when all you are is the “therapist friend”

i should start sending a bill to these people for using me.

i’m so disillusioned with friendships. all i’ve ever wanted and strived for is to have a healthy, natural social life. yet it’s the one thing i can’t seem to ever get.

i’ve lost friends time and time again, and just when i think i have finally found my people, the pattern repeats. i notice i have 0 notifs, i reach out first usually all of the time, my messages go ignored, i listen to them and ask about their day, i travel to see them, none of these things are done in return. i give 90% only to get maybe 10% back. 

i can’t even feel sad anymore because this is such a common mishap for me, just genuinely frustrated. i don’t want to give my time anymore to people who couldn’t care less about me and if i was okay or in danger. but it’s so weird how it always seems to be the kindest people who are going through something who end up treating me like garbage. like im easily forgotten. 

this has happened specifically with like 2 people who i genuinely didn’t even think were superficial but now i seem to be mistaken yet again because i just feel used by them. it wasn’t always like this, but suddenly when im not as easily reached i NEVER hear from them. like… do u not think about me or wonder about me the way i do about u? why is it that i feel like im being a parent to these people? i’m so done. i don’t want to wait anymore for when and IF they decide to change, bc the odds almost always are that they won’t. why should they? they obviously don’t want to talk to me. i thought these were the kind of friends who we’d eventually start calling everyday, we’d be sharing the little things in life. but as soon as we become friends, it’s like we are not even friends anymore. like suddenly it’s back to total strangers. 

i feel like i should communicate this to them, but i honestly also think it would just get me nowhere. and a part of me is done with this constant situation. out of love and respect for myself, i’m done and just plain tired of waiting around for people who i deeply love and cherish to give me their attention. it feels like im begging for their consideration when they’re going about their daily lives not even once thinking of me.

so much for a “best friend.” once again, i have been used as nothing but a counselor, as a cushion when life was a bit too much that they needed to take it out on someone and then never bother to speak to them again. i just wish i knew what it was like to be wanted, to have people that WANT to hang out with you, to see you, not to use you only when they’re in need and nothing else is there to help. that’s NOT what friendship is supposed to be like, because it only ends up hurting like CRAZY in the end when i realize that they don’t even care about me. i’m sick of being used again and again. i’m a person and i would like to think im worthy of getting to know and going on fun adventures with and experiencing all of life with. i’m a human being not a therapist ai chatbot. all i ask for is for a genuine friendship. isn’t it simple?