The unexpected after fight
If you are still struggling with any ED please dont read, it may be discouraging for your healing progress. Healing is never not worth it. Kick your EDs ass loves !
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Its been almost a year since I came out of the hospital for anorexia. Every doctor told me that battling it while I was submerged by the illness was the hardest part, butting definitely wasnt to my mind.
ED are so vicious, and they still control my life today. I eat normally, but I still know the calories of each food, I still count how many calories I had in a day, I still want to do better than everyone in sport because I want to be the one that lost the most calories, all of this without punishing myself if I had too many calories or didnt do sport because I was tired.
I know that not everybody lives his after illness the same, but it just feels like I never see recovered people struggling like I do in a basic day to day life. The hardest part is definitely the guilt of not being sick anymore (for some odd reason) and the safety that I felt when I was recovering in the hospital, I just feel so endangered now that I am in the real world, its like someone poked my safety bubble. Am I the only one experiencing this a whole year after ? Am I doing something bad on journey to complete recovery ? I dont know anymore, I am lost. Feel free to share you recovery experiences in reply, Id love to learn what youve been through and if I am the only one living this :)
@Dwarfancy I have been in and out of recovery once. The first time I tried to recover, bc I wasn't eating at all, I was hospitalized but not in a ED center but a normal mental hospital. Anyhow I was there and I learned to eat again, little by little, but as soon as I was eating they kicked me out bc they thought I didn't need the help anymore.
So somehow I was recovered anyways, and I learned it little by little by myself and with little help from my therapist at the time. It was all good and I was recovered for like 1.5 years. I still wasn't eating lunch, but I didn't really count calories or anything and I didn't work out at all. But... then I decided I could weigh myself, and when I did my weight said that I weighted all too much. I was fat. And when I realized that, I was back to my ED.
And I have been there ever since. I can't recover, bc I can't get any help. And why do you ask? Bc I'm not skinny enough to have an ED, they say, and therefor I'm not sick enough. So I am working on getting skinny enough to get help, and in the journey to that I lost myself to my ED.
Point is: You should just be happy that they will offer you any help. Bc I can't get any. I just gotta get worse and worse, and hope that when I'm underweight I can have help.
