Too good to leave, too bad to stay in marriage?
any suggestions on the so called “too good to leave, too bad to stay in marriage?”
… I’m married with kids. I keep quite to keep the peace. My husband is trying to be a good father, trying to earn a living… trying to do “the next big thing” / he is ambitious and won’t settle for a mediocre income.
anyways,long story short I don’t “love” him, I care for him. I am unhappily married but keep peace as I’m a peace maker.
would you stay in a unhappy marriage for the sake of kids?
@Greentrees2325 Hi 🌳. I'm so sorry to hear you are in an unhappy marriage. Sometimes people stay together in unhappy marriages for many reasons. It could because they want to stay together for the sake of kids, it could be they have a fear of failure, it could be because of fear of being alone, or simply out of convenience. Every marriage is different but at the end of the day, it's your marriage and you know best. I'm sure it may be easy for some people to say "leave and go and be happy because you don't love him" and I'm sure some can say "no, stick it out and stay and work on it." As a listener on the platform, I don't give advice but I would like to put a little birdie in your ear to get you thinking. At one time and at one point in the marriage you loved your spouse. Right? Sometimes with stressors of life, it's easy to neglect the marriage when dealing with life or the kids. I believe love in this sense is a verb-- it's something we do, something we choose to do. While you said, you don't love but care for him... you have to ask yourself is that enough for you? Ask yourself what are you able or willing to tolerate? You said you are a peacemaker but you are part of the marriage and you have a voice. It is not just about the happiness of one partner. It should be about both. Please know your happiness matters, what you feel is valid, and your voice is your own. Reflect on your marriage and ask yourself what's currently keeping you in this marriage? Be honest with yourself and decide what you are willing to deal with. Are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to learn to grow to fall back in love with your spouse and put in the work if part of you wants it? Or are you willing to not give up on your own personal happiness and well-being? I was always told kids are not enough to keep 2 people together. It takes two. I'm sorry this is so long but I felt the need to write you. Regardless of what you choose and decide, I believe you are a special and strong and you deserve to be happy-- no matter what you choose. Please take care of yourself. ♡
Hi @YourCaringConfidant,
thank you for your message, it means so much 🙏🏻 ❤️ and sorry for the late reply, I’ve been exhausted and my young children are keeping me busy!
You’ve given me a lot of food for thought 🤔 … I guess I should sit down by myself and reflect as honestly I’m not sure… I’ve hardly thought about myself.
thanks so much again 🙏🏻
take care x
@Greentrees2325
There are many reasons that couple or one person in a couple falls out of love with their spouse.
Kids can see a bad marriage even when you are tap dancing around and pretending you are all good. i think it sets them up to either plan on being a peacemaker or walking on their future partner and expect them to be the peacemaker. kids are better off when the see happy parents not pretending to be happy .
do you have a plan if you left / finances/ place to stay etc.. i am assuming if you say it is over you need to have clear idea of his income for both child and spousal support.
You can try counseling or deciding what was the reason you fell out of love with your spouse ..... I have done that too and simply do not believe you can fix that or fall back in love as too much baggage and hurt to forget.
Hi @toughTiger6481,
thank you so much for your message 🙏🏻 ❤️, it means so much. And sorry for the late reply, my young children have been keeping me busy and I’ve hardly had a minute to myself.
I haven’t given any of that any thought, as much as I’d like to walk out right now, I can’t… like you say the financial implicatoons, practically etc it would not be feasible…the sad truth is I feel hopeless but taking it a day at a time and listening to podcasts really help.
guess I should start thinking about it my back up plan…
I’ve talked my issues through with a counsellor and I agree, I don’t think I could fall back in love…
Anyways, thank you so much again for your support 🙏🏻.
Take care x
@Greentrees2325
I have been thinking about this as on discussions i have had both Online and in person this is common that we can feel like we like or love a person but no longer in love... the only warning/ advice i ever received was love mellows after the like honeymoon stage .... but no one really talks about when it is gone.
when a person is not living up to the relationship / jobs / help with house / kids / basic maintaining a connection with partner ..... this happens and I honestly do not see a rekindle of the old flame although many people try hard through counseling or list the tons of books and marriage advice ...... But only you in the end KNOW how you feel and caring for someone and pretending or hoping otherwise is a tough road
Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Hey, I have parents who fight all the time. My mom was first forced to marry my dad.As one of the kids, we notice if there is no love in the marriage of our parents and sometimes I can’t help but wish they have divorced so that we hear no more fights . My father is a sole provider in the family, my mom is a homemaker and take care of me and my brothers.They are still together after 18 years,! I suggest you actually talk it with your husband because even tho I wish my parents divorced sometimes , I am very grateful that they are together.Because it’s just not the same even if you are the same person for us, it’s something lacking there.try some couples therapy or fun activities exclusively for both of you. It’s good to not consider divorce if there’s no abuse of any kind.
Hi @Soniahere,
thank you for your message 🙏🏻 ❤️.
I’m sorry to hear that you had to put up with a lot of fights…
why would you say that even though they had lots of fights and your mum was forced to marry you are still grateful they are together? … I’m too in a similar situation, I felt pressured to marry, but I avoid confrontation, my husband is the dominant one. I suppose there was a bit of abuse, although I’m not sure if you should call it abuse. … yes he has pushed me around and his mum has slapped me ( it hard though) but that was the past and I don’t think he or she would again… I have children and they wouldn’t want them to know or be seen as at fault by them. They live their kids/ grandkids…
Wouldn’t you want your mum to have divorced so she could be happier at peace and chosen a life for herself?
are you a listener or a member? I’d love to talk a bit more if poss?
thanks so much, I really appreciate it 🙏🏻 ❤️.
@Greentrees2325 hey, I am a listener here and you can ask for me specifically as a listener. I would love to talk with you.
I totally get your thoughts and feelings. I respect that for sure. Something that has stuck with me forever as I was growing up is the saying, "The grass always seems greener on the other side..."
Now that I'm going thru 4 yrs into marriage separation (still nothing legal filed?) after 25 plus years or so, 3 kids aged 16, 15, and 7, my wife also told me indirectly, but thru her letter, "hey, I love you, but I'm not in love with you..." She moved out before Thanksgiving 2019.
Many marriage podcasts I listened to going to work and coming back home...there was a saying and it was this..."a person only leaves what they have, is only because they believe what they're going to is going to be something better OR much better..."
Hi @G01ngPaga1,
thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it 🙏🏻.
I’m so sorry you have gone through separation and it sounds like it’s dragging on… I hope you are settled and content with your new life 🙏🏻 .
I totally agree with what you said… the grass is not always greener on the other side… I suppose it boils down to thoroughly considering what the pros and cons are and not expecting that it will be plain sailing… 🤔
take care.