Adult sibling betrayal
Hello all, I'm (f,48) having an issue with my sibling (f, 50). It actually happened about 10 years ago but I'm am still dealing with it emotionally. I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown which lasted for years since the cause couldn't be resolved. During that time I had strong suicidal ideation, which I made my sister aware of. She never checked in to make sure I was okay and over the years never brought it up or showed compassion. I figured she was just uncomfortable with it and didn't know how to handle it, so I didn't hold it again her. I believed she had my best interest at heart.
As happens under intense emotional strain, I began to act out of character. Nothing dramatic, just like staring a lot, having delayed reactions, numbing out, etc. This next part is hard to explain, I can't really make sense of it still, but my sister had made some changes to her appearance and suddenly started calling herself hot and believed that the changes in my behavior were because I was jealous of her. She started preening around, trying to provoke reactions out of me that aligned with this view. It didn't work, because she completely misread the situation, but I was deeply hurt by it. It felt like she didn't take my mental health seriously and was even willing to use me during a dark time to feed her ego. Incidents like these have been happening wherever I see her, though they are more toned down now. I was really forced to reevaluate my perception of her. I had given her so much benefit of the doubt over the years but had to realize that the childhood bully she was never went away, just shifted into something more subtle. She has been highly critical, mean, dismissive, and bossy over the years but also sometimes supportive. t's confusing.
When I confronted her, she denied everything which then felt like another betrayal, and just insult to injury. l still can't move though the pain of this because we weren't able to have an honest conversation. I feel used, dismissed, belittled. I have considered going no contact but in some ways she's seems supportive, though now I'm not sure if that's really true or if it's an act. I guess the question is, how do I move on when I'm mired in cognitive dissonance?
@Barniecle
You said it perfectly you gave her the benefit of the doubt...over and over and many people do nice things mixed in with being dismissive and mean. It gives them cover so no one calls them out. If she was a "friend" instead of a sibling you might have gone no contact a while ago.
When we are having a hard time and people are NOT supportive only dealing with them as seldom as possible.
I still have issues with my brother and we are both adults in our 20s. He still makes the worst decisions and is even immature. He almost took the life of my dad because he intervened when dad told my mom about the divorce.
@Barniecle Im so Sorry you have to go through that I feel the same way
@Barniecle
I feel for what you’re going thru. I can empathize due to the fact that I want a close relationship with my sister but have a mean girl instead. It aches me that she just walks by me and ignores me when I say something or will make fun of me in public then in other gatherings makes a big deal that we’re sisters and acts like we’re besties.
For me, and this is still a struggle not to get stuck in the hurt. But for me, I have to see beyond my hurt and see that she is acting this way for a reason. She’s hurting too and “hurting people, hurt people”. It helps to not take the attacks so personal.
Mental health is difficult to understand if you don’t struggle or want to understand. I’m sorry she wasn’t there to validate you and show you the attentiveness that you needed in your dark time. I pray for you to find someone who will meet those needs for you.
We can’t change people. It sucks but we can’t. We can’t control how people act or react. But we can control our own self. I can change the way I react to my sisters rejection. I can’t control her and make her be nice to me but I can accept that is who she is and control whose opinion I allow to matter to me. I fail at this daily but it doesn’t sadden or anger me like it did once.
I’m sending you so much peace and love. I hope you feel warm arms hugging you and letting you know you are not alone and you are so valuable.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this, too. Sounds like you are also exercising benefit of the doubt and empathy. But, unlike my situation, seem aware that you have to draw some emotional boundaries. I wish I'd been aware of this sooner, but instead, I got stuck in the benefit of doubt phase. I ended up hurting myself by proxy. Similar to your situation, she puts on a show for others, so I end up getting blamed or dismissed when conflict arises. I've extended a lot of empathy and understanding but at a certain point, I think it's self defeating. I'm working on distancing myself emotionally and having no expectations. This seems like the natural consequence of decades of bullying and ambiguity. I never know what to expect and am just tired of caring. It is tough to switch gears though, so I can relate to your struggle.
Thank you for your prayers. I hope that you will also find the support you need and find a way to release yourself from the pain. 💜💜💜
She denied everything but if I was faced with this situation I would tell my sister it’s how I felt and hope she would see the second conversation for what the impact was and maybe be more aware of how her actions may come off to me in the future.