Can we be better?
I’m so frequently taken aback by how cruel people can be and we really should be trying to be more respectful especially on a mental health platform like this.
somone posted on an “AskMen” thread what I thought to be a pretty reasonable question. It came with a bit of subtext to what the poster was feeling at the time and I can understand their frustration. They asked “why are men so easily threatened by women who know stuff and can talk intelligently and logically?” I thought this was a bit of a leading question and overgeneralized but I get it. People, including men, can be cruel and act poorly when they don’t have a clear and healthy perspective of themselves or the world.
the post below it from (Information redacted - See site guidelines ) read “because they have small……, um, egos 😂”.
this is disturbing how freely I find people making comments like this. It’s gross. It’s body shaming, and it’s misogynistic. I shouldn’t have to explain why this is despicable because my point is, why do we let this happen? Why are we so willing and encouraging towards misogynistic behavior that hurts men but ultimately everyone?
like seriously I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m doing everything I can to get better. I’ve had to switch therapists and because of the psychologist shortage right now that is proving very difficult. I have spent years doing research on the things that impact my self esteem, and my body image as a man, I’ve lost friends because I’ve tried to reach out to talk to them about how I’m feeling, most therapists I’ve spoken to show very little empathy towards what I’m going through as a man who’s struggling with just feeling pathetic in a variety of ways.
i feel like people think men don’t do anything healthy to try and resolve their feelings but as a man I feel like I’m screaming into the void and the void is telling me to shut up. I’m exhausted. Someone please tell me I’m not crazy.
@aquaSpruce8551 i get where you re coming from people dont expect men to be sensitive to things whenever we talk about mental health, mens mental health gets neglect more often but i do feel things changing and i feel that it doesnt matter what people say or what they think regarding your state of mind because lets be honest most people lack common sense on social media and i understand this as whenever i used to open the comments about the palestinian crises the comments were cruel and insensitive and it bothered me but i realized you know what they are misguided and lack basic human empathy and there isnt a lot you can do about this kind of people except for ignoring them, this was a reference to the askmen post you talked about. Everyone is constantly trying to make themselves feel at the expense of others god knows i ve done it a lot which is why we get like this and we have to start letting go of things and people who dont help our emotional state and try to find some power and confidence within. No idea if this is going to make any sense tho
@Reaper17 I do this too. Social media doesn't give much context in anything, and that includes comments. It's very easy to get angry and hurt bc of what people write, and they do write horrible things for various reasons, but they are just that. writings. on infinite note board, they don't mean much since you don't know who wrote those things, for that reasons, you can't connect them to a real person. Therefore they shouldn't carry so much weight in your mind. If people don't have any responsibility for their words, they don't get to move me with them. That's what I say to myself when I see people casually practicing f*scism in the comment section. free free palestine!
@varja i know right, people like you and me have access to say the same things spread that kind of hate but we choose not to and Lord knows i ve wanted to say things to people but you dont because you know its not gonna do you or anyone any good it wont amount to anything except me proving myself to be a not so well adjusted person which is what i learned when people be fascist like how inhumane do you have to be to say all that.
@aquaSpruce8551
wow I’m sorry to hear this has happened and that it’s not been picked up and deleted with the user attracting som points at least.
please don’t be discouraged if possible, the vast majority of us on this site are truly here to listen and thus hopefully support and uplift people, very least let people know that they are heard.
what’s happened if correct in what you have mentioned can be reported, and should be. It’s not what the sites about, you are more than right.
hope you are well and please believe this space for the majority part are glad you are here and happy as a consequence.
I was able to finally get a therapy appointment scheduled. A little worried since there aren’t many that deal with men’s issues in my area (again that’s discouraging because I live in a city of 1.6 million people). But I’m doing slightly better than I was during this post.
but ya that just hasn’t been my experience that most listeners are here to help. They seem to be continuing arguments they had years ago with someone else during our conversations. They say I make excuses. They say say men deserve to feel this way because of what women go through. It’s really difficult and I feel like I’m the only one trying to draw attention to it.
@aquaSpruce8551
Hey, you're not crazy. 💜 I feel like you're approaching things in a nuanced and mature way, and it sounds like a lot of other people are not.
That nuance is necessary and helpful, because the generalized narratives fail to describe reality accurately. People like you exist, and you don't fit into those generalizations.
You're not an evil, abusive, thoughtless man. It is true that there are men like that out there and nobody's claiming otherwise. But you're certainly not that. It's certainly not the case that all men are like that. Acting as though all men are like that erases the existence of people like you. And it erases the unique experience you've had of suffering *because* of men like that. (Toxic masculinity hurts men too.)
Re: things other people have said: you're not making excuses, you don't deserve to feel badly, and you shouldn't be made into a scapegoat for the sins of other people. You're you, you have your own experiences, you have your own things that you're trying to deal with, and your feelings matter as much as anybody else's.
***
I understand where the "all men are bad" perspective is coming from. After chatting with lots of females on here who are abuse/assault victims and have had a bad time with men being awful over and over again... I start to feel that way too sometimes. 😊 If I'm chatting with someone 1-on-1 and they tell me men are awful, I'll usually agree with them. (I'm fine with them thinking I'm some special exception to that rule.)
Part of the process of healing, growth, self-empowerment, self-protection, etc. for those people might involve asserting their own lived truth of "All of the men in my life have been horrific. Anytime I'm involved with men, something awful happens and I end up hurt/traumatized. I hate men, I'm scared of men, I don't want to be around men, etc." That's their personal experience, and maybe that's what they need to affirm in order to feel safe and establish a feeling of agency/control.
But yeah, when that type of perspective starts getting expressed in a *public* space and treated as an objective truth rather than a subjective experiential framing... it starts to crowd other perspectives out and things get really complicated and challenging.
@aquaSpruce855
Hello. I was both being a witness to it and taking part in the thread you are referring to. I was not sure how to react there, to not make things even more complicated. It is good you spoke about the subject, when you felt hurt.
First of all, in communities like ours there are lots of people who were in various forms hurt, belittled or abused. So our wounds, if still unhealed, can make us hurt other people, mostly with no wrong intentions or sometimes even without realizing that. I believe the same rule may apply to the world in general.
I think it is important to differentiate between misogyny (hatred and prejudice towards women) and misandry (hatred and prejudice towards men; usually nameless, but in my view still unfortunately more and more common nowadays).
Indeed, the opening question wasn't safe at all. It suggested both "all men are evil" and "all men are like that'".
The answer from one of our colleagues maybe was meant to be light-hearted, though it actually brought nothing to the solution of the problem, and was kind of (non-directly) depictive about male sexual organs - and I understand that was what could make you feel hurt, offended and far from being comfortable.
What is making the things even more complex is the fact I believe the poster was male (please, correct me, if I am wrong). It was definitely not misogynistic, but misandric (I hope that's the right adjective from "misandry"?). But also, if the comment was made by a male - is that still misandry, or a male (not very sensitive or the point, but still) self-criticism? Frankly, I don't know...
You expressed your opinion/feelings, and you were answered back. And this is the point at which I started to dislike it very much. Because this was the moment something like a "harsh joke" was turned personally towards you.
I think you may deserve an apology for that, though I think we could leave it to the original poster (I believe he's not a bad person, too, but it's human to make mistakes).
As a man who for many years has been trying to become a better person (in the light of a lot of the "black PR" against men, deserved or not), I feel we may be on the same boat.
I've noticed the discussion often gets fiery when the subject is on the "demilitarised zone" between feminity and masculinity. So maybe it is not a good place for such discussions at all?
Or maybe we should more often abstain from "men are like that" or "women are like that" perspective, but instead use "I was hurt by a particular person" perspective more often?
I am sorry to hear that taking part in the thread you mentioned has made you feel hurt, insecure or uncomfortable. I believe 7 Cups was intended to be a safe place for everyone.
I wish you all the best on your way to personal growth and happiness! 😊
