Accountability thread 9/30 - 10/6

@Turtleonmyleftarm hi turtle ! Glad to see you wanting to share your own experience and your peers as well ! Well there will be teen discussion about supporting friends with eating disorders it will be held on 7th October on 4pm eastern so don’t be late ! 🤗 good luck on your recovery journey ! Wishing you all the best 🤗🤗

9/30 Monday

Hi guys! I’ve been so busy at college and honestly having so much fun so sorry my posts haven’t been too detailed. I might start posting on here less frequently but definitely will come back every now and then. Doing really well thanks for all your support!

Sunday 9/29 / Monday 9/30

Hi everyone! Sorry again for my delay in responding and posting! You all know life gets busy and I always appreciate knowing that when I'm able I can come back and post and hear from you all :)

Sunday was really nice. A relaxing day with usual routine. Went to church and then visited my parents to watch the Steeler's football game. While I'm not a "huge" fan of football (american) it was still just a really nice time that I got to spend with my parents. I didn't think much about food and just relaxed with them. The rest of the day went well also with no binges/purges.

Monday was a longer day at work, but again went okay. On my way home I was feeling anxious and contemplating a binge/purge session. I noticed I felt extra "tired" despite sleeping really well. I still think it is just my brain trying to "trick" me into a binge/purge session which involves eating sweets and getting a sugar rush. I managed to get home, change out of my work clothes (which is always refreshing) and then do a few little things around the house. This occupied my time and quited the ED brain. It turns out I had energy to spare after all!

Heading into October, and while I said this for September... I plan to improve even more and really want to start a new "streak" for myself.

Keep being awesome everyone!

Hello everyone,
Here I am with my report from Monday, September 30, and “almost” all of Tuesday, October 1.
I ate about 80% of what my diet prescribes, particularly for dinner, where I restricted more than usual… A consequence of how awful I felt and looked on Sunday. The only thing outside of my diet was the several coffees with milk foam (like cappuccino foam) that I allow myself a couple of times a day.
In the evening after work, I went to see my psychologist, and it was a really intense session. Don’t get me wrong, my psychologist is amazing! But when the session ended, I realized that I had spent most of the time crying and talking about how ugly I feel, how I’ve never felt beautiful in my life or appreciated, and how I just can’t see anything positive about myself. It came up how my past life experiences have led me to view everything I do as never enough, or as just the bare minimum, for which I don't deserve any recognition. I really left that session feeling shattered, and last night I slept terribly, still shaken by those realizations I made during the session.
Today, however, I already feel a little better. I wouldn’t say I feel like a weight has been lifted, but it seems like I’ve at least uncovered this boulder and have started to chip away at it with a chisel. Little by little, I’ll chip away at it, session by session with my psychologist, until I can hopefully break it down completely.
Today, Tuesday, October 1, I ate the correct portions for breakfast and my two snacks, mid-morning and mid-afternoon. Lunch was about ten grams short on carbs and half the amount of fats. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to meet my dinner goals, but I’ll definitely try. I also managed to go to the gym during my lunch break, and that always helps me a lot to release tension and quiet down my ED brain. So, I hope dinner will go as well as the rest of the day, and that my ED brain doesn’t play any nasty tricks on me like it has in the past few days.
See you tomorrow! Wishing you all a fantastic day!

Hello everyone, I'm trying to write a bit more here , but it's hard to find the time.

Today I've been thinking alot about why I just can't seem to improve my relationship with food. From being unable to eat enough, to eating way too much. Why can't I just eat normally? Why can't I just go a day without obsessing about it?

Well I have made some rather insightful realizations recently. The first one I have focused on , is the theory that your ED is a way to cope with all of life's problems. I know this may seem obvious, but what I'm talking about specifically is how it numbs the pain. Because when all that's in your mind is food , there's no room for all the other thoughts. All the worries , all the fears. Because when your not eating, your thinking about how it's a good thing. And if you binge , all you think about is how good the food tastes. There's no room for all the horrible emotions you don't want to feel. It numbs those thoughts. Because I just can't seem to go a moment throughout the day , without either being afraid , and therefore eating. Or eating, and therefore being afraid. I must just keep praying to God for strength and courage, because I want this to end. The other theory I've read of is Dopamine addiction, but I'm not too familiar with that yet. Sorry for the negative post , I guess I'm just feeling blue.

Thank you so much for reading, and always supporting.

I wish you all a wonderful night.

Tuesday 10/1

Sleep 4/5, workout 4/5, motivated this morning and had a nice day teaching at school.

Came home and am feeling pretty good still. With each new month I have set myself some goals and things to look forward to. Some of them are financial, others mental/wellness, fitness, and family. I've done this each month in 2024 and it has helped at least set some "goals" for myself, even if I don't achieve them 100%.

Everything is tied essentially though to my ED. I just know how much better life would be if I can learn to control it and reign it in. To be honest, binge eating/purging, well costs money, so my financial well being could be so much better if I didn't spend mindlessly on food. I could have more energy by sleeping better regularly and eating right. I could look in the mirror and be proud of myself. So much could improve... IF I COULD JUST CHANGE.

I write this just as a way of having it again in writing, and sharing, and hopefully motivating myself through the month.

Just like turtle and others, slowly chipping away at this ED part of me.

Thanks everyone for your endless support and reading. Even in my/our darker times the words you provide make me smile and help me know I'm not alone.

Wednesday 10/2

Had a really nice morning and good day at school. We had a longer day with meetings after school and in the past this would really throw ED brain into high-gear, but it wasn't too bad today.

I again attribute better sleep and nutrition to this. Sorry to keep repeating this, but the more I write it and tell myself the more it might just get "stuck" in my brain so I can be more consistent.

My afternoons I still feel, blah. ED brain is there, and I'm occupying myself with things like reading, some video games, and chores, but I often just feel like I'm just putting off a binge session and it is a conscious effort.

I just need to have faith and keep with it. I need to remember that the negative behaviors took time to "set in" and thus positive behaviors will too.

Relaxing a little more this evening, going to head to bed in a bit, and get some rest for tomorrow.

Hope you are all doing well <3

Hi everyone,

Here I am with an update on my day yesterday (Wednesday the 2nd) and “almost all” of today (Thursday the 3rd).

After my therapy session, and a few hours of feeling all over the place, I finally managed to push away those heavy thoughts and return to some kind of normal. Of course, this doesn’t mean I’m “cured,” but at least I’m not as shaken as I was on Monday evening.

I won’t bore you with all the details of what I did over the past couple of days—you already know by now (gym or a run to start the day, walking the dogs, work…). What I do want to talk about, though (and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this!), is my relationship with food. I realize that my body probably needs something more, and that’s why it’s pushing me toward things it noticed I allow myself. Like the foam on my cappuccino, which is becoming more frequent, or that spoonful of yogurt when I’m prepping breakfast and snacks for the next day. Or fruit. Even last night, while making dinner, I had a few grapes.

On one hand, I know that none of this is unhealthy. And the quantities are really not that big either. But right after, I can’t help feeling guilty, like I’ve gone too far, and then I end up cutting back on my “actual” meals.

My therapist asked me something the other day that I wanted to share with you, maybe you can help give me a new perspective (and it might help others reading too). She asked why I don’t trust the portions my dietitian has given me, and what I would need from my dietitian to be able to trust them.

I didn’t really have an answer for her, other than telling her that it’s not that I don’t trust the dietitian, it’s that I don’t trust my body and how it reacts! The dietitian explained that it takes a lot of excess calories to gain a kilo, but I feel like my body doesn’t react that way. Just a little extra (some milk, a bit of yogurt, some fruit) and my weight immediately goes up—I’m back at 48 kg now. My therapist says this is normal because my body is always in “famine mode” and stores everything, and that weight is also influenced by things like water retention, etc. But I can’t help seeing these fluctuations as my body’s inevitable failure, like all it knows is gaining weight.

Of course, I know I’ll have to work on my body dysmorphia and so many other things. I’m not asking for a solution here. But I wouldn’t mind hearing your thoughts on this or how you would experience it if you were in my shoes—just to see if there’s an alternative way of looking at things that might give me some insight.

Thank you all!
Take care,

D.

Thursday 10/3

A nice Thursday. Last night I ate "a little more" than I probably should have, but it was just another little portion of chicken and salad. Regardless, this in the past has caused binge/purging but it didn't last night.

I woke up and did feel a little more full, but ended up having a great workout, pushing some heavier weights, and having a good day overall. 

My newest revelation, well I've known this for a time, is that I am always so motivated and "ready" for a great day in the morning. Especially after my workouts. This tapers off in the afternoon as I get more tired and I still find "guilt" in just relaxing. I have had more success in the evening and getting to bed at the right time. I also don't feel ED brain quite as much during these times. So I feel like I'm slowly "wrangling" it in. I would say now its noisiest from 3:30 - 6:30. 

Thinking about this at least gives me some pause to recognize my challenging moments and try to prepare for them.

Sorry for the rambling! Just putting out some of my thoughts to help myself process as well :)

Have a nice afternoon/Friday everyone!

Hi everyone,

Today, on the surface, seemed like a pretty ordinary day with nothing special to talk about. But there was one thing... It might seem like nothing to most people, but not to me, so I decided to share it.

Last night, my husband wasn’t feeling very well (some stomach discomfort), so he asked me not to prepare breakfast for this morning. Normally, we have porridge, pancakes, or a “fit cheesecake” made with oats, Greek yogurt, and fruit – essentially a deconstructed porridge. Anyway, all our breakfasts generally include dairy and fruit, and with his stomach feeling off, he asked if I could skip preparing anything so he’d have the freedom to decide in the morning whether he even wanted breakfast. If so, he could choose something drier and gentler on his stomach (specifically, he wanted some toast with a light spread of jam).

Avoiding dairy, he also asked me not to prepare our usual mid-morning snack – yogurt and fruit. For lunch, instead of bringing something from home, he planned to have something at his parents’ house, choosing what to eat based on how he felt the next day.

I usually spend quite a bit of time after dinner preparing meals for the following day. But last night, I found myself… with nothing to do! I considered making my “usual” meals just for myself, but then I changed my mind and thought, “Why not? Let’s try an unplanned day.” And so I did!

For breakfast, I had toast with a bit of jam. For my mid-morning snack, I had a piece of fruit and some nuts. By lunchtime, it was cold and pouring rain, so I came home and made a warm lentil and vegetable soup. While it was cooking, I prepared some yogurt with fruit for the afternoon. And I took some sea bream fillets out of the freezer to thaw for tonight, though I still have no idea how I’ll cook them or what I’ll serve them with.

I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s been over a year since I’ve lived “day by day” like this. I usually plan my meals in advance, always knowing what I’ll be eating the next day, and I try to prepare things ahead whenever possible. So, it felt really strange to decide in the moment what I wanted to eat. I’d like to say I felt “lighter” and carefree, but I’d be lying. Still, I think it’s a step forward in working on my rigidity around food, so today, I want to give myself a pat on the back and tell myself I did well.

Wishing you all a fantastic day!