Accountability thead - November 2024

Hi everyone,

I’m so sorry for “disappearing” for, how long? A week, I think! It’s been such a hectic period, and I haven’t been able to be around as much as I’d like. It does give me a bit of comfort to see that you all have a lot going on in real life, too, and aren’t posting as much... But know that you’ve been in my thoughts every day, and I’ve been checking the app daily to see if there were any new messages.

As we discussed, let’s try moving to monthly posts instead of weekly ones. I’ll kick off the new thread!

So, what can I say? To start, as I hinted above, things are really crazy right now. Work has ramped up a lot these last few weeks; I’m juggling multiple projects at once and definitely feeling the pressure to complete everything in the best way possible.

On top of that, my lunch breaks aren’t quite “mine” anymore because of the medication I need to give to my dog (who, thankfully, is doing a lot better!). Before, some days I’d use my break to go to the gym and release a bit of tension, other times to run errands, or even to just stay at the office and get a bit more work done. But now I have to go home, eat, give my dog her meds, and use the time to get a jump on household tasks. Sometimes I do laundry, or iron, or clean, or start prepping for dinner. If I know my husband has his running training that evening, I’ll use my lunch break to walk the dogs (a short walk for both, then I let the Rottweiler rest in the yard and take the poodle for a longer walk). That way, I get to enjoy the sun and warmth and avoid going out in the dark later on—not that I’m afraid of going out at night, but it’s easier to walk the dogs alone during the daytime when my husband has training.

Then, after work, I cook dinner, prep my meals for the next day (breakfast, snacks, lunch), and head to bed early. The only real “me” time I get is early in the morning, before the rest of the world wakes up. I set my alarm early to go out for a run before 5 a.m. or to fit in a workout. And while I’m writing this, I realize just how busy and absurd my life sounds if my only time to unwind - my "me time" - is doing something that, for 99% of people, would be stressful—getting up before dawn to go running in the dark and cold!

Lately, though, I can feel that this constant go-go-go, staying super active and busy, is starting to impact my mental health. I’ve had anxiety in the past, which showed up as the feeling that I couldn’t breathe deeply enough. I feel like I’m gasping for air, and as if my breaths aren’t enough to get the oxygen I need. So I take deep breaths, but they leave me unsatisfied, and I keep gasping for air. Thankfully, I’ve come to recognize this feeling and try to calm myself... but it’s not pleasant to live like this. It makes me realize I’m racing at full speed and need to slow down. I just don’t know how to take my foot off the accelerator.

Work frustrations with colleagues are also increasing. I get along with everyone and collaborate well, but every “little thing” that doesn’t go as it should feels magnified in my mind, making me more irritable. I even have moments when I vent to my closest coworkers. The same thing happens at home with my husband. I love him endlessly and support him in all he does, but sometimes his relaxed approach bothers me. He can just lie on the couch and unwind after a day’s work or spend time watching silly videos on social media, while I’m running around, trying to get everything done. After his marathon, which he’s been training so hard for, I’ll probably talk to him about easing back on his training a bit and helping more at home. Otherwise, I’m seriously going to burn out.

As for food, I’m still eating more. If you remember, I started sticking to the quantities my dietician recommended right after my last check-up, aiming for my race, which thankfully went really well. I’ve gained about 1.5 kg in a short time, but I’ve kept to these portions (even though my mind tells me to cut back and that I’m gaining weight) because… I’m hungry. I don’t know what to say, guys—I just can’t restrict like I used to! I don’t know if I’m lacking the willpower, or if it’s my body or my mind that’s given in, but I’m always hungry. I stick to the quantities in my diet (except for the cappuccino) because I don’t want to gain even more weight, but if I listened to my body, I’d probably be eating nonstop. This hunger, combined with stress and the feeling of breathlessness, isn’t helping me feel better.

I’m trying to follow my dietician’s guidelines and ignore my mind telling me I’m gaining weight. I’m also trying to focus on what this extra food is allowing me to do. On Sunday, for example, I ran 15 km continuously for the first time. I’d done 15 km twice before, but both times were slower and included walking breaks. So, I’m trying to focus on this, rather than on my belly in the mirror or the size of my thighs.

As usual, I’ve written a novel. I don’t know if anyone will have the time or desire to read all this, but just writing it out often helps me... So thank you, whether you read my post or not—you’re a huge help to me either way.

Wishing you all amazing days and all the best!

Hi to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Last weekend, specifically on Friday evening, I had something like a breakdown.
I left work feeling this strange sensation wash over me, and suddenly I was just exhausted, completely drained.
My husband and I had plans to go out to dinner that evening, but I didn’t have the energy or even the interest to suggest a place or make a choice. I told him to pick whatever he wanted. I spent most of dinner watching him talk while feeling like I was disconnected, almost like a spectator in a scene I didn’t really belong to. And as he talked, I found myself wondering what expression he might be seeing in my eyes and whether I could even manage to seem engaged or present at all.
After we got home, I asked if we could go straight to bed, even though it was still early, but I felt truly exhausted.
The next day, Saturday, felt similar. Tired. A bit sore. I wondered if maybe I was coming down with something because I couldn’t explain what was going on. And I couldn’t just not explain it to myself; I also couldn’t answer my husband when he asked what was wrong, saying I was acting “off.”

I almost decided to skip the Sunday run (you know how we run every Sunday somewhere). This time, it was a mountain trail race — definitely not my usual thing since I prefer flat asphalt, and I knew it would be tough. With how drained I felt, I wasn’t sure I could even handle it.

Luckily, the race on Sunday went well (more like a hike than a run, but what a hike!), and I was feeling better already that morning. Even today, I feel fine, and that strange low point from Friday and Saturday seems to have passed.

Still, I realize I’m on edge, tense, and quick to snap at things.

Today, my husband was off work since his company was closed for a local holiday.
He stayed home to give our dog his meds, and I managed – finally, after weeks – to get back to the gym. Before my workout, I mentioned to my coach that I’d been having some pain between my neck and shoulder. He looked at me, tilted his head to get a better view of the area I was showing him, watched my movements, and then asked, “Are you stressed lately? Feeling irritable?”
It was like a punch to the gut. I’ve somehow built up this situation where not only is my mental health affected but so is my physical health. Not to mention potential issues from anorexia that, while I don’t feel them now, doctors say might be there…

I want to change. But I don’t know how or what to do.
It also saddens me to see that this little group we had going – especially with @Phoenix22k – seems to be dissolving, just like so many other things in my life. I can’t help but think it’s my fault because I talk too much. I write too much. And it’s only about myself; I don’t seem to give enough support to others, and in the end, they leave…

Hi there,
I hope you're all doing well and that you’ll eventually make your way back to this group to share your days and experiences. In the meantime, I hope life is treating you kindly, while I "keep this thread warm" until your return.

Monday was an exhausting day. It felt like it started on the right note—especially since I could finally go back to the gym, as my husband was home from work due to a local holiday and could handle giving the dog its medication. But after work, things took a turn. I don’t even remember if it was a particularly challenging day at the office, though there was definitely a bit of tension given the chaotic period we’re in. Still, when I finished work and called my husband, he said something like, "I guess I could have made something for dinner." In a resigned and slightly disappointed tone, I replied, "You could have done so many things with a totally free day." He just responded, "You’re right."

From there, the tension started building. We had plans to meet at the vet’s, so we hung up, as he needed to load the dogs into the car and get going, and he said, "Talk to you soon." I got to the vet, but he wasn’t calling back, so I started getting paranoid, worrying that he’d be late. (I have a thing about punctuality; I tend to get pretty annoyed if I'm late and always have to be early). I kept stewing over this feeling that he’d be late. In the end, he wasn’t actually late—he just forgot to call me back—but by then, my nerves were already sky-high.

Once we got home from the vet, his best friend called, and they started their usual long conversation (sometimes they talk even twice a day). It was late, I was hungry, tired, and irritable, and after a full day at the office, I came home with everything left to do while he chatted away instead of talking with me. To "help," he started chopping veggies for dinner, but while still talking with his friend. I moved him aside, not-so-gently, and took over so I could finish things faster. I just kept getting more and more worked up.

I kept asking myself what he’d done all day to not have prepared something for dinner, knowing we’d be home late. In my head, I kept thinking, "If I were in his position, I would have cooked, I would have cleaned the house, I would have done this and this and that." How could he not see all the things that need to get done? How could he not think ahead about what we might need? How could he spend so much time chilling, on the phone, watching videos, and relaxing?

I felt like a pressure cooker ready to explode. I felt like I couldn’t breathe deeply enough, and this only added to my tension. At some point, I even thought, “Alright, you didn’t think to do anything for us today, even with a whole day off? Fine, then you’re on your own tomorrow. You’ll have to go out for lunch, take a packaged snack to work—figure it out.” So, we ate dinner, and afterward, he asked me what I wanted for lunch the next day. I told him I didn’t know and would figure it out later, and walked out of the kitchen to start folding the laundry. So he started preparing his own meal for the next day, along with breakfast and snacks for both of us, asking me the quantities to weigh each time.

I should have appreciated his effort and the fact that he knew what to do. And yet, I was irritated even by that! I even started worrying he wouldn’t have the same attention to detail I have when measuring food portions—putting too much of one thing or another, making me gain weight. I realized that no matter what he did, my mood, irritability, and frustration wouldn’t budge, even though he was trying his best. Obviously, I didn’t say anything to him and tried not to let it show because I knew the problem was all in my head and that he didn’t deserve my frustration.

Yesterday, Tuesday, was a little better. But I still have these moments where I feel out of control, anxious, and even struggling to breathe. I realize I need help, and that my psychologist can only take me so far. So, I reached out to the psychiatrist who assessed me a few months ago when I was admitted to the eating disorder treatment center. At the time, she’d told me I didn’t seem to need further treatment (besides sessions with my psychologist and dietician) but that I should contact her if things changed or got harder. I’ll see her again on the 26th to discuss these new struggles I’m dealing with. It’s like my body is fighting against me. Now that I’m eating more, instead of feeling better, my mind has taken over and is lashing out.

Plus, I’m constantly hungry, even though I’m not eating any more than usual besides having a cappuccino and some extra milk. Yet, I see myself as gaining weight, my belly growing, and this is also driving me crazy. I want to go back to cutting down my portions as I used to, but I realize I just can’t manage that anymore. And next Tuesday, I have a follow-up with my dietitian. She’ll see I’ve gained weight and will think I’m doing better, when in reality, I feel worse than ever.

Hello @Sweetdisposition6571

How nice to read your messages again.
Don’t worry; they’re all visible! They might just be “hidden.” If you’re using the desktop version on a computer, at the bottom of each response, you should find a blue button with a + symbol and the word “reply.” By clicking on it, you’ll see all your responses. As for the app or mobile version, honestly, I don’t know how it works, but I can see all your responses directly.

In any case, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read all my messages and for responding to each one.
Your kindness and thoughtfulness really moved me! I almost feel bad that you spent all that time on me, sharing so little about yourself and how life is going for you. How are you? I hope things are going well for you and that you're feeling good. I was sorry to read that you’re struggling a bit with your workouts and feeling very tired, but I don’t think you’re as unfit as you say. There are probably many things contributing to it, and whenever you feel like talking about it, you know I’m here for you.

Your messages touched on many things that hit home for me.
From the perfectionism that defines me to the possible burnout. Actually, in the back of my mind, I had already considered possible burnout, but I always tend to downplay it and think that, in the end, my life isn’t that bad, so I “don’t deserve” the luxury of feeling this bad. Let me explain better. I have a job, a home, my family is well. I’m not rich, but I’m part of that privileged side of the world that doesn’t have to struggle tooth and nail to make ends meet or lack a roof over their head. I have a friend who just discovered that her mom has a serious illness—in my head, she’s justified in feeling bad. But I am not.

Recently, a listener wrote to me that we’re very good at being kind to others but not to ourselves. This is a clear example of how I tend to self-sabotage and criticize myself. To a friend, I would certainly say they are more than justified in feeling this way, but with myself, it’s like that logic doesn’t work.

You’re also right about food. I’ve read many stories about extreme hunger, recovery bloating, etc.
Again, I struggle to accept that these things are really happening to me. It always feels like my anorexia isn’t “bad enough” to cause these reactions, and I think it’s just… weakness? Lack of self-control?
But again, I know you’re right. I just need to figure out how to make my brain understand it.

It really struck me when you wrote that food also helps the brain function, and that now that I’m eating more, my brain has probably started transmitting again and is trying to fight my ED. And that all this anxiety and unease might be related to the reactivation of my brain’s activity. You know, when I read that, it was like something clicked in my head? Like a missing puzzle piece finally fell into place. I believe this is true for me, and that you’re right!

Thank you for sharing your story about recovery and extreme hunger. You’re very brave and truly an inspiration to me!

hi guys its been a while since ive posted. lifes been pretty good. as for the binging its been off and on but just binged really badly today. i havent stuffed myself to the point of nausea in a while but today was one of those days and i feel really awful. definitely doing better mentally with dealing with the hard days but still pretty disappointed in myself.

Hi @Sweetdisposition6571

Thank you so much for opening up to me—it means a lot, and I really value how honest you’re being. It sounds like you’re going through a tough time, and I just want to say that your feelings are valid. Overeating, feeling unproductive, and the stress of figuring things out on your own aren’t “silly things” at all—they’re hard, and you deserve space to feel however you need to about them.

I think it’s amazing that you’re staying consistent with your workouts, even if it’s a bit tricky with your mom joining in. It’s sweet that she wants to do this with you, though I get how that could make it more complicated. You’re showing so much patience and care by including her, and that’s something to be proud of. And I am sure it will help you overcome the fatigue too. Having someone to chat with while you're working out can be an amazing way of making time pass by more quickly, and share the pain of the hard work. I can understand it also makes some things harder (for example you can't really plank and talk otherwise you lose concentration and don't focus on your muscles correctly) but if you find the right balance, it will be great. And it will also bring you and your mama closer. 

As for studying for your learner’s license, I can see how stressful that must be without much practice! 

And please don’t feel guilty for exercising, playing guitar, or doing things that bring you joy. You absolutely deserve those moments. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others, and those “luxuries” are actually essential for your well-being.

Lastly, thank you for being so understanding about what I’ve been going through. Your support means the world to me, but I also want you to know that you’re allowed to feel what you feel, too. Comparing our struggles doesn’t help either of us—you matter, and what you’re going through is important.

I’m here for you, always. Let’s take it one step at a time together.

Hi everyone,

I don’t have many updates to share.
Things have been more or less the same as in my previous reports, though I’d say the lows haven’t been as intense as last week (even if there are always better moments and others that are more challenging).

I’ve noticed that Saturdays are always a tough day.
It might be because my mind “switches off” after a work week, and with fewer distractions, it delights in throwing all the frustrations I managed to ignore during the week straight at me. Or maybe it’s because, with the drop in tension, I allow myself to feel everything more intensely. Whatever the reason, this Saturday was no different—I felt disconnected from the world, tired, fed up, completely drained, and unwilling to do anything. It was more mental exhaustion than physical. Sunday was way better, since it always starts with my long run that really clears my head, gives me an adrenaline and dopamine boost, and the results make me feel like I am worth something. 

On top of that, Saturday morning, I looked in the mirror and felt horrible. Fat. Bloated. Absolutely awful. And so, I did something I know I shouldn’t have done, but I did it anyway—I weighed myself.
The result matched what I saw in the mirror, so it wasn’t just body dysmorphia—it was reality: I had gained more weight.
On one hand, I’m always hungry, so I find myself eating a little more fruit, an extra spoonful of yogurt, etc. But on the other hand, I’m very active—I run, work out, and I’m constantly moving, even at home, cleaning, ironing, and doing a million other things! And yet… my body keeps betraying me like this.

Both Saturday and Sunday, I ended up slightly cutting back on my food portions. Though on Sunday afternoon, while I was cooking, I ate half a pear that wasn’t part of my meal plan. But seriously, half a pear. That’s hardly a big deal, right? And yet, I’ve gained over 2 kg in just a month.

On top of that, I’ve had neck, shoulder, and sometimes head pain for days now.
Last week, I went to the physiotherapist because I had a frozen shoulder, and I have to go back tomorrow for a second session. Clearly, something physical triggered this issue, but I can’t shake the thought that stress is playing a big role in it too—especially when the pain starts in my neck and radiates up to my head.

I hope your days are better than mine and I send you all much love!

Yesterday, I had a follow-up appointment with the dietitian at the eating disorders center. It was scheduled at 2 PM, right after I'd eaten both breakfast and lunch—whereas my previous appointments had always been in the early morning, on an empty stomach.

Lately, I knew I had gained weight, which, while it was something I was “prescribed” to do, bothered me—not so much because of the weight gain itself, but because of how quickly it happened and the type of food (just a little more, and healthy) that caused it.

It felt like confirmation that there’s something inherently wrong with my body and that I’m destined to always be overweight unless I strictly control everything. I gain weight just by looking at food, or so it seems.

So, I went there already feeling uneasy and not particularly hopeful about the outcome. We talked, and then the dietitian weighed me (I didn’t want to know the number).

The result? My BMI is 18—still on the lower end of the “healthy” range. They told me they’d check in again next year if needed, but for now, I’m fine, and I should just focus on eating.

Basically, what I feared happened. As soon as my BMI crossed a certain threshold, the staff at the eating disorder center considered me “recovered”—even though I’ve never felt worse than I do right now.

On the 27th, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist, and I hope they’ll see that nothing could be further from the truth. I need them to continue supporting me through therapy with the psychologist. Because if they don’t, I feel like I have no chance of recovery. If being followed up on requires me to be underweight, it means I’ll have to restrict again. And that’s a vicious cycle that will never let me truly get better.