What Makes A Listener "Good."
I used to use this website frequently, but now I only use it rarely. I saw the notification for this and decided to give my own response. Instead of asking for a listener here like everyone else, I'm just going to say what I think makes a listener good.
1) RESPOND. I have had many listeners that stop responding to me or block me for talking about my problems. I didn't get angry at them, I didn't say anything bad/disturbing, and I genuinely needed support for real problems. If you don't feel capable enough to handle a chat anymore, then please say so. Don't simply brush a person's problems off and ignore them. There have been times when that action alone (getting ignored after sharing my problems) has made me consider suicide. "Everyone around me hates me, and not even strangers will listen to me, so maybe I should just give up." Don't let someone get to that point. What if that was YOU getting ignored? It doesn't feel so great, does it?
2) Be sympathetic. Sometimes I wonder if people pay any attention at all to the listener guides and the qualification tests to become a listener. Does it not recommend how to speak to a person in need? Doesn't it tell you to say, "I understand how you feel," "If I were in your shoes, I would..." or ANYTHING that's remotely sympathic to others? Doesn't it also say NOT to give advice? I've seen many listeners blatantly give you "advice." They'll tell you to "DO THIS" or "DO THAT." They aren't suggesting it. They're demanding it. Then, they spit on your problems by telling you it's nothing or that you're in the wrong compeletely. I've even had listeners say that they aren't going to follow the listening guidelines at all. I wanted to explain to someone the importance of doing as this website asks, but I didn't feel like getting into an argument with them. They insisted that they didn't need to follow the rules.
One more thing about sympathy... If you really have nothing to say, you can find ways to relate to them. I do this on occasion with my listener account. Instead of JUST saying "I understand how you feel," I also explain why. I'll give a quick sentence or two to let them know, "Hey, I've been through this. My family also _____." I'm not afraid to get personal with these people. If I'm going to try to help them, I think they should know that they aren't alone in their struggles.
3) Listen. That's a no-brainer. Listen. That's all you have to do. Allow the person to vent, let them know you're there for them, and perhaps give them SUGGESTIONS (not advice) on how to handle their situation. Do not provide only one, such as "Go to a therapist." That is the most common suggestion I hear. It is a sure-fire way to make me angry. If you need help when handling a certain chat, there ARE people available for that. There are a lot of sources to run to if you find yourself in a difficult conversation. You can also just refer that person to someone else so you don't waste their time and they don't waste yours.
4) Be passionate. Have a reason for being a listener. Have a goal in mind when listening to others. I think one of the problems with inexperienced, newer listeners is that they have no real reason to be one. They take on general requests that they don't care about and drop the conversation soon after. Think about this: Why are you a listener? What is it that you're wanting to do? How can you help this person in need? When I first became a listener, I made it my personal goal to HELP members of this website and keep talking to them until they feel better. I was still very depressed at the time, so I made it my goal for those people to walk away with smiles on their faces or their tears dried. If I couldn't be happy, I wanted someone else to be. And, if I could make them happy, then I'd be happy. It gave me hope every time I helped someone.
That's all I have for now. If anyone else wants to share their thoughts about what they want from a listener, then please leave them below. :)
@BrokenShadow This is an excellent post, and you made very good points. While I have ran into some great listeners here, it's also true that I have ran into some listeners who needed help. It's very important that listeners pay close attention to the intitial training to be a listener, and also that they keep this training fresh by re-doing the initial training periodically. I know how easily I can begin to forget things, so that's why I go through the initial training every two months or so. There is also a great deal of other guides on a variety of topics, and these are very helpful. You nailed it by asking why someone wants to be a listener, and I would put it this way to new listeners. If you are going to be a good listener and help members in need, you need to be passionate about what you do here. You need to be a listener because you can't imagine doing anything else, because you can't imagine not being a listener. You need to be on fire with the love of the members that you serve here, and you need to care for them like parents care for their children. If you have this passion as a listener, and you put your heart and soul into what you do here, then you will do an immense amount of good, and you will help a lot of people.
I'll add something I would like to see from listeners. Listeners, I want for you to really stop and think each time before you take a general request. Do you have enough time to give this member that he/she can really feel heard and understood, to get out everything he/she needs to get out? Don't take a general request if you know you are going to have to go do something else shortly. Can you give your whole attention to this member? Can you be truly present for this member, and not have your mind on other things during the chat? Please focus on one member at a time, you are not going to help members by taking 4 or 5 chats at once. You will only spread yourself out among multiple members, none of whom you will really be helping. You can set your status to "busy" or "offline" when you are listening to a member, that way you won't get personal requests, and you won't feel bogged down by too many chats at once. So, to sum this up, only take a general chat if you have plenty of undivided attention to offer to the member, make sure you are completely and fully present for the member, and make sure your head is clear before you start the chat.
Listening to a member/guest on this site is an awesome responsibility, and one that should not be taken lightly. There are some amazing listeners here, so reach out to them if you are struggling. Request a mentor, they are very generous with their time, and will love nothing more than to help you become the best listener you can. If everyone within the listener community helps each other, members will get the help they need and deserve.
@Charlie33, I completely agree with your statement as well. There are wonderful listeners here, and there are listeners who have just started and have a long way to go. But honestly, I am so happy you found some people who do understand. Such people are hard to come by. I am glad you feel welcome here. As a listener, I am glad you found yourself a home in this fantastic community.
@Charlie33 Thank you for your thoughtful reply. :)