Help: my mental health may have hurt my friendship

Hi, everyone! Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my post!

I’m in a difficult situation that is stressing me out. I have been friends with my best friend for 21 years. I have struggled with my mental health for most of my life, even though I didn’t realize it until about a decade ago. Before that, I thought I had problems just like everyone in life. One of the main reasons for my struggles, and lack of understanding of them is my family life. I live with my parents, and it is a rough situation. My friend knows about this.

I have been able to afford therapy sporadically and intermittently, and I have not received a formal diagnosis, but I suspect I am battling depression and anxiety. Things have been bad for me for most of the year, and they became even worse about a month ago. I have been feeling on edge like I’m always running to and from something and I am not allowed to stop and on the verge of crying all the time. To make things worse, I have to hide it and keep up with my responsibilities and duties as if everything was ok. Any hint of distress can get me in trouble. Also, when I’ve gone to therapy, it has been in secret. When my father discovered I’d been seeing a psychologist in the past, I’d been in trouble. Again, my friend knows about this.

This friend is getting married soon, and he texted me the invitation. He also called me, and I ignored both his text and call… and any other text, mail, call or smoke signal I received around that time unless it was from work (because I had to answer those, if I’d had it my way, I’d shut my phone off and made myself unreachable for everyone). I thought it didn’t matter I didn’t RSVP, since I’d told him I was going to be there when he first told me he was getting married.

I was wrong, it mattered. He got mad and sent me a text saying it was annoying to write me if I didn’t answer. I sent him a text apologizing and explaining I had not been feeling mentally and emotionally well, and adding that I wouldn’t miss his wedding for the world (it took me two days to compose a three-line apology). He’s gone completely silent and only sent me another message with the final details of the wedding (venue address and such formalities).

This is not the first time I have failed to answer his attempts to contact me because I have not been doing well, but I’m afraid this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I fear sounding like a broken record and like I’m making excuses or blaming my family and environment for how I feel, but things have not been easy… particularly after having my family home 24/7 for the last three years thanks to the new work-from-home modalities resulting from the pandemic.

I fear I may have hurt the only friend that has stood with me for so long. It is hard for me to make friends because I have a hard time letting my guard down and interacting with new people. And I don’t know how to handle this. I texted him again offering to get to the venue a little earlier on the wedding day to help in any way that is needed, and also to confirm the dress code. Still no answer.

This situation is adding to my anxiety and I am really at a loss. I don’t know if I was a poor friend or if I did anything wrong, and don’t really know how to make things right. I have thought about calling him, but haven’t been able to hit the call button as my heart starts racing at the mere thought of him being angry or disappointed by me. And the wedding day is coming closer every day, and I get nervous and agitated just by thinking I have to show up and face him.

I have also considered he may be worried (best-case scenario, but my fears keep telling me he’s annoyed that I don’t seem to be getting better after all these years), and if that’s the case, I feel guilty and worried too, because I don’t want to be a burden and to take any attention away from a day that is to be all about him and his bride and full of joy for them both. I love them dearly and wouldn’t want to affect such a special occasion.

I hope this text made sense, I know I rambled a lot. If you made it this far, I can’t thank you enough, it means more than you imagine. If you have any input or advice, I’d love to read it and will forever appreciate it.

I hope you are all doing great.

Love,

Cherry 🌸