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grayOwl035
1,419 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts74 Forum posts61 Forum upvotes47 Current upvotes47 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 7, 2020
Recent forum posts
Requesting advice on how to approach this
Relationship Stress / by grayOwl035
Last post
 October 27th, 2022
...See more I wanted to get some perspective and advice on this. I have been friends with my best friend for 12 years. While we've had our ups and down, I recently observed some issues on which I want to get some perspective. * Lately (over this past year), I've noticed that almost always I initiate the conversation. We've had a back-and-forth chat that we've kept going almost everyday for the past 3-4 years. But over this past year, I've noticed that only I tend to start the conversation. Like have you heard this thing, have you seen this tweet, I bought this new book etc. * If there's an issue/breakdown/something that triggers me, she's my go-to person for help. She's the first person I turn to. She's the one person I share most of my thoughts with. But incase of an issue that she faces, she's never shared it with me. She always tends to process things alone (I'm not saying it's a bad thing). * I've always tried to pin down my feelings, my thoughts and what triggers it. As far as I know, she's never been vocal about what goes on. If I ask her questions like what are you feeling right now, was there a specific trigger that made you feel like this, when did you notice a shift in your mood, the answer has always been I don't know. I've always been like this. I'd tried to find an answer before, but now I just don't. And she disappears for days from IM/chats. I get that it's her way of dealing with things but there have been several occasions when I'd be left without a reply for days. I've known to be really codependent so all of this triggers my insecurities and anxieties. I don't expect her to respond to my messages or engage in conversation but I feel like a simple message like hey, I don't feel good. I'll talk later when I feel like it would be sufficient. Now, we've gone days without a reply. For someone who's been constantly texting back-and-forth for 3-4 years and going to days without a message, it feels weird and distant. I want to approach this maturely so it would be really helpful if y'all could give some perspective.
How do I cope with my codependency issues?
Relationship Stress / by grayOwl035
Last post
 September 20th, 2022
...See more Hi. I wanted to get some advice on this. I have a lot of codependency issues, and I am noticing a pattern, so I wanted to get some advice. For starters, I am not going to therapy or do not have access to mental health resources, due to my living situation. I've had codependency issues with almost every close friend I've had. I'm in my 20s. There are a few friends that I talk to every now and then (I'm talking once in a month, once in 45 days). There's one friend that I talk to almost everyday. We first became friends in high school, and we've been friends since then. We talk on a daily basis. Nothing major. We do have our serious conversations, but most of the times, it's about games, TV, our workout schedules and work. I'm usually a serial texter which means I send several texts during the span of the day and she replies to them whenever she's free. No issues with this. She's more of an avoidant personality. The thing I'm struggling with is, when she's feeling like withdrawing, she goes AWOL. I've noticed this and have controlled my serial texting tendencies, when she's not upto it, so as to not overwhelm her. But sometimes, I feel angry, because I feel like I'm the only person participating in the relationship, I'm the only person initiating the conversation. And just to clarify, when we finally get back to talking terms, I've asked her if there was a particular trigger or something that made her withdraw or if she's had some issue that she'd like to talk about. Her answer has always been that she just didn't feel like talking and there's no issue/problem and that she's fine. I don't feel like having a conversation about this with her would solve the issue, because she's entitled to not replying if she doesn't feel like it. I want to know how I can cope with this codependency issue and anger, so that I don't damage the relationship.
How do I help my friend?
Friendship Support / by grayOwl035
Last post
 September 20th, 2022
...See more This is about my best friend. We've been best friends for 12 years, and complete opposites. Whenever I feel down/depressed, I usually keep to myself for about a day and then, spill my whole thoughts to her. I do this because I feel that is easy for me and keeping it in makes it difficult to talk to her, when things get way sad and I need help. She, on the other hand, shuts everyone out. She never talks if something bothers her. Only when she's feeling better, she replies to everyone and even then, when I ask her, she can't describe what set her off in the first place or why she felt down. I usually just let her know that I'm there and that's all. I also have anxious attachment issues, but I don't bombard her with messages if she's not good. Now, it's been almost 5-6 days and I haven't talked to her. We usually talk everyday. I've tried to not bombard her with texts. She isn't responding to my occasional check-ins. How can I help her?
I feel bad for telling my friend everything
Depression Support / by grayOwl035
Last post
 June 10th, 2022
...See more I haven't been doing well mentally, for the past 4-6 months. It's usually manageable but this time, my bout has been worse. I keep having breakdowns every 2-3 weeks, usually due to some little thing. I always confide in my best friend about my breakdowns and everything, because I feel like she has the right to know, and I feel better when I tell her. But lately, I've been feeling very guilty because I feel like I'm dumping it all on her and I want to deal with it myself. I feel ashamed when I tell her what happened because I've been feeling the same for the past 4-6 months, and I don't want her to see me as just a sad person. Can anyone provide any help or advice for this?
Please advise on how to overcome this (it's a long post)
Family & Caregivers / by grayOwl035
Last post
 October 8th, 2021
...See more TW: Mentions of abuse Hi. For context, I am 23yoF South Asian and my mother is 63yo. We have a pretty contentious relationship, to be honest. She was a teacher for almost 30years and she had me pretty late in her life (when she was 39). She was pretty strict in my childhood. As all Asian parents, she expected first marks in everything. I was a pretty good kid till 7th grade. So, I made sure I was in the top 5 ranks in my class. She used to hit me if I wasn't behaving as she expected (I was a pretty talkative kid and easily distracted. I could never sit in one place and focus on homework)., but she stopped hitting me when I was around 10years old. After that, it was just verbal abuse if I angered her. During 7th grade, I slipped into a slight depression (undiagnosed). My grandmother (mom's mom) was diagnosed with cancer, so my 7th and 8th grade was majorly school, hospitals, chemotherapies, radiation, doctor appointments etc. Around 9th grade, I was in a relationship with a guy from my college and was alone, almost all of the time in school. My classmates called me names and no one took care of me or my schoolwork and the depression became severe. I also broke up with my boyfriend soon after and my grades slipped to rock-bottom. My mom used to yell and swear at me whenever I got low marks/I did something. My relationship with my parents were pretty non-existent at that time. After that, in 10th grade, I slowly rebuilt my life and got decent marks in my exams. I liked a guy in my school and he wanted to come around when no one was there (he didn't have any intentions). I didn't want him to, so I said that people would see and it's too risky instead. My mom saw these messages and threatened to go to his house when he wasn't there and rough-up the people there. I was scared but I defended him and got her to not do anything drastic. After that, my grades slipped down again and I had a lot of other issues (None of which my mother knows till now). Once I got to college, I stayed back at home and attended a college in the same city, for my mother's sake. She was 56-58 at that time, and I didn't want to leave her alone. Slowly, I started talking more to my mother and we rebuilt our relationship. Now, we're pretty much chums (although I never mention anything boy-related). We argue most of the time now, but still come around. I have learnt to love my mother and I do love her now. The problem is, 1. My mother is a very physically affectionate person (hugs/kisses type person). Although I am that kind of person amongst my friends, I don't feel comfortable hugging and kissing her. I feel guilty because my mother feels that I don't love her, because I don't physically demonstrate my affection. I assure her that it is not so, but I cannot bring myself to hug/kiss her more than the bare minimum. How can I overcome that? 2. Every time we argue, I am reminded of all that my mother did to me in my childhood. Then, I feel resentful of her and feel guilty of feeling resentful of her. I want to forget everything and treat her better but I don't know how. Please advise. Note: I have suggested therapy. My mother does not want to go to therapy. And since I live with her, I also cannot go to therapy, which is why I have come to you, kind Internet strangers, for advice.
Issues with friendship
Relationship Stress / by grayOwl035
Last post
 September 18th, 2021
...See more Hi. So, this is about my friendship with my best friend of 11 years. We basically went to the same school, but different colleges and work in different offices. But she's my best friend and likewise, I'm her best friend. I have never hid anything from her and always tell her everything. She's my soulmate and ride-or-die. The problem is, since I tell her everything, I feel like I am overburdening her with stuff and talk. I have undiagnosed anxiety, depression and PTSD (self diagnosed because I don't have access to a therapist, but I'm 99% sure that I have these) and so, whenever I talk to her about some of the stuff that's bothering me, I feel like I am overburdening her with my troubles and darkening the mood. I am also super insecure about my friendship with her and I feel like I am boring her or disturbing her when I send 4-5 texts consecutively. She has repeatedly assured me that that is not the case and always been supportive, but I feel terribly guilty. I want to be in this friendship without p*ssyfooting around her. Is there anything I can do that can make this go away?
I am sooo tired
Depression Support / by grayOwl035
Last post
 August 6th, 2021
...See more Lately, for the past 2-3 months I have been feeling so tired. I have been WFH for the past year and a half. Most of the days these 2-3 months, I have zero motivation to work. Some days, I am really enthusiastic and do a lot of work, but most of the days it's just browsing and scrolling through Instagram. Our team just needs to monitor some stuff for 10hrs, check if there's any issues. Most of the days, there isn't a lot to do, and I just sit in front of the computer. Once my shift gets over, I just want to crawl back into my bed and sleep forever. I have lost interest in eating. I buy takeout almost everyday, to keep the variety of food, but I really don't enjoy eating. If I had my way, I would have skipped every meal until I felt hungry again. I have lost the interest in watching shows. There's almost 3-4 shows that I've started and is just 1-2 eps. in. I really do want to watch them, but I cannot find the interest to sit and watch. I have a long list of chores and items to do, errands to run, but every single task takes me almost days to complete. I keep putting it off and the list keeps piling on. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there for ever. I have no idea on how to overcome this. Any suggestion is welcomed.
Not sure how I feel about this. Please post your insights/thoughts.
Trauma Support / by grayOwl035
Last post
 July 29th, 2021
...See more Hi. So, this is a weird incident that happened a few years back. I think about this every now and then. I had submitted a notebook for an assessment to one of my professors. He was somewhat unhappy with what I had done and pointed out a few corrections. As I put out my hands to get back my notebook, he raised his hand, holding the notebook. I flinched and closed my eyes. I was expecting him to slam the notebook in my outstretched hands. However, nothing happened. I opened my eyes and saw him looking funnily at me (his exact reaction was 🙄😒). He gave the notebook in my hands and I left. Is this normal? Does everyone have the same reaction? P.S. I have been hit in my childhood, both, from my mother and my teachers till around age 10 (my mother and my teachers). (I am Asian, so it's kinda common here). After that, it was just verbal abuse from my mother and from my teachers (I was a good student, so I didn't get a lot of this). However, in the rare occasion, teachers did slam my notes onto my hand if there was an issue.
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