Ageing parents & guilt
I feel like an absolutely terrible person for saying what I'm going to say, but I know this is a safe space where we can be honest... Without going into all the details, my family raised me the way they thought best and provided for my physical needs, however, they have never been emotionally available or supportive. As an adult, there was a time when they abandoned me completely for a few years over a disagreement about beliefs, and they have not been there during the most challenging times in my life. We get along on the surface now and play nice, but as my parents age it feels like any time I visit I'm just there to do things for them. They're dealing with difficult issues themselves, and I have zero interest or energy in being there for them because it will be one-sided and draining. At this point, all the help I give is out of guilt. It is so hard to know where to draw my boundaries with them because I feel like I want to make them extreme and minimise my contact with them. Can anyone relate?
@anonuser2023
Anyone with aging parents knows what you are talking about often the visits and help we give is only out of guilt and obligation and sadly sometimes they do not see that .. the conveniently forget the bad times that many parents/ adult children go through and do not understand any hesitation to drop by etc... because we know it will be can you do this or that and it is rarely simple.
I absolutely relate to this and want to encourage you to set boundaries that you’re comfortable with and participate just to the degree to which you want to. It’s totally ok to not be involved if you don’t want to be, or just to be involved as much as you can be. That’s what I have done, and I’m comfortable with it.
@anonuser2023 Hello, I empathize with you with my first-hand experience. Your feelings are entirely valid, and many people can relate to the complex emotions that can arise in such situations. Caring for aging parents with a history of emotional distance can be challenging.
Thanks all. At the end of the day it is very difficult to provide support and care in a space where you are not allowed to be your full, authentic self and do not receive any reciprocation. The type of help I do provide is very practical and that feels okay even if it still makes me sad. I set some big boundaries this visit and that is helping. It always helps to know I'm not the only one.
@anonuser2023 I am glad to know about the boundaries you established.
I feel I can relate too @anouser2023.
my in laws have helped us a lot, financially and with helping raise the kids. But my mil has crossed some boundaries and values and beliefs if mine... basically bad mouthing my mum and forbidding her from seeing the kids when we were at her place. Honestly if it wasn’t for the kids sake I would have gone out if this marriage it’s that bad! But I feel obliged to treat her well and respect her which I do. She will be moving in with us and I am filled with dread and anxiety. My hubby says she will be different this time round as she doesn’t want to be known by the grandkids as this horrible grandmother… heck I even had to sign a contract to treat them well otherwise we’d have to return the monies… so it now turns out to be borrowed money… though I understand it’s out of a peace if minds sake, since she’s worried we won’t take care of them when they are older! I don’t think it was really out of “control”.
Hi @anonuser2023, I hear that you acknowledge that your parents have tried their best to provide for you (on the physical needs) but not the emotional needs. This leads into you’re feeling guilty about not being able to provide the level of support to your aging parents that you feel might be expected of you, especially the part that requires emotions than what you might feel comfortable with.
I want to say that I can very much relate to this. I am currently a year into my therapy journey to learn to forgive myself and to provide myself the much needed self-care because of this very topic. And let me tell you, it’s not easy and there’s good days and bad days for me. Before this, I never understood my emotions of why I felt the way that I do and this led me to feeling alone and not understood. It was only until I started therapy that I started to realize that I was emotional neglected and most (if not all) of my thoughts and feelings are tied to this. Even though my parents did the best that they could, I’m still left to pick up the pieces or fill in the gaps of what wasn’t provided / available to me. I’m an adult approaching middle age and I feel like I’m learning to walk again (but by myself). So what I want to say to you is that you are not alone and I myself am going through something similar. We’re limited to what we were taught by them (or in this case, not taught). It is up to us to decide whether we want to teach ourselves the missing tools. But there is no wrong or right answer in this life, so please be kind to yourself during this time.
Hi @anonuser2023 , it sounds like you are in quite a difficult situation. It can be tough when you feel like you are not getting emotional intimacy from loved ones. Relationships may feel distant and dull. Dynamics with parents can be complex, as we may feel like we owe them for raising us and feel obligated to provide for them. Know you are not alone! I wish you the best and I hope things with your parents get to a more comfortable place
@anonuser2023 I can totally relate to that. And there have been moments where I just feel completely helpless. I just don't feel who to talk to about this and what to do about it. Sometimes this stuff doesn't let me sleep at night and makes me question everything in my life.
@anonuser2023
I can also definitely relate... and I can also advise from First hand experience that setting boundaries is the best thing you can do for everyone involved... so congrats on the first step and setting those big boundaries... I know it was difficult and will be even more difficult to maintain but it is for best and will be worth it...
I wish I had someone encouraging me to set boundaries or had a way for me to realize the crucial value of setting boundaries right in the beginning... maybe then I wouldn't have ended up going down the bottomless hole that I did...
Boundaries doesn't equal selfishness...
Boundaries equal respect...
Respect for yourself... Respect for them... and Respect for the relationship your'll share...
Boundaries also equal protection...
Protection from feelings of resentment...
And protection from feelings of ungratefulness or taken for granted...
I wish you and your parents all the best... I hope you keep finding your strength and stay true to yourself... Always...
I appreciate you sharing your story, I have been a care giver for my mother for over 10 years now, and now my father. I think most of what I do is by choice, but if I look deeply, I can find guilt and obligation and inability to set boundaries without feeling guilt. Hearing your story, I understand what you are saying and taking care of yourself first and understanding yourself and your limits is good. And it takes courage to set those boundaries that seemingly go against social and tribal norms. You have done what you needed. And you may have helped a few of us here see a different way.