Progress?

Warning: More ranting

I've been stressed out for while about school, fancy programs my parents insisted I take on, and being responsible for almost everyone's well-being in the house. Amidst that my parents saw this as a great time to sign me up for yet another program. It was only for three weeks and two days a week. I said no. They kept pushing saying it wasn't a long program. I said no again, explaining how I didn't need the stress. They kept insisting saying it would be good for me and if they really thought I couldn't handle it they wouldn't keep pushing it for me. 

Again I said no that I didn't have time, but they were like you have time for games and sitting around surely you have time for this. Said I was being disrespectful and ungrateful and I snapped. There are only 2 things my brain refuses to accept and that's false hope and hypocrisy. People having the audacity to lecture people when they themselves do the exact same thing boils my blood. So, when they lecture me about respect when they treat me with none angers me. If I said half of the things they've said to me I would've been kicked out the house or severely punished. 

Long story short there was a huge fight, lots of yelling, and it was messy. After a couple of hours I apologized for the way I communicated my problems, because honestly I could've conveyed it in a better manner. My mother also apologized and promised to make more of an effort. Now, one of issues I have and that I expressed was that I was acting like a parent when I shouldn't be. Specifically towards one of my older sisters who is special needs. Do not get me wrong I love my sister, I would both attack someone and take a bullet for her, but at the same time I'm also a child. Majority of my childhood is mothering and raising her. So, as to help me out with that stress my parents found this school nearby our house for people with special needs that she's supposed to go to starting next week. 

Which I am very grateful for, mainly because my sister gets to go to school. She loves school, she really does. She loves going outside and learning new things. It's truly adorable, unfortunately she's usually cooped up inside the house so I'd be thrilled if she got to go to school again. Now, the reason there is a question mark after the progress in the title is because I feel like this is a ploy. I've mentioned in this post that there are 2 things I can't handle, The first one was false hope. Year after year there comes a point in the stress that I cannot physically handle it anymore and that's usually when my parents take it seriously. However, I've realized that they only do this "transformation" thing when they want me to do something that I said no to. I rarely say no because I avoid conflict with them as much as possible. So, if I say no and hold my ground it's a big deal. 

The last breakdown of this sorts I had was when they wanted me to join the first fancy program and I said no. I put my foot down and explained clearly it would be too much for my little mind to handle. My dad then took me out to dinner, sweet talked me saying this chance may never come again. How he's going to help more and things are going to change. I fell for it and signed up and for the first week things were different but as soon as I showed that I actually enjoyed it everything went back to normal and the stress caught up to me until I nearly passed out at program and got pulled out for health reasons. 

Or when I was having not so great thoughts and contacted a hotline. When my parents found out they not only read all of the messages, but printed them out without telling me. Got made because I was talking to a stranger and told me I didn't need to talk to them anymore because things were going to change. And again for a short time they did so I stopped contacting the people and as soon as I did things went back to normal. So, now I just had a fight with them over not doing this new program and they're promising me that things will be different and so far it looks like it will. Now, they're asking since things are better if I will join the new program, making it feel like all the other times all over again. 

I want to believe them but it's getting harder and harder to. If I say no now I know it's going to turn into another fight which I don't have the mental compacity for. But if I say yes I have to join this program which I also don't have the compacity for. Otherwise known as a lose lose situation.