My body

I like being in my body for the first time consistently, in my life. I need to lose weight and I want to lose weight and feel able to cope with the possibility of attention I don't want.

My body is mine but other people have always commented on it. I don't like the positive or negative comments. I'm quite body private.

I was sexualised a lot when I was younger and I didn't realise that wasn't what I wanted as a late teen, I thought I was enjoying popularity.

I still find it difficult to lose weight because subconsciously I'm pretty sure it's an old, old way I've had of protecting myself against hurt from falling for someone who just wanted sex or from feeling invaded from comments that made me really uncomfortable and the only way I could deal with it was minimising how it made me feel, joining in the banter, becoming a pleaser then getting overweight. Its a lonely place but i felt I knew who was my friend and who was actually interested in me. Now I'm in my forties, I have a habit of comfort eating and a lot of sadness and disappointment to process. But its nice to listen to myself again.