Shame and Pride
Hey friends,
I have been thinking of all the things about my past and what I am most ashamed of. Things that hardly anyone in my family knows but gnaw at me each day. I have found strength in sharing my past, and wish to do the same with a few things, in the hope of finally letting them go.
That being said I'm also proud of myself for accomplishments and things I have done. Some of which likely would not have happened without my ED... Interesting right? So I'm going to share a few things I'm ashamed of, but also proud of.
I encourage you to do the same. Maybe 3 of each. Love you all!
1. I'm ashamed of all the money I have spent on junk food and binges. To the extent of maxing out credit cards and damaging my personal finances. While this phase has largely resolved, I still live with the constant reminder of where I could be in life, how much I could have saved, how much more stable I would be ect. While I'm able to pay my bills and live comfortably, I just am ashamed that I'm not where my "peers" are.
2. I'm ashamed of all the time I've wasted binging and purging. Generally each day it has occurred makes a 2-3 hour ordeal. Going to the store, mindlessly eating, and throwing it up. These sessions too have lessened, but I'm ashamed of the things I have missed, the memories with my family I didn't make, and for isolating myself from the world.
3. I'm ashamed of the lies I have told my family. That I wasn't binge eating, that I was busy when really was bingeing.
1. I'm proud of myself for never losing hope. I always have been able to try new things to break the cycle and am getting better at reaching out to others and with my faith
2. I'm proud of myself for being able to exercise each day and "clear my mind". While it in some ways may be it's own addiction, it has also been my saving grace. I've completed races I never thought I would and am in better physical shape than I was when I was younger.
3. I'm proud of myself for not letting my ED impact my job (much). I have kept my job and continued my education, completing a master's program and 30 additional grad credits. I have pushed myself beyond the education I thought I would have and have gained more confidence and skill as a teacher.
Hoping you all find the love, peace of mind, and self forgiveness you may need ❤️
@Phoenix22k
It shows great strength to share this.
@Phoenix22k
This is such a great post. And you've been so brave posting this!
You always manage to look at the bright side of things, even when the days are darker. I really applaud you for this!
Ok let's see if I can do this too.
Things I am not proud of:
1) Of all the times I said no to going out with friends and spending time with them because I didn't want to eat out. Especially at the beginning, this had an impact also on my husband's social life - while now I've finally convinced him not to renounce to having fun and dinners because of me. But I'll get better at this - I am getting better.
2) Of all the times I took out food from my plate/pot and added it to my husbands' or added quantities to his portions. It wasn't done just so I could eat less. It was also a way of making sure he was fed and had tasty food, while it was actually my own body aching for it. But I could not allow my body to have what it wanted, so I was preparing the food and giving it out to him as if I could satisfy myself by just preparing and watching that food. Luckily he runs quite a lot so he didn't gain weight, but his diet really wasn't that effective as he would have hoped, and he doesn't know it was my fault for not following exactly the dietician's quantities.
3) Of how preoccupied I became with my own body and the shape of my belly, that I started noticing it on other people too. And I absolutely have no business in watching my colleagues' body and thinking they got a little bit chubbier in the last few weeks, or fixating myself on a friends' legs and noticing they have gotten bigger. I don't know what they're going through, and the fact that I want to lose weight doesn't mean they want that too! They could be happier that way. Or healthier. Definively healthier than me! So I am definitively not proud of the times my brain made me comment other people's bodies and I am (mentally) slapping myself each time I find myself thinking something like that.
Things I am proud of:
1) Just like you Phoenix, of the fact I kept doing sports and I think it kept me sane. I never resorted to doing sport in an obsessive way with the only goal of burning calories. On the contrary, realizing I was not able to perform as I wanted to, and that my body really needed some more fuel, is what actually made me decide I needed help. So thanks, sport.
2) Of not having wasted too much time before asking for help. I actually realized quite early on that I had a problem, and went to see a psychologist after around 6 months from the start of my ED. It didn't go well with the first therapist and dietician, and I actually worsened, but I didn't give up and now I think I've found the right help and I am confident I might have found the path to get out of this bad situation. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fast, but I could be on the right road.
3) Even if I am aware that we should not keep things from our loved ones, and that speaking about our issues helps, at the same time I am proud of myself for not letting my ED known to a lot of people, especially my parents. I really didn't want them to worry, especially my mum since she already has some health issues on her own and doesn't need the stress. So I understand this could be seen as not exactly a "win" by someone, but for me I think it was the right choice and I stand by it.
Thanks Phoenix for making me think today!
Sending lots of love!!!