random emo yapping 😭😭 idk
im not sure how relevant this is to this community, but i often feel such a strong maternal instinct towards my best friend. especially since they've been through a lot too, i just want to protect them and look after them and it might border on weird honestly idk 😭 i just want to make them some food and tuck them in and to say comforting things to them with the tone you would use to talk to a little kid. maybe i just want to feel needed in a way a child needs their mother. i do constantly grapple with feeling unwanted and unimportant to them- not because of anything they've done, just to clarify, but out of my own sheer paranoia thanks to some really shite past friendships. but anyhow, this doesnt feel at all like it comes from a place of needing self assurance. i just love them to little pieces and want to be the best part of their life, like they are in mine, and i just want them to feel even a tiny piece of that bc i care so much it hurts sometimes and they deserve to actually have it benefit them.
anyway, this might be less strange if i wasnt repulsed by the idea of actually having kids. i really really dont want to be an actual mother, i can hardly stand small children in general, so why do i find myself wishing i could be that for my friends? and why cant i fulfil it, not even to a normal degree... i feel so useless at being emotional support for my bsf, all i can do is listen and maybe say something generic, and i hate it. i should offer some kind of comfort, no? i just get so scared of saying something wrong, or cliched, and then any words get stuck in my throat and i end up getting so upset that my friend sometimes ends up having to pause her own emotional breakdown to comfort me when it should literally be the complete opposite omds im so *** useless it actually kills me
as if thats not enough, my friend knows exactly how to comfort me and make me feel better so easily and it kind of makes me feel worse at the same time bc why the *** do i keep making her go out of her way when she has so much to deal with herself AND i cant even slightly return the favour??? what single *** right do i have to this treatment, when im completely and utterly useless to her myself? its not fair at all i kind of wish she'd hate me or treat me like *** like my previous friends. icl i imagine it sometimes and i hate it and like it at the same time. it would be fairer for her to hate me, it would prove me right or something idk.
that might feed back into the whole maternal instinct thing i was talking about to begin with before it got ranty 😭 she just has that way with me sometimes of making me feel loved and small and like a kid with a carer they can trust. nothing has ever made me happier. i should be able to give her that too. if i cant, whats the point of me.