Accountability thread - October 21st - 27th

Hello everyone,

Happy start of the week!

I "missed" a few days of updates last week, so I'll give you a recap.

After last week's vet visit, we started treatment for the rottweiler. I was so worried! I kept thinking about how sick she seemed, how the meds might cause her issues, and I was spiraling with all sorts of thoughts. But after just a couple of days of treatment, our playful pup is back—the one we hadn't seen in what felt like forever! We hadn't realized she was acting differently because the pain must have crept up gradually, and she changed just as gradually. Lately, we had been saying how she seemed to have slowed down a lot and was much calmer, but we attributed it to old age. It turns out it wasn't about age but the pain she was in. I feel bad for not noticing sooner and not identifying the problem earlier. You should see her now! She's back to being active, playful, funny, and full of life!

Her new life will be a bit less active than before, even though, seeing how she's behaving now, we feel tempted to let her run around all over again. On Sunday, we took her for a shorter walk but added a coffee break at the bar to mix things up a bit and do something she loves (she adores being around people!). Since she can no longer get on the couch to avoid straining her legs, I bought both her and the poodle soft memory foam mats, and honestly, they're more comfortable than our couch! We’re even tempted to lie down with them on those mats instead of sitting on our own couch.

On Monday, it was the poodle's turn. He had surgery for a gum issue. Thankfully, everything went perfectly, and aside from the obvious need to feed him only soft foods for a few days and making sure they each take their own meds without stealing from each other, things turned out well for him too. Phew!

The downside of all these issues is the financial one. Between surgeries, vet visits, X-rays, medications, soft beds, and so on, I won't lie—it’s been like two months' salary gone in a flash. Plus, with the rottweiler needing meds three times a day, I've had to skip my gym sessions. Hopefully, starting next week, we can reduce her medication to twice a day so I can make some time for myself again. For now, I’m sticking to running or working out at home.

These days, though, my body feels really tired and sore, and it's not responding to workouts as I want it to. For example, this morning I did some push-ups, and I barely managed to do two sets of 10, taking a break after the fifth rep to wonder how I used to do three sets of 15 just a few weeks ago at the gym...

Yesterday morning, I had a follow-up appointment with my nutritionist. I skipped breakfast because I was afraid she’d see my weight gain and assume I was “cured” and that all I needed to feel better was to eat more as the first doc said. In the end, my weight was actually lower than last time, even though I would’ve sworn it was the same. She asked me to try to embrace the discomfort that comes with eating more or feeling bloated. She said the only way I can improve is by accepting these feelings, sitting with them, and gradually learning to live with them.

Considering that on Sunday I have a race (even though I’m not competing, it’s a certified 10km route with official timing, and I want to do well), and considering that lately, it feels like my body is not keeping up with me and doesn't have the strength it did a few weeks ago—plus it’s taking longer to recover after workouts (I often feel sore and like I’m not bouncing back), I’ve decided to try eating a little more for a few days. This really just means reaching 100% of the amounts in my diet plan. I’ve also decided to start taking creatine, which I wanted to try since last year when my husband used it while training for a marathon, but I always held back because I know it causes weight gain. However, I also know that weight gain comes from increased muscle mass and water retention in the muscles. So, I hope I can convince myself that when the number on the scale goes up, it’s muscle and water, not fat. We’ll see if I can manage that. As always, I’ll keep you updated.

I hope I didn’t bore you too much! And most of all, I hope your days are filled with positivity and good things!

Hi everyone. It’s been so long since I’ve posted on here. School has really picked up and I have been so busy. The binging has stayed at bay but I do find myself overindulging even when I’m not hungry. I’m not feeling as much of the guilt tied to it usually which is good but it’s still not healthy because sometimes I’m just using food to cope. I’ve also been feeling a little less confident in my body but I’m hoping to just get back into a workout routine and lose weight healthily and keep working on my relationship with eating healthy too. Anyways, hope you’re all doing well!

Hello everyone,

This week has flown by with one thing after another, and I haven’t managed to write regularly. It’s nice to see, though, that we’ve all been a bit busier and less present than usual. I hope the reasons for us being less active on 7Cups are all positive!

What can I share? My dogs seem to be doing well, and everything is going smoothly with them.

After my latest visit to the nutritionist, I’m actually eating more, trying to “recharge my batteries” for Sunday. I feel a bit bloated, but I’m focusing on the week’s end goal and pushing through. Yesterday (Thursday), I took a break from working out—no running or exercising, just to let myself recover a bit and avoid overdoing it. This morning, I started the day with some exercise, and it went much better than at the beginning of the week. I don’t know if this is thanks to eating more, the creatine, or (probably) just a mental thing, but it’s given me a little more confidence in what I’m trying to achieve.

Unfortunately, the forecast for Sunday is rain and bad weather. Such a pity! Especially since we’ll be quite far from home, and it’s never easy dealing with wet clothes or staying damp in those situations... But it’ll go how it goes—no use worrying now. Maybe the weather will change by then.

Lately, I’m not sure if it’s due to work, the extra food, or last week’s stress over the dogs, but I’ve found myself experiencing some anxiety. It’s happened to me before, and when it does, I feel like I can’t breathe fully or deeply enough. It’s as if I’m missing a bit of air, and I end up trying to take big, deep breaths without quite succeeding. Fortunately, I recognize this feeling from past experiences, and I’m doing my best to manage it. I hope it’s just temporary and that it passes soon.

That’s all I have to share for now... I hope your days are going well!

Sending a hug!

Hey everyone,

Sorry for my lapse all week. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I'd return. Just because, I kept slipping backwards. But, I just can't leave you all hanging. I felt more guilt by not checking in and knowing you are out there. So I'm back :) 

Also noticed that everyone else is plenty busy so I don't feel so bad, perhaps we can just give weekly updates/bi-weekly, or just post when we can as usual. Know that I thought of you all all week.

My week was good overall. I had some binge/purge sessions, not going to lie, so my "streaks" are pretty much non-existent. But slow baby steps have come out of it. 

After school each day I've been great at coming home to decompress and not resort to binge eating. I had some extra work drafting which kept me pleasantly busy. I've also started to really "enjoy" my old game (runescape) again. To the point that I look forward to coming home to playing it. It doesn't quite feel like I'm just delaying a binge, but I find myself enjoying it. Nerdy update, I beat a boss/challenge I never thought I would and I felt so accomplished, silly but I was so excited about it.

Workout have also been really good and I've been sleeping well. My binge/purge sessions are "smaller". I also took the step to just cut up the credit card I would use for it. For some background, I share the card with my parents so they see the purchases. I lied to them in the past saying it was me doing door-dash... (reasons for all the grocery expenses), and just felt terrible about it. So its cut up and it felt like a relief. I have my debit card still but as I can have a more "solid" understanding of the money in that account I keep telling myself I work hard for what I have and I don't need to spend in on being wasteful.

So some small steps, some stumbles, but I feel that I'm nearing a tipping point, in a positive direction. Hoping for a solid weekend and starting a new streak.

Thanks for all the love guys, it is what just made me have to come back and check in. I'll try to not be as invisible but will always post at least once or twice a week for you.

Love you all and have a great weekend. Rise from the ashes like the Phoenix!

10/26

Hi guys things have been pretty good recently. I’ve noticed I’m pretty normal throughout the day until dinner hits. After dinner I end up either binging or stuffing myself till I’m uncomfortably full. It’s weird because I’m not feeling stressed specifically at night it just seems like I need to know I won’t get hungry. Idk if this makes any sense because I still don’t fully understand it but I just feel like I need to be full so that I don’t go to bed hungry.

Hi everyone,

I agree with @Phoenix22k

Since life has been pulling us away from this forum lately, or we're only here when we really need it, maybe the weekly threads don’t make as much sense anymore.
What do you think if we keep this thread open until the end of the month and then start a new, monthly one on the first of November? I don’t think we’ll have so many responses that it’ll become “too much” to follow, as it did at the beginning of this journey, when we had more people, and we were all posting every day...

Now, let’s get back to the usual recap.
As I mentioned in my last post on Friday, after seeing the dietitian, I started eating more. Every day, I tried to put the amounts prescribed in my diet on my plate for each meal (including carbs and fats, which I usually limit). I took creatine. I did some exercise on Friday morning, focusing mainly on core and upper body to give my legs a break.

Sunday morning, the alarm went off at 4 a.m. for that race I mentioned (the 10k organized together with the Venice Marathon and Venice Half Marathon). For breakfast, I prepared porridge the night before and convinced myself to use 50 grams of oats instead of 40. Instead of 2% fat Greek yogurt, I used the 10% one I usually get for my husband. Part of me was thinking, “you’re going overboard, fat” while another part kept saying, “you need energy for the race! It’s 4 a.m., and you have several hours ahead of you before the start; you need to be ready.”

My husband insisted I took a snack bar to eat about an hour before the start. When he prepared his bars and gels for his race, he gave me one as well. While I was packing, I found a fruit-based bar (dates, figs, apples) specifically designed to be eaten during exercise, and I decided to take it along as fuel during the race.

At 7, I was at the starting line for the race, which would begin an hour later. There, wrapped in a plastic sheet to keep warm while waiting, I ate the bar as my husband had given me. Meanwhile, I looked around and noticed not many others were doing the same. But I remembered it was a non-competitive 10K, not one of the main races (the marathon or half-marathon) where pros were more rigorously prepared. So while part of my mind was thinking, “Aren’t you embarrassed, being the only one eating before a measly 10K?” another part reminded me, “I probably take this differently from others here, who just see it as a casual outing.”

When the start was given, a wave of 7,000 people began moving in the same direction. It was exciting but also a bit frustrating because, unlike competitive races where you’re placed in the start grid according to your speed, we were all mixed together. Even up front, there were people walking slowly, blocking others. The first kilometer was all about dodging people, weaving left and right, trying to find space and pass others.

In my mind, I wanted a good time, aiming to finish the 10K in an hour. I hoped to stick with the pacers for that speed (6 min/km). I’d only achieved that pace once before, about a month and a half ago, and it was tough. Then I wasn’t able to reach it again, especially since I had started restricting my diet again, which left me frustrated with my recent runs. So, I took that extra fruit bar along with me, hoping I could use it as a boost if I started feeling too tired, so I wouldn’t finish with a too disappointing performance.

In that sea of 7,000 people, I was too far from the pacers, so I just focused on breaking free from the group, overtaking walkers or slower runners to get some breathing room and settle into a steadier pace. It took more than a kilometer, and still, there were always people ahead. Little by little, I found someone moving at my speed and would follow just behind them. Sometimes they’d speed up and I’d lose them, or they’d slow down and I’d overtake them, switching to follow someone else... and on and on.

At one point, I checked my watch and saw I was going much faster than my target pace and was starting to feel a bit tired and out of breath. So I slowed down a bit and pulled out my fruit bar, nibbling it over nearly a kilometer (eating and running is not easy!).

Of course, my mind instantly went, “Are you serious? Have you ever seen anyone needing a bar or gel for a 10K?” But I reminded myself, “Yes, but I’ve mistreated my body for months. I’m trying to recover from this anorexia, so I’m eating anyway.”

Finally, at the fifth kilometer, I spotted the pacers I had wanted to follow. I caught up to them, thinking if I could stay with them until the end, I’d hit my goal. It helped me catch my breath, but I realized I could go faster. So, I overtook them and continued at my pace.

In the last 2 kilometers (right in the center of Venice), I started feeling tired. But I didn’t give up! Despite the bridges with their up-and-downs that wreck your legs, I powered through, putting one foot in front of the other. And finally, when I crossed the finish line and stopped my watch, I got an incredible surprise. I had run almost 11 km (yes, it wasn’t 10) in about an hour, with a pace of 5.50 min/km. Personal record—massively beating my previous one!

I waited for my husband to finish, walked around Venice, cheered on other runners, and, for once, I didn’t feel out of place. I didn’t feel like an imposter in my running gear with a finisher’s medal. By the end of the day, my watch had logged over 20 km with all my wandering, and my body had kept up without overwhelming fatigue.

We got back home for lunch, and I stuck to my diet’s portions throughout the day. For dinner, I even used a bit more tempeh than recommended, rather than freezing a small amount or just giving it all to my husband like I usually do.

I can’t deny that eating more makes me feel better. But I also can’t ignore that my belly feels and looks fuller than usual, and even now, sitting at my desk, I can feel the creases and bumps. And it disgusts me.

I want to keep trying to eat more for a few more days, though; let’s see if I can and if anything changes... I’m avoiding the scale because I know whatever number shows up would mess with my head!

Today is a rest day. Tomorrow I’ll start again with my usual workouts and runs at home, and we’ll see how it goes... I’ll keep you posted!

In the meantime, sorry for boring you with such a long (and maybe overly detailed) story, and I wish you all an amazing new week!

Hi everyone,
Here I am with another update.
Yesterday, I managed to hit the portions recommended by my nutritionist, even though Mondays are always a rest day from exercise, which makes me feel like I don’t “deserve” all the food as much as on other days. But I did it anyway.

My breakfast, lunch, and snack for today (Tuesday) have all followed the quantities set out in my plan. At lunch, I even ate a quarter of a pear that I’d been slicing for tomorrow’s breakfast since it was a big pear and didn’t fit in the container I was using for meal prep.

For dinner, though, I’ll be taking a small step back. I defrosted some bread, but the pieces I found in the freezer don’t add up to the right weight—they’re about 25 grams short. On one hand, I know I’m not making the “correct” choice here… but on the other, I remember what my nutritionist said about not needing to weigh everything all the time and how perfection isn’t necessary. One time I’ll eat a bit more, and another time a bit less. After all, the pear at lunch is a carb too, so if I have a little less at dinner, it’s really not a big deal. Right?

One thing I’m finding frustrating is that, even though I’m eating way more than I used to, there are still times when I feel hungry just 30-45 minutes after finishing a full meal—one that actually made me feel really full when I was done. And even though my psychologist and nutritionist keep reminding me that I need to learn to listen to my body’s needs, I just can’t bring myself to trust it and eat more. I tell myself that it can’t be real hunger, and that this feeling is a trick from my mind.

I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing or the wrong thing, but what I see in the mirror—that protruding stomach—doesn’t help...

Wednesday 30th. 
Made a HUGE mistake this morning when I woke up. 
I stepped on the scale. 49.20 kg, an increase of 1.65 kg since October 22nd. More than a kilo and a half in one week. 
I immediately avoided my morning cappuccino, but except for that I am still eating all my other meals as planned (as of right now, almost 3PM, I've had breakfast, mid-morning snack and lunch according to my diet). 
I am now  trying to concentrate my thoughts on my sport results, on how I feel eating more, and I try to remind myself I am taking creatine which normally causes weight gain but it's mainly just water... 

Hello everyone,

I apologize for not writing , but I truly hope everyone is well.

I'll be honest, the past weeks , months ....I'm not sure, have been unpleasant. I have gained quite a bit of weight, and it is very noticeable. But I'm hoping to one day get to a place where I'm happy with it, perhaps if I'm able to lose a little.

I am rather ashamed to admit that I have recently resorted to throwing up after times when I would eat a horrible amount of food not just any food , no. Alllll the bad things .yup. Carbs , sugar, fat you name it. I wouldn't be so utterly devastated if it wasn't for the fact that my parents have to pay for it all. After everything they have given me , after all I have done. They still forgive me. God bless them.

Tomorrow I am going with my sister to be her model for her photography project. I can't help but dread it because I have to see what I have become. Perhaps I just won't look.

Even worse , she has been eating very little lately, which for some reason makes me ripe with envy. Most of the time u end up eating her leftovers , which causes me great distress.

But I think the worst of it is how painful it is . I won't give details, but it is both physically and mentally torturing.

I notice though , that when I don't binge , I start to feel very ....afraid? Of so many things at once, almost like dread.

But I will keep praying to God that he may forgive me , and guide me to better places.

Thank you so so much for reading, I cannot thank you enough.