On and off struggle with eating
Hi! So, this is my first post and I don't even know if this is the right place for me, but I also don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
I've never actually been diagnosed with an ED, but I've been struggling with eating and my body for years on and off. There were phases when it was okay, but other times it got really bad and I'm afraid that I'll spiral. It's just really hard to fight it, because it feels like I'm at war with myself.
There's a part of me (that I often call the logical part) that recognizes that I'm underweight, not eating enough and that, maybe, I should reach out to someone. That part is making me post here.
And then there's the part that tells me that I'm fat, that points out all the parts of my body that are "too much", that makes me count calories and whenever I eat it's telling me that it's too much, that I should stop, that I'll only get fatter. It's making me read books about eating disorders, even though the logical part knows they only make it worse and it encourages me to look up thinspiration blogs and such. I can block that part out for periods of time, when I'm super focused on other things, but then it creeps back up on me and it's especially bad whenever I'm about to eat something.
It starts before I even have the food in front of me. Like, just knowing that I'm going to eat something makes me so anxious and I'm getting bombarded by all these mixed messages by the two parts (for example: You're too fat already! You're underweight. You eat too much! You don't eat enough.) until I don't even know anymore which part I should believe.
Right now I'm still able to eat, I don't feel like I've lost control completely, but I know (from experience) that it's only going to get harder the longer it goes on and that's what I'm afraid of. That it will go on long enough for that second part to take over completely.
The weird part is that, a few months ago, I actually wanted to gain weight, at least to get to a more healthy level (there was also the looming threat of hospitalization if I lost more weight) - but when I saw that I'd gained a bit, it just freaked me out completely. I don't know how to deal with it and thinking about gaining anymore makes me panic.
I've tried talking to a friend about this, but I couldn't really put into words how I struggled and I don't think he really understood. That's why I'm here now. It may be silly, but I also feel like, because I haven't been diagnosed with an ED, it's not that serious, or that I won't be taken seriously.
Listen that voice in you head that tells you to stop eating or your too fat is wrong. I know how hard it is to tell yourself that and make yourself actually believe it, but it's true. ED is no joke and it can make normal day to day situations a struggle simply because you just don't feel comfortable in your own skin, and it's so shitty. You need to look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself how perfect your body is no matter what. And you need to eat a healthy amount of food and not hate yourself for it. You deserve the world, and you need to do whatever it takes to get it. And if you honestly feel you can't tackle that battle on your own because it hasn't worked out before, then talk to someone. Go to a family member or a friend and go to the doctor. I can promise you there is options to get help for this very serious situation you are dealing with.
@Rainbowwings - I can relate to every word of that. For me the absolute hardest part of recovery was listening to the voice that wanted me to be happy and ignoring the other one when it was screaming at me that everything was wrong. But the more you let the healthy voice speak, the louder that voice gets and the quieter the other one does. It's not fast change, but it can happen.
You are brave and strong to be reaching out here, and just to be recognizing that you're headed down a path you don't want to go down again, and for all of that, I'm really proud of you. If you want to talk to someone who has been there and who understands it, you can always reach out to me.
Take care, and stay strong!
Thank you both. I think getting it all off my chest already helped. I mean, it's not going to magically fix everything, but it's something - and I also had a bit of a wake-up call. I hurt myself while exercising and then I just stood there and it felt so surreal, because I only hurt myself because I was doing it late at night in the dark, because I didn't want anyone to know that I was doing it. And it felt just wrong.
Today was a bit better though. I just try to be aware of the little victories. Earlier today, I was about to weigh myself, but then I told myself firmly "no" and turned away from the scale. And it felt good, because for a short moment I didn't need that number to tell me how pretty I am.
I don't know what I should do about the calorie counting though. It kinda gets used by both voices. The healthy one can use the numbers to point out that it's not enough, and at the same time the other one looks at them and goes "why don't you aim for a lower number?". I'm not sure if I should stop - or if I want to stop.
@Anomalia - I know what you mean .. I've been through all of this so many times now, I'm just tired of fighting. And sometimes the unhealthy voice is just so loud that it's hard to hear the healthy one over it.
Thank you though for your kind words, they mean a lot. Not sure why, but especially if someone tells me they're proud of me (for whatever reason), it really get's to me. I guess I don't hear it very often. And I'll keep your offer in mind.