People pleasing
Long rant warning
I really struggle falling into patterns of people pleasing close friendships. I wish i could just stop this cycle. It’s the worst knowing that the other person is not at fault at all that you have gotten into a people pleasing relationship, because at the end of the day it is my choice to constantly allow and show that i have no boundaries, that my needs are second to my friends.
Its worse because although i know i am at fault for this, i have a lot of suppressed anger at my friend now. She is the kind of person that is very blunt, knows what she wants, impulsive, and more or less the complete opposite of people pleasing type. Every time she is slightly pissed, i notice myself putting everything aside (especially if there are things i wanted to talk to her about, often boundaries, which is how it jusy continues and commutes to be set aside). It shouldn’t be up to me to regulate her emotions, that’s up to her, but it feels so hard not to, i’m scared to come across conflict at all cost and she is a very conflict prone person. The thing that pissed me off the most is when she once said that she can’t even imagine me angry, that its not something i would do. that was somewhat a wake up call, because how could she see that as a friend of mine for many years, when i know i get pissed and angry like most people in life and that’s fine - i’ll just never show it to her. or i did recently but when she called me out on it i just started laughing and saying i was a little bit pissed, instantly diffusing the situation because i started to make fun of myself.
Im sick of making myself feel like a doormat, but as soon as i put boundaries and come into conflict i back up, i am so scared that conflict will mean i will loose her and all my friends, even though it’s not true or if it was they would be bad friends over some conflict over boundaries…
Its also no good because the past friendship i was in similar to this i ended by ghosting her, now we are on good terms, but at that time i know it was an unfair way to end it. I don’t particularly want it to get to thay point with this friendship, although even now i can feel myself pulling away from it because i guess i’m angry all the time feeling like i can’t stop myself from allowing myself to be used. i remeber last time we were hanging out and i was making her feel better about some stuff and i felt so bad to say that i had to go home i stayed way past and pissed off my mum later and didn’t do any of the stuff i had planned to do. things like this just keep stacking up, and i just begin to resent the friendship.
it also feels like she doesn’t listen at all. i listen to her a lot, although now i have actually stopped going to the lengths, after realising all the energy was wasted because she really only wanted somewhere to spill all her thoughts to, not advice or actual thoughts about anything which is fair enough (people pleasing is one stupid thing goddamn, you don’t even need to do it, people aren’t pressuring you, you just i dont even know get sucked into it). And she always complains that i never tell her anything, it’s crazy because if only she saw every time i started a conversation the look on her face of actual boredom, she never asks any questions about the topics i start, nothing but one word answers or silence. i’m not the type to spill to people that aren’t interested in hearing it.
it’s just frustrating because i can see where i go wrong too, i don’t want to listen to her bull every day in day out either, i don’t need to pretend i care, if she has never set it up like she cares about every single of my conversations. and when she says stuff too blunt and i’m pissed at her i should be saying in that moment anything, to get across that i’m not just gonna take everything. my time IS valuable, and i am too, i just wish i could apply this to my relationships, because i do care about this friend, and it’s frustrating this stupid cycle has hurt the friendship.
she has also just told me she has a crush on me, so.. another layer i don’t know what to do with. i wonder why she likes me at all, because i give her what she wants? so i did politely say i want to stay friends, becayse if it’s this bad in a friendship, oh my god would it only be i don’t know how many times worse in a real relationship.
Hoping to figure out this stuff so relationships are easier on my heart lol
@tundroi
Hello!
Being a people pleaser can be tough!
It’s hard to make the choice to stand up for oneself.
However, please remember boundaries are important! Try to set clear boundaries and let those close to you know them.
You’re not a doormat.<3
Thanks for sharing. 🌿🌺
Hey @tundroi,
I know how you feel, as I'm also going through a very similar situation with my friend.
I just first want to say that what you're feeling is valid and accepted. What you gave to this friendship is acknowledged, at least by this community, and so are your needs.
Being a people pleaser, especially if you've gone your whole life like this, is super difficult to get out of habit because it's second nature to us. Even when you know that setting that boundary is necessary, it just feels so...wrong.
In my situation (if it's alright to share 😅) my first major people pleasing moment that I recognized was when I began to vent about the stress I had with my family and she wasn't actively listening to what I was saying. She also kind of passively hinted at me to leave by getting up mid convo to talk/ facetime with her other friend. So I played along and made an excuse to leave, feeling confused and a bit upset about how it went, but I still haven't brought it up to her.
The second time was during her birthday dinner. She had asked me prior if I could bring some alcohol for the party and I said yes ( we were still underage at the time). I left the bottle on the table so it was there for anyone who wanted some, but the dinner ended up being lively without the need for alcohol, so no one drank that night. When it was time to leave, however, she grabbed the bottle and nudged at me to take it home. Some part of me wanted to think that maybe it was because she didn't want her mom to see we had alcohol, but I knew her mom— she was the kind that understood that "teenagers will be teenagers" and besides, the bottle wasn't even opened. Still, I left with my gift in hand.
I think the time I finally understood what my role was in this friendship was when we smoked ~herbs~ during work. We had smoked before, and she would usually text another friend during that time, which was already normalized to me, and I didn't mind since I was stuck in my own little world too lol. But being at work was different since we had tasks that needed to be done, but at the end of the shift, I ended up doing all them.
It was at this point I realized I had enough. Even though she was a long time friend, I think we had just gotten used to the dynamic of the friendship. I accepted the fact that I was an enabler and that my actions (or lack of it) had contributed to me feeling resentful and abandoned by this friendship. And we had never really been confrontational with each other, so I didn't really know how to bring it up to her without feeling like I also had to be prepared to comfort her emotions, when in reality, I needed to do that for me. But, yet again, my friendship with her has gone on for so long that I didn't really want to let go of it.
So I began to pull away. It felt lonely at first, ngl. I would turn down coming over to her house by saying I was busy. Then I had to actually be busy so that I would have a valid excuse ( which, looking back, I could have just said no and not worry about it). I went ahead and did things on my own and after a while, I started to enjoy my own company. I've went to concerts alone and even traveled solo, and ended up meeting new people that I could be just myself with! I didn't start hanging out with her again until I felt comfortable to be me around her. Now we hang out less frequently, but at a mentally-healthy, respected pace? ( I'm not sure how to describe it lol)
I'm sorry this became a whole story time 😅 But I guess my point is that you should set that boundary! Make yourself a priority until you have the time for others. You also deserve to take up space in your friendship— it isn't a one way thing. I know that the route I took wasn't the healthiest way to deal with my people pleasing tendencies but it's a step towards becoming more my authentic self and I hope this helped even if just a little bit<3
@tundroi
As others here have spoke of it is hard to get out of that habit it is almost second nature but i will say once you walk through that door of not being a people pleaser it pissed me off all the time i wasted doing it and it resulted in nothing for me.
The so called "friends" who know and use your people pleasing to their advantage do not give it another thought and frankly you are correct if she is a bad friend she would be worse in a relationship