Caretaker Burn Out
I'm just so spent. My husband and I have been taking care of my 90 year old mother for the past 4 years. We've not had a vacation or a weekend away for 4 years. My husband is retired and I still work, so he takes care of Mom during the day and I take over when I get home from work and on the weekends.
Prior to my mom's illness (osteoarthritis-unable to move around unassisted but can still walk) we were very close. We enjoyed each other's company and had fun together. Since she became ill, I've seen a very different side to her. She's overly dramatic with her symptoms, demanding, unreasonable and mean. She was tested for dementia and the results were she just has age related memory issues but not dementia.
It's her attitude that has gotten me so down. She used to be fun, we (my husband and I) loved taking her places, taking her on trips with us, dinners etc... But now she is a bitter, ugly old woman who finds fault with all we do for her. If I clean her bathroom, she'll point out small specks I may have missed, we buy her good quality food, she won't eat it (we've wasted so much money on food for her that she says she likes, then won't eat), complains she wants socks, when we buy her socks she finds fault and won't wear them, the same with shoes & slippers. The list goes on and on.
Both my husband and I are just mentally exhausted. We have no help (can't afford Visiting Angels and we have no family nearby). We can't go anywhere to get away from her. The only time we get a break is when she is sleeping.
I'm tired all the time, depressed, no motivation and feel hopeless. My husband, while being a great support, feels the same. No energy, no motivation to do anything. We both feel like we're being held hostage by an ungrateful shrew who is determined to make us feel as miserable as she is and she is succeeding.
She cannot afford to go into a nursing home and my husband is old school and feels since we're her only family (both my brothers have passed in the last 10 years and my father passed 22 years ago) we need to keep her at home as long as we can.
Her doctors are not much help. They just want to put her on antidepressants (she refuses to take them). Aside from that, they just take her temp, do her labs and send her out the door until next year.
I just needed to vent. I never anticipated this happening to a woman who was so full of life and had such a great outlook. I also never anticipated how miserable and defeated I would end up feeling at this stage in my life. I see no hope for the future.
@Patriot
oh caregiver burnout is so real. i am sorry. sending you strength and virtual hugs!
@Heather225 Thank you. They are appreciated.
I raised 4 girls as a single mom. I’m going through burn out as well. When I hear of care takers I often really feel for them. You must be so drained! It takes a lot (A LOT!) of self care and encouragement! Writing this and reading your post has helped me! Thank you for sharing! You got this! Know YOU are amazing and doing a great service!
Check out your senior center. Sometimes they get services for free. Such as rides to appts, shopping, companions.
That sounds really frustrating and difficult for all three of you, that constant care you all give her and the ungratefulness she seems to have and also not being able to do so much that she could do before that can weigh alot someone. You definately need the time to get away and decompress. I'm not sure what's around your area but 211 may know of programs or other things that could help.
@Patriot I am so sorry to hear how your mom treats you even though you and your husband do everything you can for her. I know it’s especially difficult when someone doesn’t even appreciate all you do for them. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
I completely understand the exhaustion. I am in the same state of mind right now. My husband is disabled and can’t do anything for himself. He has been trying to get stronger so he can do basic things again, but the responsibility of taking care of his needs falls on my shoulders. While he does thank me for helping him, I really don’t think he understands the physical or emotional toll being a caregiver does to me. I work part time too in order to help pay the bills, so on those days he only has my son to help him, but my husband refuses to let my son help him with certain things.
I have my own health issues too, so taking care of him is really hard on me on days where I’m in a lot of pain. I am beyond tired. I pray for help all the time.
I truly wish you the best. I know you and your husband are really struggling. I think that because our loved ones are so miserable with their lives that they take it out on us sometimes. It bites.
I am so sorry that you and your husband are dealing with so much at present, inspite of caring for your mother so well. I have seen many such similar instances where with oldage and health issues, some older people get bitter and unreasonable with time. No wonder, it is called the second childhood. That is why self care is so important during such times for caregivers. Maybe you could see your mother as a small child who needs love, care but also discipline, rules and manners and come up with ways of telling her about how you and your husband are suffering because of her behaviour and how you would expect things to be around the house in an assertive way. Roles have switched between you and your mother and you need to take control for things to be sailing smoothly otherwise she will only keep bossing you and it wont stop anytime soon.
