Hello

Hi there. Glad I found this group, first time here. I am not good at relationships. I used to think I was great at it, that I was just this obscure person that everyone interested needed to discover, and I would put little effort on my end. I was made fun of a lot growing up and I took every chance I could to make fun of others. Especially when around other people I wanted to impress without thinking that’s what I was doing. And in the end I ended up alone. I wanted to be good, kind, affectionate, but I guess I’m not. I think I’m just a bad person at heart. I usually behave like this: crippling shyness, to the point of not talking when addressed, to speak in low volume, to make myself small and to feel impressed by others, or completely alienated from them. Then if someone becomes closer, I become greedy. I ask for more favors than I give, I put on this victim act and put them in a very difficult position, to derail their day to help me or to see me suffer “as a consequence of their actions “ I am horrible, and I don’t know what to do about it. I want to be kind, but then I’m just offering too much so other people will like me, because my personality is not very attractive. I give books, do others homework, give free stuff I take from my pay at work, because I want someone to like me. Sometimes people take as much as they can then leave, or see right through my act and stay away. I act like I’m mysterious but in reality I’m just empty. Smoke and mirrors. I’ve tried to stay away from people as much as I can, but I cannot live like this. I need to interact with people in order to work and to be at home and to not feel like I don’t understand anything because I don’t talk to anyone. But it’s so hard when nobody likes me. And I know I’m not likeable. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to fix me. I just feel like running away. From everything. Just go away, don’t know in which direction. I cannot escape me.