Complicated person

Can someone tell me what this is?

I realized I don't live the way I want whenever I'm around people.

My daily life when someone is around is different from when no one is around. I went about my days much more comfortable and relaxed when I'm alone, but whenever anyone is around me, whether a friend came visiting or I went to my hometown, it's like walking on ice, every move is calculated, every word is carefully chosen, every behavior is calmly expressed, regardless of who it is. It's uncomfortable but the level of discomfort depends on my relationship with whomever I'm with. I've never truly missed not being around people, but I've missed not being alone, times without number. The way I'd crave my alone time and space whenever I'm spending a little too much with people is too intense, it's the same way babies would cry to be breastfed after a long time. The maximum I'm always able to endure is 5hrs before it start to stress me out. I'd get this burning sensation inside of me, tho I cannot show it. My mood would have changed, and I'll start to respond aggressively, or becoming rude. Although the self-aware ME cannot be rude to an elderly person, but if I can't escape the moment because it's an elderly person that I'm scared of like my sister then I'd pay for it by crying when I finally get to be alone. I don't know how it happens, I hope I'm wording this correctly. I've never gotten tired of being alone. But I always get tired of being around people(like being exhausted in my head) it's like I use too much energy for just being around people. And the thought of permanently having to be around people gives me anxiety, it makes me panic anytime I remember I'll be graduating from here, I'll go back home and be around people all the time. It's easy to cope with little meetings like school classes, semester breaks knowing well I have my space to go back to.

I experience tons of feelings that I cannot even explain what they are or where they're coming from and there's no one to explore with me. That even sound silly, everyone's got their life, so... Yh. Perhaps this is why I feel so alone in the world, I see nobody with me at all. Anyone would tell me I have my family that takes care of me. But what's this called then? I guess actual affection, love, attention and care is different from when someone is just your responsibility and you have to take care of them. That's how I feel towards my so-called family, this is why I must meet their expectations of me. I can't afford to not appreciate their sense of responsibility. I can't afford to disappoint them. I gotta make sure I'm impressing them, in disregard of myself. It's not that I'm of such big importance anyway, if I am, then I'd have gotten all the simple affections and listening ears I thought i deserved. I gotta keep my heads up for them. Perhaps this works for the best.