Please advise on how to overcome this (it's a long post)

TW: Mentions of abuse

Hi. For context, I am 23yoF South Asian and my mother is 63yo.

We have a pretty contentious relationship, to be honest. She was a teacher for almost 30years and she had me pretty late in her life (when she was 39). She was pretty strict in my childhood. As all Asian parents, she expected first marks in everything. I was a pretty good kid till 7th grade. So, I made sure I was in the top 5 ranks in my class. She used to hit me if I wasn't behaving as she expected (I was a pretty talkative kid and easily distracted. I could never sit in one place and focus on homework)., but she stopped hitting me when I was around 10years old. After that, it was just verbal abuse if I angered her.

During 7th grade, I slipped into a slight depression (undiagnosed). My grandmother (mom's mom) was diagnosed with cancer, so my 7th and 8th grade was majorly school, hospitals, chemotherapies, radiation, doctor appointments etc. Around 9th grade, I was in a relationship with a guy from my college and was alone, almost all of the time in school. My classmates called me names and no one took care of me or my schoolwork and the depression became severe. I also broke up with my boyfriend soon after and my grades slipped to rock-bottom. My mom used to yell and swear at me whenever I got low marks/I did something. My relationship with my parents were pretty non-existent at that time.

After that, in 10th grade, I slowly rebuilt my life and got decent marks in my exams. I liked a guy in my school and he wanted to come around when no one was there (he didn't have any intentions). I didn't want him to, so I said that people would see and it's too risky instead. My mom saw these messages and threatened to go to his house when he wasn't there and rough-up the people there. I was scared but I defended him and got her to not do anything drastic. After that, my grades slipped down again and I had a lot of other issues (None of which my mother knows till now).

Once I got to college, I stayed back at home and attended a college in the same city, for my mother's sake. She was 56-58 at that time, and I didn't want to leave her alone. Slowly, I started talking more to my mother and we rebuilt our relationship. Now, we're pretty much chums (although I never mention anything boy-related). We argue most of the time now, but still come around. I have learnt to love my mother and I do love her now.

The problem is,

1. My mother is a very physically affectionate person (hugs/kisses type person). Although I am that kind of person amongst my friends, I don't feel comfortable hugging and kissing her. I feel guilty because my mother feels that I don't love her, because I don't physically demonstrate my affection. I assure her that it is not so, but I cannot bring myself to hug/kiss her more than the bare minimum. How can I overcome that?

2. Every time we argue, I am reminded of all that my mother did to me in my childhood. Then, I feel resentful of her and feel guilty of feeling resentful of her. I want to forget everything and treat her better but I don't know how. Please advise.

Note: I have suggested therapy. My mother does not want to go to therapy. And since I live with her, I also cannot go to therapy, which is why I have come to you, kind Internet strangers, for advice.