What to do when you are a caregiver- but require a caregiver too
Hello everyone. I’m 21 years old and I’ve spent the past 3 years getting help for my mental health issues as well as chronic pain and physical disabilities. I am now fresh off a group home and living with my step-father and my two younger siblings (7 and 11.) I realize I still need someone to care for me in a lot of sometimes small, sometimes not-so-small ways— however, I arrived home to find the kids basically caring for themselves. If they have homework, it’s up to them to do it; they know how to cook and occasionally do (when they stay alone) and they’re in charge of cleaning the place. If they want to eat off of clean plates, they wash them. If they want clean clothes, they hand-wash them. They sweep from time to time. They eat by themselves (if they feel hungry.) The house is invaded by cockroaches and fleas. Everything you touch is greasy. The place is, to sum it up, disgusting. We do have some support from extended family but I feel like it is not nearly enough. Due to this, I’ve automatically gotten pushed towards a caregiver role. They’ve already asked me to cook several of their favorite meals. Despite how hard it is for me, I’ve cleaned the bathroom and kitchen as well as can be expected with the products at hand, and I’m already planning how to continue cleaning. I’m helping them to attend to “their” responsibilities as well as I can, and I’ve also started helping them with their studies (their actual responsibility.) Besides that, I’m also there for the small things, like hearing about their day and sharing a meal. I’m terrified I won’t be able to keep it up: I’m truly not the person best fitted for the job. I’m also terrified I’ll hurt them. But I don’t really have where to go, and truth be told, I don’t know if I’d be able to leave them behind like that. Not unless I felt I was doing more harm than good. So I’m turning to all of you for tips and tricks to help me take care of both myself and the lil ones. I thank my lucky stars for having found this community, which truly does seem like a safe space. Thank you for reading, and I hope you can leave some kind words my way.
@adequatelyInadequate
It sounds like you've been thrust into the role as caregiver for your very young siblings. I imagine it has been a difficult transition for you, to say the least. It's obvious that you love you siblings with all of you heart and you want the best for them. You mentioned you have some support from extended family. Are they in a position to help with housework, supplies, or maybe have the chilren visit with them so that you are able to have time to care for your needs? Do you have support from a medical team to help with your physical and mental heath needs? If you do, would you feel comfortable asking them for resources in your community for additional support? Knowing your situation could help them create a care plan to meet your needs while you are caring for the children. Would you step father be willing to do more for you and the children? I notice you haven't mentioned any assistance from him in terms of support.
Hi! He does try to help (for example, he cooks most days and pays for most of te household living supplies.) That said, I doubt he’d be able to do more. My family is mostly surprised by how well he’s doing, considering. My extended family helps with supplies and either visits or takes the kids to their place from time to time, but with the pandemic we’re all stretched pretty thin. I’m working to get a therapist, and _maybe_ I might be able to get a therapeutic companion for the first month. And I think that’s about it? I’m also thinking of contacting the youth information service to ask for where I can get some advice, and which resources are available for someone in my situation (anonymously, of course.) Can you think of anything else I might be missing?
PS: Thank you a lot for responding!
@adequatelyInadequate
It may not be possible now but, as things change, maybe the school has some resources? Perhaps an after school program for homework assistance, clubs, or sports? Maybe there is a summer program in the community?
Hopefully things will improve soon.I know the last year has been very hard on everyone and a lot of families are feeling spread thin. I'm glad you have thier help and suppport even during these tough times.
It's awesome that you are working to build a support network for your personal well being.