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My friends aren't enough

User Profile: determinedSea4370
determinedSea4370 Wednesday

I only have 2 friends. I feel insane because instead of doing work, I have been obsessively posting about this since I woke up with morning, but here we go again- they used to be what kept my head above the water, but now I feel like I'm drowning and both of them have abandoned me in the worst ways possible. They used to help keep my passion for art and writing alive by writing and creating art too and talking about these interests with me and we would create stuff together and it felt special and I loved bonding with them. All throughout grade school and into college- I survived because they helped keep my passions alive. Even when I moved several times, even when we were in different states- I still felt loved and properly supported. They supported me through college depression, eating disorder recovery, struggling with self-harm and alcohol abuse and then- I realized they no longer bonded with me through art and writing. It was like they gave no *** about the only two things that actually made life for me worth living. It was like I finally came out of this horrible traumatic time and instead of finding light on the other side if the tunnel, I find nothing at all. Without their support for my interests, I have no interests. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I've tried connecting with local artists and writers but it's like I just hate people now and I can't connect. I can't make my two friends do things that they don't want to do, but now I feel so lost and lonely. I feel like I've finally lost myself and I don't know how to improve my friendships so I don't feel dread when I hang out with them. Everything just feels so broken.

2
User Profile: PineTreeTree
PineTreeTree Wednesday

@determinedSea4370 I’m sorry you’re facing this loss in your life. It’s a painful thing but it may lead to growth and a light at the end of the tunnel. Several times in my own life I’ve seen supports (persons, places, activities) vanish when I needed them most. I had to search harder for what might help. I hope this will be true for you as well, that you’ll keep searching for what can give stability in turbulent times. You may find that you have some untapped inner strength. 


Here is one of the things that helped me. I looked for the smallest slices of time (a half second) and concentrated on my breath. In that short period and with that focus there was a little bit of relaxation, perhaps a release of endorphins. At least that one small slice of my existence had a sense of peace and sometimes a small feeling of happiness. At that time it occurred to me that dismissing a half second of peace and/or happiness would be a mistake. If I can find peace in a half second perhaps I can learn to extend that to a full second, maybe grow it to a minute, 5 minutes, a half hour, maybe a full day. So I would suggest you notice that feelings (good or bad or indifferent) don’t last forever. It’s not possible for our physiology to maintain a steady state of emotion. We can pay closer attention to our feeling states and notice when we are happy or amused. Even in low emotional states we hear a joke or watch a movie or eat something sweet perhaps and for a short period of time we are feeling something different. These are the micro “lights at the end of the tunnel.” The process of learning how to navigate all our feelings becomes our strength and it’s much less dependent on external conditions (such as friends behaving in certain ways) and more in our control. Mindfulness meditation may be helpful for managing feelings.

I hope you find what supports you. I have seen some people here on 7 Cups post pictures of their art. Perhaps that might be another way you can find appreciation and support by posting some of your work here.
1 reply
User Profile: determinedSea4370
determinedSea4370 OP 2 days ago

@PineTreeTree Thank you so much. I hadn't considered posting my art here, but that is a good idea! I only feel peace when I'm postively reflected in the eyes of other people, but maybe I should try to meditate on moments when I feel ok alone, because you're right. I know they exist. I know it's not all anxiety and dread and flashbacks when I'm left to my own devices and the present moment isn't always terrible when compared to some fantastic past that probably never existed. I watched a flock of birds this afternoon. I listened to good music this morning (even though I was still crying). Thank you for replying.

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