a reflection on friendships ~ raw thoughts

hi friends,

i hope your well 💛 and if your reading this, your existing. your hurting. your being. thank you for being. for existing. thank you for clinging on for one more day. 

so over the past 2 or 3 years, i have learnt alot about friendships. friendships are precious pieces of our life, a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold and someone to hug, someone to understand you and hear you, someone to be there, someone to laugh with you and joke around, and accept you. let you be yourself. as social creatures, we treasure these bonds, we cling on to them, we are dependent creatures. and frankly, it sucks to have friends sometimes, but sometimes its too hard to feel lonely too. 

that friend that was just there for you. and man..... my god.. it sucks when it all ends, when things go wrong, when misunderstandings happend, emotions get the best of us, thinking about things we shouldn't have said or done, things that hurt us, people that left us. you can only ponder on memories you made, and cry and feel emotions and wish it didnt happend. 

i spent most of my school years alone. i found it hard to make bonds with people, i found it hard to let myself be vulnerable to someone, to be open, because i refused to open my heart to someone. i didn't let them see my light, and they didn't see it either. i was a shy kid. 

but when i did make a friend over 2 years ago,  i learnt what heartbreak was like with a stranger for the first time.  she was so funny and caring, always made relatable jokes, she related to most things i was going through, she understood me, she loved me and i loved her. she defended me. she was just there. every time i was upset, she knew something was wrong. we always had an idea of how the other one of us was. and most importantly, i trusted her. she heard what i was going through, and i heard what she was going through.

she cried for the first time in school. she said she had never cried in school before. so i held her hand and cried with her. it was beautiful. she put her head on my shoulder and we were sitting on a bench just staring at the beautiful world.

but she became so burnt out, she started calling me names, she started making fun of me, calling me horrible things like idiot and *** and telling me most things that were wrong with me. i talked to her, but she said it was just a joke and so i laughed along with her. and i believed her. 

one day she even told my other friend in front of me, "she is so stupid and dumb" and "i love bullying her". 

confusion wrapped my heart like wrapping paper. but i kept quiet. i didn't stand up for myself because i thought i was less than her. and i thought she was above me. i loved her like nothing else. because no one else loved me, and i wanted to keep being loved. i couldn't let go even if it hurt. 

it sounds stupid but friendships are *** hard man, its so hard to understand someone without hurting them. and for the millionth time, it hurt to love someone. as humans, we cling on to each other, we want someone to be there for us, we need people. life is meaningless without people. 

we are strangers by face but friends by heart. it made me reflect and wonder if i could keep going.. but she continued. and i continued to let my self esteem fall. it didn't feel right. so i ended it. and i wished her the best.  

i didnt feel anger, or disappointment, or feel upset. we just made memories, and our time together ended. the childhood jokes we make about friendship like "best friends forever" were just our childhood imagination. friendships aren't forever, but memories are. 

and one day the bridge of life might bring us back together. but whatever the world thinks is right for me, wherever this life takes me, i love and cherish every friendship i made. i dont regret any inch of it. 

people come and go. and i guess thats life.... and its beautiful and i love it so much. 

its hard to be vulnerable and show someone your hurt and pain, its hard to be alone and in the dark, its hard to be yourself in a world that discourages you too, but even finding someone that makes you feel like human, could be the best gift in the world. 

letting people in is just as hard as letting them out. 

<3

Bunny