Difficulty moving on from friendship
Hi,
I had two friends who are a couple and have known them for 7 years. Over the course of the friendship I always suspected they were using me as we were all doing similar jobs and they would ask for my help all them time. I even used to cook food for free for them when I had time and we used to go out during weekend in my car. They also used my travel pass during the weekend to travel by public transit. This year they started new jobs and I also did last year but I began feeling that they stopped spending time with me or lie about having too many things going on so cannot hang out although we live only 2 minds walk from one another. I actually was never the one to initiate the friendship and tried to distance from them in the past.
Then this year I saw that when we do different jobs it is like they no longer need me. I found out the wife also ignores me but post on *** about how happy she is making new friends and attending weddings. I asked the husband but he keeps lying to me saying she has so many family problems and he is having issues at work. When I mentioned to the husband that I felt that the friendship was stressing me out he gaslighted me and deflected how I feel as my fault. When I confronted him about the lies he says I am making him so angry that he is shaking. On that day I ended the friendship and blocked them. Several times someone did ring the bell of my apartment but I never opened.
It has been 3 months and I am struggling to move on. I keep checking if they are having fun and even reconsider if I should talk to them. However, over the course of the friendship I noticed that they never accept any wrongdoings and always put the blame on me or use things against me. I feel disappointed in myself that I was such a doormat and did not end it sooner. My emotions are all over the place but I am getting therapy which helps. I have major depression and anxiety and have been on medicine since 2010. And they are well aware of this. Sometimes I fear abandonment and could have borderline personality disorder. I currently cannot trust anyone other than my family.
My main goal is to overcome the need for them and have been doing a lot of things like restaurant eating, cooking, and watching movies at cinema by myself. But the feelings of having been used and taken advantage makes me feel terrible daily. I am wondering how to better navigate through this phase. I am sure that it was the right decision to end this friendship which as probably just for convenience for them.
Hi @sympatheticOrange8782, it sounds like you feel taken advantage of by your two friends because you felt the friendship may have been one-sided and they didn’t make an effort to keep up with the friendship after having left for new jobs. This has left you questioning the friendship.
I wanted to share that I also have anxiety (and possibly depression) and it’s difficult for me to make new friends and maintain friendships because of this. Based on my observations, I’ve come to find friendships are sorted into categories, such as close friends, friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Close friends are people I’ve been friends for years and they make an effort to be in my life. Friends are people who I see once in a while but they don’t make an effort to be in my life. Acquaintances are friendships from work or school, where they hang out with me because we’re all tied to the same institution, but without the institution, there’s really no reason to continue the friendship. Strangers are people that I randomly meet and strike a conversation with at the store or restaurant but i don’t really see them again. So based on my categories of things, it sounds like they may have saw the friendship as more of an acquaintances instead of the level of closeness that you may have felt. I may be wrong on this but it sounded like you enjoyed their company so I recommend on focusing on what you may have gained from the friendship instead of what they did. Friendships are like people where they will come and go in life. Some aren’t meant to stay forever. Side note is that I haven’t found success in forming long term friendships with people from my company. My next advice is to find the type of quality friendship that you would like to have. I think it’s helpful to join a hobby or interest group near you and start new, potential friendships that may turn into close friends that you’re looking for. It might make you feel better and maybe you might even forget about your old friends. I hope you feel better soon!
@sympatheticOrange8782
Time will heal you. Its okay...
Many thanks I am sure it will. The initial phase is the most painful unfortunately.
@sympatheticOrange8782
Yes, it is. it is.. I know the pain. Cry as much as you can. And get up again