel more and more insecure and confused. Because everything is happening so fast. One moment, I am just, you know, a kid, and right now, I have to take decisions I feel like I am nowhere capable of taking. And I am feeling more and more overwhelmed, so I don’t take any long-term decisions, which makes me feel even more overwhelmed.

I am really, really terrified, to be honest. I am terrified of taking my finals in half a year, I am terrified of what comes after, I am terrified of adulthood in general. But mostly, I am terrified of taking those important decisions and taking the wrong ones, and growing up doing just some stuff to get around, and then one day, I will just realize I have wasted most of my life doing just something. I don’t *** want that.

One reason for that is probably my age. I am still a Minor. I am younger than everyone else in my year and it makes me feel like garbage. I do not feel emotionally mature enough to decide what to do for the rest of my life. I feel like an effing 6 year old being thrown into the ocean, not knowing how to swim. I don’t feel ready. But the thing is, if I wait until I feel ready, I will never take any decisions. I am garbage in taking good, important decisions. Or at least I feel like I am.

Next thing: I feel as if I cannot get any real advice from real life people around me. Sounds shítty, is shittty. I know that technically I could talk to my parents, my friends, my sister, man, there are people who work at our school who help people like me professionally. But I am extremely hesitant when it comes to sharing my real feelings with others. It makes me feel vulnerable. And I feel like I am a problem when doing so. It’s easier to say everything is fine and just nodding and saying yes. Of course, I joke around with my friends. They know I am not feeling ready. In a way. But I have never had friends to which I completely emptied my feelings to. I don’t do that with them, I don’t do that with my family. I do it online, sobbing, in front of my stupid Tablet because I cannot express my feelings without feeling like a burden to others. I have did it before, two times I remember specifically, and it was only because everything had gotten so bad that I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Nothing happened after that. I specifically told my parents that I want a therapist to be able to talk someone for once, but nothing happened. So I didn’t bother anymore.

Speaking of: my parents. Specifically why I just cannot share my feelings with them, or only occasionally. I have never had a great Bo d with them. Throughout my childhood, I had difficulties with them, mostly my mom. I have been a *** child, very much, because I was never satisfied. And ever since I remember, I knew not to tell Mom about my feelings, because in some way, it would be turned against me. She complains because I do not want to share anything with her, but each and every time, something is my fault. Mostly my laziness, my stubbornness, my ignorance. I was told to be an emotional burden, a financial burden, never satisfied, never sharing, lazy, ungrateful, whatever crap. I hated it, now I am deaf to her anger. I just turn off my feelings and listen and nod and continue. She says that she doesn’t know what she has done in her past lives to deserve us (my siblings and me), that she wanted to end herself and everything. But to be fair: she has got a point. I have three siblings, youngest severely disabled and just as much of a burden and a blessing. Second youngest: my brother, probably neurodivergent, and because all of the attention goes to my youngest sister, he has taken to try to get any attention possible, by being an annoying ***, and is frustrated because he does not get any positive attention. I try to give it to him, but it is hard. Second oldest is my sister, probably the closest human relationship I ever had, however probably autistic, plus depressed, and her ups and downs always drag me along as well. Then there is my dad, who loves mom infinitely, but is the reason she had to give up her career and stick to us kids. He is the only “provider”, working most of the day and trying to compensate the *** that mom can’t fix when he is back home. Mom herself has to do all the *** at home, because we kids are either not able to do anything or just find it easier to ignore tasks until they are done by someone else. Usually my parents. In my parents defense: their parents have really not been the best ones, and I think their abuse has kinda led to some trauma in my parents? Idk though, I am in no way qualified to judge. So, all in all, I have learned that it is much easier to just not share my problems and handle them myself, because it is much easier for them if I am the sunshine kiddo that makes up the dysfunctionality of this family.

Back to the real problem: growing up. Because I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I feel like I have to take the best-paying job that is offerable, but on the other hand, I want to do something I love. But I don’t know what that is. My current plan A was to take a job that I figured out some years ago would fit me, and until now, I have just stuck to it. Right now, I have no *** clue what to do anymore. I figured that, hey, you should do things you love, but in reality, everything that I like involves complete escapism and does not usually earn me or anyone a living. So the decision is: do something I love or something that pays well? I have always looked forward to independence, to getting away from this *** up family of mine that I love and hate, and most importantly, find something that makes me me. But at the same time, I don’t know how I am going to afford that, and man, this world is not one where you can get along well without money (yes, capitalism sucks), and just generally, everything feels like it is spiraling downwards; economy, nature, and we don’t want to talk about morality .

In the end, I am happy if someone out there in the depths of the internet will read this and actually think: “hey, I know something “ or “man, I feel exactly this right now”. Just dumping everything on here does help somehow. I hope everyone who stayed around until here has an even greater day than ever before:)