Dealing with disappointment towards a mother
My mother has been in an on-and-off relationship for years. At first, I was happy for her since she had been single for a long time before meeting him. I overlooked the fact that he didn't seem like a responsible person; he had been in jail for driving under the influence, and it was suspicious that there were times when I didn't see him for days or even weeks. I minimized the situation, telling myself that his job required him to be away sometimes. However, that was not the case.
My mother and I discovered that he was living with another woman to whom he was giving money instead of paying child support for his child. We found this out when the woman showed up at our house one day looking for him, mistakenly thinking he lived alone. We find out about the latter, when we received a letter from the police department or the court notifying us that he was not paying child support.
After some time, he continued to go back to this other woman, and my mother's mother-in-law even advised her to leave his belongings at that woman's house. My mother considered ending the relationship, but in the end, she didn't. He returned after serving time in jail for hitting that woman. She believed he wouldn't come back to her, so she allowed him to stay at our place.
However, after the other woman came looking for him twice and after multiple fights between my mother and him, she finally took his belongings and left them at that woman's house. Even though she remained in contact with him instead of blocking him like I suggested, I held onto the hope that I wouldn’t have to see him again. Unfortunately, that hope didn't last long.
Months later, he knocked on our door late at night while my mother was sleeping because she had work the next day. She woke up and came to my room to tell me it was him and asked me to open the door. I was infuriated with her because I wanted her to ignore him or tell him that if he didn't leave, she would call the police. I refused to open the door, which led her to go and open it herself.
I am once again disappointed in her. After years of being in this situation, she still doesn’t listen to anyone. I wish she had more self-respect and could stand up for herself, but I don’t think that will ever happen because she has always been the type of person to let others walk over her without taking action. I don't know how to cope with watching someone I care about treat herself like this.
@energeticPrune260
You cannot change another person ... you may be disappointed in her decision or the strength she lacks to stand up for herself. But it is her path not yours ... we want to save people from bad decisions but we can't. We can only be around to help them when they finally see they deserve better.
Imagine the situation in reverse has there ever been time your mom wanted you to make different choice then you did? This is a growth opportunity for you to learn to support someone even if you truly believe they are making a huge error. The harder you push the more defiant she will be in bad choice. tread lightly
I know that I cannot change her, which is why I don't try to find ways to alter her behavior. Instead, I am focused on coping with the disappointment of seeing her make decisions that not only affect her but also impact me.
She has expressed her desire for me to make different choices than I already have, but I do not involve her in those decisions. Unfortunately, she is unable to do the same in this situation. Given that she doesn't have anyone else but me, she had relied on me to spy on him to ensure he was not in contact with that woman when she was not at home and to drove him to work since he did not have a license. I’m uncertain if he has obtained a license now, as he doesn’t even have a car; he destroyed it while driving under the influence. However, since we only have one car, she will likely make me wake up early to drive her to work and then make me take him to work as well.
@energeticPrune260 That sounds like a tough situation, and I can see why you're disappointed. It's hard to go from our parents being our role models to growing up and seeing them as humans with a full range of flaws and trauma and unhealthy habits they need to work through. I'm glad she has you, even if it isn't an easy situation. I think it's important to remember that your mom is an adult and responsible for her own decisions- you need to look out for your own self first because you can't pour from an empty cup!
Thank you for your response. It's difficult for me to see my mother as an adult. For a long time, I have viewed her as a child or adolescent because she doesn't seem to have the mental or emotional capacity of a functional adult.
She has always relied on others because she doesn't know how to do many things. So, I understand why she looks for someone to depend on when it comes to a partner. However, it still frustrates me that she acts more like a woman than a mother. I wish I could rely on her instead of having her rely on me or a man.
I can feel your struggle personally. It's really disheartened when the person important to give importance to others and that to not-so-loyal person. Please take care of your emotions health, we definitely can't teach or change our parents but we can't let their inappropriate decision affect ours life. Work on yourself harder to give more new space to new beginning, who knows new place, new environment does change the people. Hopefully your mother acknowledge her self respect soon.
Glad you're venting, maybe less stress for you. I know sharing helps me sometimes. 7 Cups is such a great place for many reasons.
I hope you are OK and I hope you don't take the situation personally!