Boundaries and You

@Fristo

thank you so much for sharing this discussion i really needed to do something like this, as i am in a situation now because i allowed my boundaries down for so long and didnt stick with them<3

What are your most important values, and how do your boundaries reflect these values?

1) Not allowing someone to disturb my peace
2) Respect for myself and my children
3) Taking accountability for any given situation that i have taken a part in.
My boundaries reflect these values, as if someone is being very negative in my own space, or home, i will take the necessary measures to ask them to remove themselves bc my peace is everything especially after getting out of such an abusive relationship.
My respect for myself and my children is important, as i will teach them respect for others, but my boundaries will reflect the same if you don't show me respect, than you have to remove yourself from mine and my children's presence as we give the same respect to you..
And lastly but not least of course, taking accountability is important for reflection as i need others to be aware that i will take accountability where i was wrong, but if you aren't willing to do the same i will have to set a boundary as i am not okay with constantly taking accountability for my actions and the other person is not, it is unfair and disrespectful… and i feel that its not right it is showing me that you are not growing as a person, and if i am growing i want to be around positive motivated individuals who admit when they are wrong, and not always being right about every situation.. Basically an individual that has to be right in every given situation is not someone i would like to associate myself around.

What challenges have you faced when trying to set healthy boundaries, and how did you overcome them (or, how could you overcome them)?
Some challenges i have faced, is guilt and shame, i feel guilty when i have to set boundaries to the ones i love as i am not suppose to do this to them or something? But i learned to overcome them when i realized my peace, and heart is in the right place and i am aloud to set boundaries to make sure i am taking care of myself first and my own mental health. I am so sick of others walking all over me, so i got sick and tired of that, and i learned to have a little box to put that guilt and shame away as its not healthy to always feel bad, why should the other person get whatever they want when i myself am stuck in this terrible loop feeling trapped and manipulated? So i learned to grow.. And move forward. And keep reminding myself i am doing the best i can do.

What have you noticed as repeated patterns that are perhaps not so ideal for your wellbeing and boundary setting? How can you flip these patterns from negative to positive? What tweaks do you need to make?
My biggest repeated patterns, is allowing the same individual in again that i just set the boundary for, so that i showing the person i am not serious about my own boundaries, so they can continue to take advantage of me or manipulate me. In a positive way instead of being rude about it bc i get frustrated. I can remind the person this is the last straw and be positive about it to move forward to remind myself i am worth it, and i do not deserve the disrespect and so therefore i do not have to give that out to the universe as well.

@Fristo thanks for posting it Fristo. It was a pleasure working with you in this.

1) What are your most important values, and how do your boundaries reflect these values?

My most important values…Are being able to spend quality time with my son, having “me time”, and only surrounding myself amongst positive/productive and GENUINE peers who we can lift each other up. I’m tired of toxic friends/significant others/family. If you don’t respect me (or son), then begone!

As for how do my boundaries reflect that: I don’t plan on working overtime anymore, unless its mandatory. I’m not a ‘good little worker’ anymore, I value my time more than money. Also, I used to have people pester me CONSTANTLY to hangout, when I just want to be alone and recharge my social battery. I’m not asocial/anti-social or shy or whatever other label, I’ve just been a lone wolf for most of my life and need time alone every once in a while.

2) What challenges have you faced when trying to set healthy boundaries, and how did you overcome them (or, how could you overcome them)?

Hmm… Mostly just people getting salty or upset with me, so…they’re not in my circle anymore.

Also, I guess I got scared of setting them, but that’s based on me dealing with legal crap right now, and trying to be careful. I’ve also had my boundaries torn to shreds by my ex/little one’s father, and its taking a while to try and build them back up.

Long story short, called cops on abusive and alcoholic ex, little one is in temporary custody with ex’s negligent & greedy sister. I had to be extra careful with everything, because they’re snakes and know how to work people on their side…

I’ve recently overcame my fear, I’m emailing them only for contact and forwarding anything/everything to my lawyer.

I’m still (slowly) learning to set healthy boundaries again.

3) What have you noticed as repeated patterns that are perhaps not so ideal for your wellbeing and boundary setting? How can you flip these patterns from negative to positive? What tweaks do you need to make?

I tend to give too many chances and am described as “too nice”, I used to be the opposite and was more blunt, but that resulted in me getting called a b!tch…it’s just about finding the center, not passive, not aggressive, but assertive. This is why I crave so much time alone, I lost myself after being stuck in a long term relationship with abusive ex, then jumping to live in a relatives house, and not really able to live my lifestyle anymore. I’m (slowly) working back up to be me, Imp again!

The tweaks I need to make…I need to just stop beating around the bush, but also be mindful of what I say and find a good middle ground. I’ll grey rock those I am forced to contact with (legally), but if not forced, then going no contact. I’m tired of tolerating consistent bad behaviour. I want to become a new, confident me again. I’ve been working on it.

Thank you for making this post, I was actually proud of myself for recently setting a (healthy) boundary.

I just need to keep working hard to reach my goals.

Inviting @affectionateCat9553 @Mariahsaturn @turquoiseCamp6019 @Mellietronx @Riverview208 to participate

@Fristo

I've learned to set a boundary with helping my co workers. Cause I've noticed some are taking advantage and asking favors which I know they can even do themselves. I've been too nice letting this people took advantage of me. When in the end, other people are more commented and the truth is not revealed. I became a shadow helping a co-worker.

The stress and anxiety I felt was bad. I decided to stand my ground and help only people who needs help at work. I've learned to finally say NO.

:)

@Fristo I'll just talk about the most difficult boundary I've set.

I value my peace of mind. I've set a boundary (that has recently become extremely firm) to not have my father in my life. When he is around, I am a ball of nerves, always on eggshells trying not to set him off.

Challenges with this boundary are many. First, my father knows my phone number and also where I live. When I enforce this boundary (which three months ago became very firm, as mentioned) he can't accept it. He blows up my phone leaving voicemails and texts, he comes to my house and stands outside. He's not outright aggressive, but he is relentless. I have yet to overcome this, I don't know how I can change his behavior.

The other challenge has been keeping my mother, his wife, in my life at the same time. She respects my boundaries and I value our relationship deeply. BUT if I send her pictures from a vacation or a wedding etc, she shares them with my father. This gives him more things to talk about in his litany of voicemails and texts, and I hate that he even has that much view into my life. I think that asking my mother to stop sharing these things with him will cause problems for her, so probably the best course of action is to not give this information to her in the first place.

I've yet to solve these challenges, or flip them into positives. I don't really see a way to do that, actually. Still, they are preferable to having this person in my life.

Boundaries are hard to set sometimes and even harder to get back once you let them down.

This is so true

This is something I realise now that I struggle with, because I never had this role modelled in my family growing up, so I believed and find it hard to let go of needing to do everything for everyone. I have to really think about what my boundaries are, because, to be honest, they're non existence has made me unwell this year.

Boundaries are very tough for me. I broke down today. My brother and niece take advance of me. I try everything to make them happy.