Issues with my sister
Hey. Just posting here hoping to talk about some problems my sister and I have. If anyone has any advice for how we can have healthier interactions, I’d like to hear it. I just want the two of us to get along.
My sister and I don’t communicate in a healthy way. There is an obvious imbalance in our conversations. Before I get into the meat of the issues, I’m not here to blame everything on my sister. I know I’m playing as much of a role in unhealthy communication as her and want to do something about it. So here goes:
My issues:
I struggle to say ‘no’ to her.
I make excuses for her and give her the benefit of the doubt.
I struggle to bring up my feelings/issues/concerns with her.
I have a short temper and while its usually under control, there are times I blow up at her.
There’s likely more I could add to my section, but I’ll admit I’m biased because I’m speaking about myself. I’m sure there are issues I have that I’m overlooking without realizing.
Her issues:
She belittles and minimizes feelings/issues/concerns when I try to bring them up with her.
She says she plans on doing something then changes her plans without telling me.
She makes excuses for herself when I try to call her out on the previous behaviors mentioned.
She constantly tries to put all the blame/responsibility on me. This is the most common out of all of the points here. She is always saying I need to ‘do this’ and ‘do that’ but she never considers what she should be doing.
She gets set off by small mistakes or accidents.
She makes fun of me when I want to try out certain things.
She guilt trips me sometimes.
Anyway, I get that it’s difficult because you can’t hear both sides of our situation, but to summarize my perspective/feelings of our situation: I don’t like the way my sister treats me. She makes me feel like what I want to do is ridiculous or doesn’t matter, that my worries and troubles are stupid, that what I need to do is less important than what she needs to do, and that I’m not good enough, always screw up, and never do anything right.
Just to be clear, I don’t think my sister treats me like this because she hates me. I’m sure its unintentional, but either way, that doesn’t make it okay for the treatment to continue. The same goes the other way around: I’m not intentional with my treatment towards her, but I know it’s not okay and I want to fix it. My goal is for us to work out our issues and treat each other better. Like I said, I just want us to get along.
If you read all of this, thank you. Sorry that I wrote an entire novel, lol.
@persistentBeach9141
wow this sounds a lot like my terrible relationship with my older sister! I can relate to you and my sister is like your sister.
my relationship with my sister isn’t actually terrible. We are close in some ways but I do get frustrated often so I just playfully use the word terrible.
anyway, I would take the list you wrote here that you so well articulated and bring right to her.
invite her for coffee and tell her you have some important things to discuss and just go over the list with her, one by one, explaining certain feelings while giving her the opportunity to chime in. Let her give her opinions but do not let her stop you from giving yours. This should be an attempt to fix the relationship not tear her personality down or put her down or be negative and attack her character in anyway, you are having this talk to be closer to those you love and the talk is important to you because your relationship with her is important to you because you value it. Make that very very clear, probably start the conversation with that other wise she’s most likely going to feel attacked and get defensive quickly.
The only way to get through this is to talk directly with her about it.
it will be terrifying but so worth it.
When you say “ I have a short temper and while its usually under control, there are times I blow up at he” I think that happens as a result of bottled up annoyance. Once you have this conversation I feel like you will feel better and maybe not so quick to control and react. I think your mind goes shoot, she’s doing it again. Ugh I hate this. And that’s when you sometimes react, but if you find a way to calmly and nicely dialogue with her about what’s REALLY going on here, communication on both sides will get better.
Take the conversation slowly and be nice about it. Imagine someone was coming to you with this information. Do it gracefully while firm and direct but not to mean.
@warmheartedPlace887
Thanks for all of the advice! Right now, I'm focused on getting through my college finals, so I'll most likely talk with her after I'm finished with them. Until then, I'll definitely keep your advice in mind while I'm planning what to say when we talk. And thanks again, all of this advice is really helpful!
@persistentBeach9141
set a goal to do it after your finals and before the holidays… so you can’t back out!
In person is best so nothing is misunderstood. Or maybe a face time.
Also when doing something like this use a lot of I feel sentences “I feel like you often times do xyz for example change plans frequently. I feel better when I know things in advance, obviously we can’t always feel in control and life happens but it would work best for me if you yxz for example always text me a heads up when plans change.
I feel like you always make fun of me for example (when did she make fun of you) when I try new things but trying new things is really difficult for me to put myself out there so I would like it if you didn’t make fun of me but acted more supportive.
When you do that it’s way less of an attack on someone’s character
You know she’s going to say something like I didn’t know this stuff bother you so much, come one lighten up. And she may or may not take your words seriously.
the important thing is that you are putting your words out there. You deserve to be heard. Your feels and opinions matter.
@warmheartedPlace887
After the argument my sister and I had today, I really needed to hear this. She just kept talking over me every time I tried to speak, and I felt so defeated like what I wanted to say or how I felt didn't matter. But even if she tries to do that when I talk to her about all of this, I'm not going to let her shut me down again. She needs to learn to listen to me as much as I need to learn to speak up to her when we have a problem.
@persistentBeach9141
YES
You can even say that to her! You can explain you know she’s excited to speak but you have things you need to get off your chest also and she needs to respect that. You know, say please stop. Let me speak, let my finish my sentences and get out what I need to say and then I will be open to hearing your response. But when you cut me off I feel like you don’t heave me, value my opinion, care about me whatever it is you feel….
Also try to explain to her that you are not trying to argue. Just have a healthy mature conversation.
if you feel yourself getting mad takes couple pauses and breaths and remember exactly why you are doing this.
