Are we done?
As I am typing this, I am laying in my childhood bed at my parents' house with my daughter sleeping in a playpen beside me. How have I let my husband bully me into thinking we are the ones that need to leave our home? This is definitely not where I pictured myself at nearly 30 years old. I feel like I don't even know who I married anymore.
The words he said right before I left with our dogs and daughter keep echoing in my ears, "I think we are done, we are just not working out."
What the actual f***? My heart is racing. This man who I devoted 7+ years to and have a 1+ year old daughter with thinks he can just up and decide we are done after we moved into a new house 2 weeks ago? What am I missing here?
Just before I decided on leaving and spending the night elsewhere, we got home from a Christmas Tree Farm . What did he say as we parked in the garage? He said "This was a *** day."
Are we done? I didn't think after 5 years of being together and 2+ years of marriage we would be calling it quits so soon, but maybe we are done? Maybe I am done?
For additional context, right before this, we were talking about jobs I am applying for. I had to resign from my previous position due to health issues that required a major abdominal surgery a few months ago. Our daughter is in daycare two days a week starting a couple of months ago, but she has gotten sick twice already in the last two months so that means she has been home sick with me every other two weeks for the past two months.
We are fortunate to have a subsidy for childcare, but that only lasts if I am able to find a 30+ hour position by the end of this month. I have a PhD and I haven't been able to land a role yet after job hunting for 3 months with some of my job hunting time being impacted by our daughter being ill. I have contract work coming up, but it doesn't start until late January/early February.
I am not a stranger to service positions, so I am going to apply to some I have had my eye on; they have flexible working hours so I can still take care of our daughter the days she is not in daycare. I had mentioned applying to the service role many months ago to my husband and he was less than supportive saying things like, " you should be able to do better. "
On top of all this negativity, since our daughter was born, he has been glued to his phone. I have mentioned that it bothers me how often he is on his phone while he is supposed to be bonding and spending time with our daughter. He couldn't even put his phone down for 5 minutes today to watch her while I dug my boots out of a moving box. In those 5 minutes, she managed to drench her only holiday outfit in dog bowl water because he was too busy watching a YouTube video. Her only holiday outfit was drenched right before we were going to take family photos all because he couldn't put his phone down for 5 minutes.
My husband's occupation is stressful, the hours are long and unpredictable, but I am tired of it being his excuse for not being present for our daughter, being unsupportive towards me, and the root of his pessimistic attitude. These past few months he appears withdrawn, depressed, and just unhappy.
I have been working on myself by talking to my personal therapist for the past few months every other week. Meanwhile he hasn't talked to his own counselor for at least 6 months, with no excuse or reason. It feels like he doesn't want to put the effort in anymore. He even tried helping me pack my bag as I left the house with our daughter and dogs as if to say "good riddance."
Is this the end of our marriage? Maybe? I think I personally might be done. How do I take a stand? Is it too late? I never wanted this life for our daughter.
@cc415 I'm extremely sorry about all you are going through right now. That's tough. I don't believe people get married with the thought of breaking up and divorcing in the future. Being in a relationship with someone for 7+ years is quite some time; especially in this day in age where people are so quick to walk away. Even still, with marriage and a kid in the picture... it's never a guarantee. Over time, people change and sometimes they grow apart. His happiness matters, but so does you! I know people break up for all kinds of reasons but in relationships, there requires compromise. Who knows if your marriage is over. Perhaps he just needs a break to reflect? Do you think this man is willing to throw 7 years down the drain and change his family dynamic over some temporary unhappiness? I'm not sure what he's facing or going through, but I hope for the sake of your daughter that he figures it out. Please continue to work on yourself. Kudos to you for seeing your therapist consistently and doing what you need to. I hope you find it beneficial. Hoping your husband finds something to help him, as well. I didn't want to ask but is there a reason why you opted to remove yourself, your child, and the dogs from the home? Him being the man, it just seems that he should have versus you. It's not fair on your daughter that her life has to change from what's familiar to her. It's not fair that she has to see you sad. It's not fair that she no longer has access to both of her parents all because the adults can't work things out. Divorce is one of those things that can get ugly very quick. I really hope the two of you can discuss things openly and honesty and work out something for the best of all of you, especially your innocent daughter. ♡ I'm hoping that you find new, promising employment soon and that your health improves. Hope your daughter gets well soon. Dealing with sick kids on top of life's stressors is no fun! Please continue to be there for your daughter and take care of her and yourself! Please be kind to yourself too. I know sometimes things don't go as we hope or plan in life, but stay positive and don't be discouraged. Wishing you all the best! ♡
@YourCaringConfidant thank you so much for your thoughtful response and taking the time to send me encouragement and extremely helpful reflection questions. I honestly was thinking the same exact thing as I got everything packed and into the car. I think because my husband and I were arguing so much I just wanted to remove my daughter from a toxic environment and I went with the option of me leaving. If it happens again though, I definitely would have asked him to leave because it 100% wasn't fair to me to have to drive 2+ hours with a screaming child and two anxious dogs and unfair to my daughter who is just now settling into our new home.
A quick update, I am back at our home as of 4am this morning because our daughter was understandably struggling to sleep at my parents' home. My husband and I are signing up for couples counseling this week to see if we can try to work things out before going down the messy route of separation.
Thank you for showing me kindness during this tumultuous time. I took hope we can find happiness again for our sake and for our daughter's and dogs' sake
@cc415 I applaude you and commend your strength for doing what was in the best interests of you, your daughter, and the dogs. ♡ I'm so glad to hear that you guys have returned to your rightful home; and even more glad that the two of you will be giving counseling a try together. I really hope it strengthens your marriage and family bond. Continue to be hopeful. I'm rooting for you. ♡
@cc415
Hello. I am here not to judge anyone or to give advice. I am here to listen to your story. And it is a story which is very sad...
Maybe you are looking for some excuses for your husband. It is good you are able to see both sides of the story. But I believe a relationship always takes two.
Maybe some people find it difficult to keep the right balance after their relationships change from two people (and two dogs) to two people with a child.
As a man and a parent with some life experience, I cannot imagine how much I would miss my little baby and my family, by just letting the two of you drive away...
We are sometimes so concerned about work or so often staring at these silly little screens, that we sometimes let the most important things in our lives to slip through our fingers. And some of those lost opportunities never come back.
However, I see a few points of light in this dark landscape. You have a place to live and your parents, who can take care of you. You have your daughter and your love to her. It looks you are both safe. You are attending a therapy. And it is good that you and your husband agreed on the counseling.
I was wondering what I can write to you, sitting here, at the kitchen table in the other part of the world. But maybe you would accept it that my thoughts are with you and your family...
@cc415I am here if you need to chat! So sorry for that.
