Stumped About Religion

@greenWalker8543 I won't go into details but let's just say I am very religious. The problems you face are very challenging and cut to the core of who we as humans are. That is, our Faith is at the central point of what we really believe and how we view the world, so when fights arise over matters of faith they can cut and cut deep. This will be something that you and your husband will have to discuss and be open and honest with each other about in the future. Especially, if children become a part of the equation.

In terms of your second (or was it the first) question, the honest answer is that you should be able to disagree as a couple and respect each other's differences. Couples don't have to be the same, in fact the healthier couples are rarely the same. What you two really need to work on is how to communicate effectively without letting your emotions control the situation and the tone of your conversation. I am no counselor, but I would suggest sitting down with him and asking him for his side of things, how he feels and why he feels the way he does. Try to do this without interruption, restrict yourself, don't try to add to the conversation, any question you ask should be about clarity and clarifying what he thinks and believes. Only then can you begin to grasp what beliefs he is bringing to the table, and he will feel listened to. Then try it again, except make it your turn, you talk, and he listens. Set a timer if it helps, 30 minutes each. But really explore the feelings and emotions you have with the situation and why you have those. In that way, you can still hold your perspective, you can still hold your values, but you and he will feel very listened to and understood, and then, you can move forward with what you plan to do in the future. My two cents. God's Peace to you.

@greenWalker8543 I feel like I should have led with this, but eh, I guess hindsight is always 20/20, again, no counselor. I am sorry you are experiencing these arguments. I want you to know that what you are experiencing is not odd or out there. There are some obvious tensions between you two and what you are experiencing is legitimate, in that the way you feel is legitimate. While you and your husband have a lot to talk about, please realize that these fights and blow ups cause a lot of emotions to come out, maybe even emotions that you were not thinking about before, all the sudden become the main. Hang in there but realize that you are not alone.

@greenWalker8543

Hi Walker! 😊❤️ So, I hear that you are saying the fight was over the salad. Do you really think now, that it was about the salad all along? Do you think it was the salad that maybe brought out stronger things, more poignant, deeper things and feelings with in the relationship?

It seems as if after the salad, more things were discussed. Child rearing, relationships with in laws, who is in charge and who is the boss around your home.

Love is love and I commend you both for over looking differences in religion when first getting together. Sometimes, and over time, these things can end up coming up. Even resentment along with it.

I also hear you saying that he will "let me" keep my religion. Is there a power struggle there with in the relationship? I just thought I would ask questions as sometimes asking them could shed a deeper meaning as to what is going on. For many, religion can be a very deep and personal matter for each person, a spiritual journey. And so it seems that the salad then turned into a power struggle over washing the dish?

Even the best of relationships require a great deal of communication as well as negotiation. Who does it mean more to? If it were me, I would have simply washed the dish because bacon has already been established to be a big "no no" in your home which everyone seems to have agreed upon. Not your fault, it's Aldi's fault. But.....once the argument escalates, maybe it turns into something else entirely. You didn't mean for bacon to come into your home, you didn't request bacon, but it did happen and he didn't bring bacon into the house.

I'm wondering if it might be more about how he spoke to you? How others have spoken to you and how you are being made to feel? Do you feel alone in this? Ganged up upon? It's a viable reason to be upset! Your feelings matter too! And so, you never know, I wasn't there. Maybe I wouldn't have washed the dish either after all if it became about something more than washing it. Sometimes it's not about the "thing" but about what that "thing" represents.

I am not Jewish but, I do understand that many that embrace that religion, cannot tolerate anything other than Kosher. Not around them, not in their kitchen, not on their dishes and not going into their mouths. Even the sight of certain foods in their presence could symbolize a deeper meaning of the other person not caring about them, not having love for them, a sign of deep disrespect. Again, I am not Jewish, but I have empathy and respect for differences.

So, what about you? Maybe all of this symbolizes a deeper meaning for you as well. I think it's worth exploring with your husband and only him, maybe when both of you are calm and not angry. I have to wonder if this Aldi salad could be a gift in disguise after all if it gives you both an opportunity to really think about your true feelings in regard to spirituality, child rearing, how the children will be raised, etc. The food your children will eat could be a very big deal in all of this as you like certain foods. Certain foods will be offered through school lunch programs, sleep overs, play dates and even if they are outside of the home with you while you want to eat certain things.

Many times parenting is done best when it's a united front. Maybe choices, decisions and commitments could be made now with out children around to see the, in your words, WW3.

I send you big *hugs* ❤️ This does not sound easy. It sounds like you deeply love your husband and it sounds like he really loves you too! I'd love to hear how it goes if you choose to open up dialogue with him about this. Your needs should be met also and you have feelings too! 😊❤️ Who knows? Maybe after some really nice conversations with your husband, you and he just might decide to break the dish and toss into the trash. It was never about the dish anyway.

@greenWalker8543 This must have you feeling off balance and confused. I’m going to suggest a book that may help. It offers extremely effective ways to not only, “get through” the situation but to strengthen your relationship. Dr. David Burns, Feeling Good Together.

@greenWalker8543

It was just an honest mistake. He should have been mature enough to understand that. Sorry that happened, at least now you know what to do for April fools day to him....j/k :)