Another one of my pathetic stories- chapter: friendship, a pending question
TW, in case any.
So, I am kind of stuck in a loop now.
I have no friends. There, i said it. I hate the fact but `it's true. I am in my mid-20s. I have had a lot of "friends", but ultimately they never stayed. I have experienced some of the great friends one could have but none stayed by my side. The school ones used to bully me and made me think that i was worthless, so i guess when i grew up i had to finally move on from them so yea, that one was on me, for losing those friends. but during my college days, i met some of the best people of my life. they would care about me a lot. if i had asked ( am not particularly a very expressive person), they would have provided me with support in different forms but in the end, no one would want to rely on me for their worries. like, i was the last one to know stuff, they never shared their deepest secrets with me, even though i was not a snitch, i would always listen to what they are saying and give them practical advice (which my other friend used to call saint-like and philosophical, and we couldn't believe ourselves at times how a person like me could even be this philosophical) yet they would hardly tell me anything. finally, they started doing it and then things changed, i was the one they'd come to when in pain but that's all.. i still would be the last one to know the live updates of their life and suddenly one day they left me. just like that, they'll send me cold replies or ghost me or start meeting without me, saying since i have time issues it's impossible to align to my time but that would have made sense if it had been a one-time thing, but it's been more than a year since this has been happening and i feel abandoned once again. we haven't talked since the beginning of this yr. this yr, in my master's university i met a new bunch of folks and same, and they'll stay with me happy and carry with me all college activities but that's all, i am never a part of their social structure.
I know by this time i should realise that I am a red flag but i seriously don't know why. i have never in my life ever insulted anyone or even thought bad for anyone, i care for anyone and everyone that comes into my life. i try to make sure i don't burden them with my words, i have even stopped talking loudly and stopped talking too much to avoid them hating me, i have even started watching all those trending stuff to keep up with it all, yet at the end, i am abandoned and left just like that. i don't mind changing myself even more, i know i should be loving myself, but i am young, and just living alone staring at the wall or going on solo things have kinda started to bore me. i miss my voice, i hardly even speak since i have noone to.
Can anyone pls help me understand what might be wrong? i know you can't tell my red flags but at least if you could help me identify them and help make me less miserable. I know i sound so pathetic, but i don't know what else to do.
@lovingGrapefruit2611
From what I got from your post is although you have made connections sooner or later they sort of drift away may not invite you to things or ghost you.... you are curious to find out ways to find out why.
Have you asked anyone that you would trust to tell you? have you considered it may not even be you ...i had people who would come to me for advice or problems..... then someone else in group decided they wanted the role of advice giver .... in the group so started bad mouthing me to get others to come to her instead... if a group ghosts there was stuff said in my opinion and more often then not it is untrue.
in school and even workplaces ...i found that once we start to drift a new job or different direction in life .....no matter how many times of hey lets hang out/ have dinner or lunch talks it seldom happened and if it did was often awkward as the items we bonded over a difficult class or workplace issues are no longer there so we make pleasant conversation say lets do this again and never see them unless we run into them in public. So it can be a simple moving on occurrence and not a reflection on you.
I wonder as many on forum have had questions about this type of thing .... where do people get the idea that high school or college friends will sort of hang out a lot and gather for years and years down the road? I think that is a big outlier not the norm. It is out of sight out of mind many times and sure we can catch up or try to re-connect but without a common bond / interest friendships fade.
