Not sure what my deal is anymore
My anxiety has been changing my eating habits that I keep thinking about food. I'm aware that food won't hurt me but I get scared of choking on it. I don't care if food has an affect on my appearance which is why I'm wondering if it even counts as an eating disorder. I already feel like a burden on my parents for not eating well, which makes my anxiety worse, further starving myself even more. It's like I don't deserve food at all. I just don't know who else to turn to when I am financially not well enough to find a therapist in this country. I get so frustrated with myself that I'm not gaining any weight at all and recovering from this is hard on my own.
I've already seen a doctor to check my bmi levels and everything, there was one vitamin deficiency but I've been taking some iron tablets for that. It might be just stress but I there's literally nothing to be stressed about! It's so frustrating! My mom has had an eating disorder before I was born but I don't think that has anything to do with me. Maybe I am just crazy, but I'm scared of not getting enough nutrients even if I ate a whole meal. Ever since I've lost a ton of weight from straving myself for 3 days, I've been trying to look fatter and less slimmer.
She used to purge after she's done eating, she thought it was a normal thing girls do but then she stopped when my dad found out about it. I don't know if it's genetics or something but I doubt it. Anyway, I ate without any worries today but then anxiety messed up lunch time. I had to eat slower when I felt too stressed. Please tell me this isn't an eating disorder. 😥