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SOFFY9
1 4,205 M Seeking Light 5
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts406 Forum posts50 Forum upvotes263 Current upvotes263 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceJune 26, 2024
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Just very tired
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 3 days ago
...See more I'm exhausted Overwhelmed Need a break It feels like I need my body parted away from my soul That much break
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Complicated person
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 December 12th
...See more Can someone tell me what this is? I realized I don't live the way I want whenever I'm around people. My daily life when someone is around is different from when no one is around. I went about my days much more comfortable and relaxed when I'm alone, but whenever anyone is around me, whether a friend came visiting or I went to my hometown, it's like walking on ice, every move is calculated, every word is carefully chosen, every behavior is calmly expressed, regardless of who it is. It's uncomfortable but the level of discomfort depends on my relationship with whomever I'm with. I've never truly missed not being around people, but I've missed not being alone, times without number. The way I'd crave my alone time and space whenever I'm spending a little too much with people is too intense, it's the same way babies would cry to be breastfed after a long time. The maximum I'm always able to endure is 5hrs before it start to stress me out. I'd get this burning sensation inside of me, tho I cannot show it. My mood would have changed, and I'll start to respond aggressively, or becoming rude. Although the self-aware ME cannot be rude to an elderly person, but if I can't escape the moment because it's an elderly person that I'm scared of like my sister then I'd pay for it by crying when I finally get to be alone. I don't know how it happens, I hope I'm wording this correctly. I've never gotten tired of being alone. But I always get tired of being around people(like being exhausted in my head) it's like I use too much energy for just being around people. And the thought of permanently having to be around people gives me anxiety, it makes me panic anytime I remember I'll be graduating from here, I'll go back home and be around people all the time. It's easy to cope with little meetings like school classes, semester breaks knowing well I have my space to go back to. I experience tons of feelings that I cannot even explain what they are or where they're coming from and there's no one to explore with me. That even sound silly, everyone's got their life, so... Yh. Perhaps this is why I feel so alone in the world, I see nobody with me at all. Anyone would tell me I have my family that takes care of me. But what's this called then? I guess actual affection, love, attention and care is different from when someone is just your responsibility and you have to take care of them. That's how I feel towards my so-called family, this is why I must meet their expectations of me. I can't afford to not appreciate their sense of responsibility. I can't afford to disappoint them. I gotta make sure I'm impressing them, in disregard of myself. It's not that I'm of such big importance anyway, if I am, then I'd have gotten all the simple affections and listening ears I thought i deserved. I gotta keep my heads up for them. Perhaps this works for the best.
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Is it being tired? Laziness?
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 November 22nd, 2024
...See more What is this feeling when you just don't want to do nothing but the list of things to get done overwhelmed you to the point of crying. The thought of how you have to keep your feet running for that future. Without the willpower to do anything, the feeling as if I'm being forced to live because there's no other choice. When I gotta keep my feet on the ground to show I'm still that girl, to show that I'll meet their expectations, to show that their effort and investment in me will not go in vain, to show that I can do it, what they want me to, for my own future, but deep down that I don't want to do anything no more. It's either I ride on, (forcing myself) or I get out of here. I don't know how to get out of this situation, I don't the things that I want or the things that would make me happy. You might have imagined, there's this BTS person in my life, shaping my life uprightly, hoping for me the best future. But this individual (me) is not that enthusiastic about the future or anything. It's all a lie just to look normal and not disappoint my person. But I've been getting too tired or lazy lately... Whatever it's called
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Lost
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 November 28th, 2024
...See more Help me out I don't even know what I want to do, and I'm not sure if I like software development that I do, basically front end. I don't even know and it's like I'm not progressing as expected, I think I'm not very serious, which might make my bro sad. He introduced me to this life and I took it on, but I just don't know any more. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of myself not meeting his expectations. I'm not as good and confident as he might have thought, tho I've had so many experiences since it's been 3 years. And this is exactly why I seem to not be progressing, others like myself are far away and I'm left behind, even those that have not been 3years like myself I'm the biggest disappointment I ever came across, he's been investing in me for years, but where's the result, even tho he always tells me "No pressure" but I can't help but feel it. I don't see my purpose here. I'm not even happy myself He even wants me to explore machine learning and AI, as it looks more promising, he's just a kind big bro looking out for his kid sis's future. Who's gonna tell him that I'm not who he thinks I am, that I'm not even sure of who I am or what brings me happiness. I'm not even conversant with a simple and popular language like Javascript, I can't utilize it tho I know it's concept. Who's gonna tell him how badly I hate me and being here. I just don't have a choice. I don't even know me no more. I don't know anything, I don't know what I want to do
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Reliving Traumatic past
Family & Caregivers / by SOFFY9
Last post
 November 17th, 2024
...See more IS THERE A WAY OUT? For the first time ever, I ended up speaking about my traumatic past to a friend a few days ago, (unplanned) which made me realized that in fact it's not a past, and I'm just trying to act cool. It still hurts and it's even more frustrating that I'm not out of it and I can't get out of it and it's never ending. I'm very very exhausted by the thought of that person, I don't wanna be her in sight, I want her away from my life. But I have no power to do this, I feel trapped in a hole. In fact, my whole life feels like a trap with this person in it. She literally raised me from the age of 12, (I'm currently 19) so how is it possible to be out of it, she's seen like my second mum. Being a last born, nobody took me for real and they never will, "she just lacks tolerance, just endure it" that's what they say, while I was slowly running insane and losing myself. Even tho there were signs, my family will rather blame things on me than think that my sister might be doing something wrong. My performances dropped, I quickly went from an excellent kid to an average kid my first few months living with her. I became the kid that doesn't like to eat, even tho my sister is capable of feeding me whatever I wish to eat. I lived everyday of my life, 2017-2021, in constant fear of the person I lived with which is my big sis (firstborn) it was as if i didn't exist before then, those 4 years feels like my whole life span, I'm still living there. I have no memory of who I was before 12. She scares the life out of me. I had to endure everyday telling myself that I'll be fine once I'm out of that place and I did enter university but that doesn't cut it. I thought that would be the end, but here I am again. Moreso, she's just a call away. I'm the girl that hates closing hours during secondary school cos I don't wanna be home, I'm the girl that hates Fridays because we don't go to school on weekends and I'll always be the first one to agreed to a weekend lesson whenever a teacher suggested it. And even now, I don't wanna be home during semester breaks, I'll be resuming my 4th year next month and my course is 5 years, the thought of graduating is beautiful but also saddening. I'll no longer have my space and I'll have to go back home. I'm just a last born, a soft girl apparently, so I can't even make the decision of not going back home after graduation. Is there anything I can do? To relieve my chest? Is there anything I can do to relieve myself from this nightmare of a person? I didn't have anyone to tend to me as much as I craved growing up, several times I wished someone asked me if I was okay and tried to get me out of that place but no one did and no one will. Everything my sis has ever done for me only burdens my soul. I'm never truly excited by the thing she has done for me, I just put on that face to make her feel appreciated. I rather feel frustrated and guilty to have her take care of my needs. What could I have done?. Nobody knows how uncomfortable it is being around her, how terrifying is her voice and how sharp her words is. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of her yet again, cos we started to seem close, and that is because we recently had an issue which kept us out of contact with each other, tho those periods were very peaceful for me but my family won't watch that go on. Out of sight, out of mind right? I'm terribly stucked in a life that I don't wanna live. The only place I am myself and free is my self-contained room(hostel). I considered myself very brave cos I still go home during semester breaks, tho I always rush back to school, lying that we resumed already. Even tho the most I've spent during those breaks is just 3 weeks, it usually feels like forever. I have to be mentally, thoroughly and physically prepared when going home cos I know it's never going to be nice. To spoil it all, this person is still the same, she's one who doesn't care about what she says to me. She speaks whatever she wants and say it however she wants. She is the older one(34y.o) ofc my feelings won't matter, once I'm physically well. I'm from that kind of family. I wanted to disappear many times but I'm not capable of doing that, I can't even financially be responsible for myself. It doesn't matter how many times she hurt me whether in the past, in the present or future, I dare not say a word or feel a thing cos I shouldn't have existed.
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Young but old
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 November 14th, 2024
...See more Everyone believes or say "Time goes by so fast, one time we were a kid and another we become old nearing our deaths" but I just never relate to this. Although I'm young, I feel Soo old, time is going so slow over here. I feel exactly like an old person nearing their death, but I'm just in my late teens. I don't know what something went wrong, I just hope one day, life will feels normal for me too. That being said, I never had the regret of learning something too late, rather I learnt a lot too early, I never had a meaningful conversation with anybody around my age. It's always people older than me with at least a 6 years age gap and further. And when anyone ask me about my future goals, it's as if I'm already in the future, I don't see any future, my mind would went blank as if that part of the script was omitted. I'm not excited about the future, or looking forward to or eager. I'm just here. Just in 19 years of living, it feels as if I've lived thru from a toddler to a 60 years old tho I'm the type that believes there's more to come, but my head is already fully stuffed. Someone tell me they're the same pls, I can't be alone lol
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Lone
General Support / by SOFFY9
Last post
 October 29th, 2024
...See more Does anyone else ever feels like they want to talk to someone but still feels that they don't want to talk to anybody. You feel the sudden urge to have someone you can open up to but you can't make a new connection with anybody, it doesn't feel safe but you really crave to be heard and tend towards. You normally enjoy your time alone and you love being alone many times but all of a sudden you'd feel this big wave of loneliness
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