Advice for dealing with MIL
My mother in law causes a lot of stress in my relationship. My spouse and I both Work full time and she watches our 2 year old daughter once a week. She never follows the rules we give her. I am Not asking for anything crazy. Life jacket in the pool and an adult has to be in there. No sugary treats, special occasions are fine but she has a habit with her other grandkids of going in excess. Currently my daughter is on antibiotics for lymes. This makes her sensitive to milk and milk based products. I’ve asked she not give her any because I can track it better. It’s a fight. She lies. I picked my daughter up and she had yogurt on her face. When confronted she claims I am “Looking for a reason to be upset” this happens anytime we ask her to do something and it’s always a fight. My spouse thinks she is trying and we need to be more forgiving. But she thinks it’s ok to do something as long as we don’t find out. We have a “talk” just about monthly about respecting our rules. I don’t feel like this should be a regular conversation. I feel like if she cannot respect our rules maybe she should not be helping once a week. It has become unhelpful. I want her to have a relationship with our kids, I just think since we can’t get her to follow rules maybe we stick to regular visits and we them every holiday and special occasion, as my family is not close. This always ends in a fight with my spouse, he thinks I am too hard on her and he believes her when she says she didn’t do something. But I’ll have witnessed her not following rules or she will do it and ask my older daughter (12) not to tell me. Or the evidence will be there (yogurt on the face). I am tired of fighting with my spouse over her. I’m not sure how to get her to follow rules or respect boundaries. She thinks she should be allowed to stop by our home whenever she wants, unannounced. My spouse agrees. I think this is not appropriate. Just call first. Is it me that is really being too hard or is she just out of line? How do I handle this without damaging my marriage?
Wow, some of us have mother in law's that have threatened to kîll us after turning up drunk and uninvited...
She is helping you, she has experience being a mother, roll with it...
I am genuinely sorry you have had to experience something so horrible, something no one should have to experience . However, I respectfully Disagree.
my 2 year old is on a very strong antibiotic. Doxy, which does not react well with milk. If not timed properly it can cause the medication to not absorb properly and not be affective towards killing the tick disease my daughter is battling. This is not to be taken lightly. This woman’s disregard for my request is not only unhelpful it is harmful to an infant. At best this woman is a narcissistic, this plea for advice only scratches the surface of her manipulating behavior.
her “experience “ may not be what is right for my daughter and I can choose a healthier path for her.
Your mother in law is not respecting your boundaries and rules. While she may be helping you by watching your daughter, her "mistakes" are not helping you.
Give her an inch, and she'll take a mile. She only watches your daughter once a week, and clearly, she can't even handle that.
I think you already know that your MIL is doing all the typical DARVO nonsense.
You have the right to boundaries, and your idea of visits is completely fair. It gives the control over the time your kids with your MIL back to you. And asking for someone to call before visiting is far from being unreasonable.
I think that you will need to have a discussion with your spouse. While she is your spouse's mother, that does not mean you need to be the target of your MIL's nonsense. Your spouse should recognize that while your MIL is their mother, you are their spouse and you matter too. I think that suggesting visits with your MIL instead as you detailed in the post could be a good start to finding a compromise.
