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rainbowwings
109 M Embraced 1
PathStep 19 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2018 Member sinceAugust 12, 2015
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On and off struggle with eating
Eating Disorder Support / by rainbowwings
Last post
 August 13th, 2015
...See more Hi! So, this is my first post and I don't even know if this is the right place for me, but I also don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I've never actually been diagnosed with an ED, but I've been struggling with eating and my body for years on and off. There were phases when it was okay, but other times it got really bad and I'm afraid that I'll spiral. It's just really hard to fight it, because it feels like I'm at war with myself. There's a part of me (that I often call the logical part) that recognizes that I'm underweight, not eating enough and that, maybe, I should reach out to someone. That part is making me post here. And then there's the part that tells me that I'm fat, that points out all the parts of my body that are "too much", that makes me count calories and whenever I eat it's telling me that it's too much, that I should stop, that I'll only get fatter. It's making me read books about eating disorders, even though the logical part knows they only make it worse and it encourages me to look up thinspiration blogs and such. I can block that part out for periods of time, when I'm super focused on other things, but then it creeps back up on me and it's especially bad whenever I'm about to eat something. It starts before I even have the food in front of me. Like, just knowing that I'm going to eat something makes me so anxious and I'm getting bombarded by all these mixed messages by the two parts (for example: You're too fat already! You're underweight. You eat too much! You don't eat enough.) until I don't even know anymore which part I should believe. Right now I'm still able to eat, I don't feel like I've lost control completely, but I know (from experience) that it's only going to get harder the longer it goes on and that's what I'm afraid of. That it will go on long enough for that second part to take over completely. The weird part is that, a few months ago, I actually wanted to gain weight, at least to get to a more healthy level (there was also the looming threat of hospitalization if I lost more weight) - but when I saw that I'd gained a bit, it just freaked me out completely. I don't know how to deal with it and thinking about gaining anymore makes me panic. I've tried talking to a friend about this, but I couldn't really put into words how I struggled and I don't think he really understood. That's why I'm here now. It may be silly, but I also feel like, because I haven't been diagnosed with an ED, it's not that serious, or that I won't be taken seriously.
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