Looking for a friend to help me through tough times

Hi, I'm Beka. I've been on this site for quite some time now, but I haven't really connected with any listeners in the long term. There are so many lovely people on this site, but I realize that being there for someone for more than one time can be a commitment, and I commend those of you who do only talk to people once or twice, but I would like to try to find something longer term than that, at least to balance with the once time chats that I've had with so many lovely people. It's great to get different perspectives, but I want someone who I feel like knows me, someone who I can talk to in times of trouble and they already know everything I've been through and are able to help me through it, or at least lend a listening ear and help me to feel truly understood.

I feel as though I should share some things about what I'd like to talk about. I have been through a lot. I'm currently 22 years old, and I just graduated college with a double major in mathematics and music a few months ago. I'm still looking for a job. Well, sort of looking, I have a plan to take a series of tests to become an actuary and my first test is in September. I'm stressing about that a little, but it's not a big deal so long as I can put in the proper amount of focus to study. My time at college was rough, but I'm going to start at the beginning.

When I was 16 I started experiencing the symptoms of bipolar. I wasn't sleeping, but I also wasn't feeling good. I know I wasn't manic, but I was some combination of manic and depressed. I felt terrible all of the time, and I decided it would be better to end things. I'm glad that I didn't. I was caught trying to do it and sent to the mental hospital. It was kind of eye opening, but I was sent there two more times after that. Once the following year and once two years after that. Those years were a dizzying experience of new prescritpions and things to try. During my third hospitalization, I had to take a term off of school. While I was taking that term off of school, my boyfriend slept with a mutual friend. She told me that she had consented, but later tried to turn him in as having raped her. They found that he didn't rape her, even though she did protests afterwards and it felt like she was turning the whole school against us. The world felt like it was closing in on me during that time. While all of that was going on, I was sexually assaulted by someone else. I still haven't really dealt with that, but I think it's not harming me as badly as the ordeal with my boyfriend. The other guy did wind up getting in trouble for what he did to me.

I am on and off still in a relationship with that boyfriend, and I can't really parse through what needs to happen there. I don't know if I want to stay with him or not, it feels really complicated. I've also entered a friends with benefits thing with someone who I have been friends with for a long time, and that's going okay, not great, but okay. I don't think it's causing any emotional pain, so that's good. The pain is more rooted in whether or not to stick with the boyfriend.

As of right now, I'm diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder. I see a doctor, take my medications, and am starting to see a therapist, now that I'm done with college and in a single location. I'm looking for someone who can be there for me much like a friend would. I have professionals to help me through the really tough stuff and get me into a better place, but I'd like to have someone here who I can lean on like a friend. I don't have too many friends right now, so it's a little tough not having anyone to talk to.

Thanks if you read all of this. I look forward to who I might be able to connect with.