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SOFFY9
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts208 Forum posts26 Forum upvotes171 Current upvotes171 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJune 26, 2024
Recent forum posts
Reliving Traumatic past
Family & Caregivers / by SOFFY9
Last post
 October 28th
...See more IS THERE A WAY OUT? For the first time ever, I ended up speaking about my traumatic past to a friend a few days ago, (unplanned) which made me realized that in fact it's not a past, and I'm just trying to act cool. It still hurts and it's even more frustrating that I'm not out of it and I can't get out of it and it's never ending. I'm very very exhausted by the thought of that person, I don't wanna be her in sight, I want her away from my life. But I have no power to do this, I feel trapped in a hole. In fact, my whole life feels like a trap with this person in it. She literally raised me from the age of 12, (I'm currently 19) so how is it possible to be out of it, she's seen like my second mum. Being a last born, nobody took me for real and they never will, "she just lacks tolerance, just endure it" that's what they say, while I was slowly running insane and losing myself. Even tho there were signs, my family will rather blame things on me than think that my sister might be doing something wrong. My performances dropped, I quickly went from an excellent kid to an average kid my first few months living with her. I became the kid that doesn't like to eat, even tho my sister is capable of feeding me whatever I wish to eat. I lived everyday of my life, 2017-2021, in constant fear of the person I lived with which is my big sis (firstborn) it was as if i didn't exist before then, those 4 years feels like my whole life span, I'm still living there. I have no memory of who I was before 12. She scares the life out of me. I had to endure everyday telling myself that I'll be fine once I'm out of that place and I did enter university but that doesn't cut it. I thought that would be the end, but here I am again. Moreso, she's just a call away. I'm the girl that hates closing hours during secondary school cos I don't wanna be home, I'm the girl that hates Fridays because we don't go to school on weekends and I'll always be the first one to agreed to a weekend lesson whenever a teacher suggested it. And even now, I don't wanna be home during semester breaks, I'll be resuming my 4th year next month and my course is 5 years, the thought of graduating is beautiful but also saddening. I'll no longer have my space and I'll have to go back home. I'm just a last born, a soft girl apparently, so I can't even make the decision of not going back home after graduation. Is there anything I can do? To relieve my chest? Is there anything I can do to relieve myself from this nightmare of a person? I didn't have anyone to tend to me as much as I craved growing up, several times I wished someone asked me if I was okay and tried to get me out of that place but no one did and no one will. Everything my sis has ever done for me only burdens my soul. I'm never truly excited by the thing she has done for me, I just put on that face to make her feel appreciated. I rather feel frustrated and guilty to have her take care of my needs. What could I have done?. Nobody knows how uncomfortable it is being around her, how terrifying is her voice and how sharp her words is. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of her yet again, cos we started to seem close, and that is because we recently had an issue which kept us out of contact with each other, tho those periods were very peaceful for me but my family won't watch that go on. Out of sight, out of mind right? I'm terribly stucked in a life that I don't wanna live. The only place I am myself and free is my self-contained room(hostel). I considered myself very brave cos I still go home during semester breaks, tho I always rush back to school, lying that we resumed already. Even tho the most I've spent during those breaks is just 3 weeks, it usually feels like forever. I have to be mentally, thoroughly and physically prepared when going home cos I know it's never going to be nice. To spoil it all, this person is still the same, she's one who doesn't care about what she says to me. She speaks whatever she wants and say it however she wants. She is the older one(34y.o) ofc my feelings won't matter, once I'm physically well. I'm from that kind of family. I wanted to disappear many times but I'm not capable of doing that, I can't even financially be responsible for myself. It doesn't matter how many times she hurt me whether in the past, in the present or future, I dare not say a word or feel a thing cos I shouldn't have existed.
Young but old
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more Everyone believes or say "Time goes by so fast, one time we were a kid and another we become old nearing our deaths" but I just never relate to this. Although I'm young, I feel Soo old, time is going so slow over here. I feel exactly like an old person nearing their death, but I'm just in my late teens. I don't know what something went wrong, I just hope one day, life will feels normal for me too. That being said, I never had the regret of learning something too late, rather I learnt a lot too early, I never had a meaningful conversation with anybody around my age. It's always people older than me with at least a 6 years age gap and further. And when anyone ask me about my future goals, it's as if I'm already in the future, I don't see any future, my mind would went blank as if that part of the script was omitted. I'm not excited about the future, or looking forward to or eager. I'm just here. Just in 19 years of living, it feels as if I've lived thru from a toddler to a 60 years old tho I'm the type that believes there's more to come, but my head is already fully stuffed. Someone tell me they're the same pls, I can't be alone lol
Lone
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 October 29th
...See more Does anyone else ever feels like they want to talk to someone but still feels that they don't want to talk to anybody. You feel the sudden urge to have someone you can open up to but you can't make a new connection with anybody, it doesn't feel safe but you really crave to be heard and tend towards. You normally enjoy your time alone and you love being alone many times but all of a sudden you'd feel this big wave of loneliness
Mentally exhausted
Depression Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 July 20th
...See more I want to cry every time now. Just in a few seconds, I went from cheerful to moody. I can't explain it too, if you'd would ask me why, I don't know too. I feel deep anger and sadness, I feel like I need to cry to feel better, after then every little thing, frustrate me and all I wanna do is cry. This is why I love to be alone. It adds to my anger and frustration when there are people around and I can't cry as much as I want, it angers me so much that I feel like I'm gonna burst. Being talked to, being questioned... Fuels it all and I'd feel like I'm burning inside, this is so painful, it's so painful and I'm very tired. That feeling comes at me anytime and for absolutely no reason. I've been like this for a serveral years and when it happens, it lasted for more than 24hrs
I'm just tired
Anxiety Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 July 6th
...See more .
New member
Newbie Hub / by SOFFY9
Last post
 July 1st
...See more Hello all. I'm Soffy, a 19 year old computer science undergrad. I don't know me, all I know is I'm not fine, other days I'm good, most days, I'm down, mixed emotions, sad, angry, empty, extremely silent that I don't wanna be ask questions, cos I don't wanna open my mouth. If I looked around, all my bored go-to activities, became unenjoyable, would just be sitting there, looking lost, mostly on the ground, cos it's more comfortable there. Those moments, I don't wanna hear human voices, especially if directed to me, it pisses me off, and fuel my anger but I never showed any of those feelings. They're embarrassing cos they just came at me for no reason, randomly, then I start sleeping, woke up and sleep again, till it's dark. Then sleep again all night. On my good days, I don't sleep at night if I slept enough during the day. I don't know what all these is. Other times, I feel like I need to cry to be okay or break something, even tho I've never broken anything cos of that. Any help? I just wanna know and be fine
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