I think I have an eating addiction...

Hi!

I haven't been on 7cups for a while. I used to go on here a lot for anxiety support when I had a relapse 3 years ago, but I've been doing amazing in that regard since then! Those are the good news I guess. But, unfortunately, I also have some bad news: I think I am developping an eating disorder...

A bit of context first: I am a 24 year old woman, I weigh 155 lbs and i'm about 5'3.5''. Last year, I realized I was obese according to my BMI (I was at 175 lbs). I was completely devastated, having been naturally thin all my childhood and teenage years (I think my "perfect" metabolism just completely changed when I entered my twenties and then my body started to face the consequences of my bad eating habits). Since that awful realization moment, I have been working out 20-30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. I also drink lots of water and have an active lifestyle (I move a lot during the day since I work with babies and toddlers in a daycare, I'm literally always moving and running around lmao and I also walk 20 minute to go to work and 20 minute to go back home). So, in terms of fitness, I think i'm doing okay (I'm actually doing amazing compared to what I used to do before, which was next to nothing).

The problem is my eating... Ever since I have been trying to lose weight, I started noticing that my eating habits weren't normal.... Because yeah, I think I’m addicted to eating. The funny thing is that, If I’m busy doing something and I’m not thinking about it, I’m fine, even if I’m hungry, I’m able to ignore the hunger cramps. The problem is when I START eating; I just can’t stop. It’s like I enter a trance, where I just need more and more and more and more and more. I eat very very very fast (I always did. Just a bad habit I have trouble getting rid of) so I don’t feel full before it’s too late. I tried to eat slowly but it just drives me nuts. I get so impatient. I don’t know why. I know it’s super dangerous and unhealthy to eat fast but I just can’t help it, it feels so much more satisfying to me (it makes no sense, I know). Also, and I’m very very ashamed of admitting that, I love feeling full. I love that sensation where i’m completely satiated, where my belly is full and I don’t want to eat at all anymore. I feel complete, finished. Like I can finally relax, in peace, without thinking about food. Again, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just because i’m a perfectionist, and I love “finishing” things, or filling things up to the brim. If I stop eating when I feel just “okay” instead of “full”, it literally enrages me. I know it’s dumb, and i’m not proud of saying it, but it’s the truth. I feel so unsatisfied, so incomplete if I’m not full, that I will boil from rage and throw a temper tantrum if I don’t restrain myself (I feel like a complete idiot saying that. Even my toddlers at work don't get angry like that when there's no more food and they're still hungry). ANd i'm usually a super calm, patient person, I never ever ever get angry like that... but I swear, when my Uber Eats order forgot my dessert, I was almost crying because I was so angry... that's embarassing and NOT normal....
The worst thing is sugary snacks (like cookies or small chocolate bites). I just go absolutely insane with these. The taste is so good, I just feel like I cannot get enough. The dopamine releases like crazy in my brain when I eat sugary sweets. If I stop after like 2 or 3 (when I really want like 10), I feel so… idk how to describe it… incomplete? Unfinished? Interrupted? I would rather not have my cookie at all if I cannot have the full freaking box to myself in one go (This is an hyperbole, but you get what I mean). But at the same time… Living in a world without cookies and chocolate sound extremely sad and dull. You know what I mean?
And it should be noted also that whenever I eat, whatever I eat, I feel guilty. Even if I eat a reasonable amount and the food is healthy, I still. feel. guilty. Everything that goes through my mouth is a reminder that "this is why I'm fat". And yet, I do it all over again right the next day. I never learn.

After a year of working out and trying to change my eating habits (they are still terrible, as you can see from my paragraph above, but still better than they were, let's say a year or two ago), I only lost 10 lbs. I actually talked about this to my doctor because I thought it was weird that I was just completely plateau-ing weight-wise and, according to some blood-tests, I have insuline-resistance. Basically, one step further and it turns to diabetes type 2. So, losing weight is really hard for my body because it doesn't store fat properly. Great. The doc says I have to turn towards a more ketogenic diet (not necessarily strict keto, but just reducing carbs and sugars in general). I'm trying to make some changes here and there to reduce carbs but it's hard and complicated to find vegetarian keto recipes that I actually LIKE...

ALso important to note: I recently had a big surgery for my upper jaw and chin (about one month and a week ago), which required me to stop working (and stop working-out) for a whole month for recovery. I also had to be on a liquid diet for like a week. It reduced my appetite a lot for a week or two also. As a result, I lost 10 pounds (I honestly do not understand how this all works. I sit on my butt and do nothing for a month and I lose 10 pounds but I work my butt off for an entire year and also lose only 10 pounds? Where is the logic. How does this work! ugh). I still haven't re-gained those pounds (even with Christmas time where I ate everything without restrictions). So now I'm at 155 lbs. But I feel like the 10 lbs I just lost were like...cheating? if that makes sense. I'm still unsure if my scale is broken or if I saw the numbers correctly because I don't understand how it happened. But yeah, I lost 10 pounds because of my surgery, I guess. But oh well, I'm still overweight, according to my BMI.

So yeah, that's about it. I don't know if I qualify for an eating disorder, but I feel like it's probably related. I also have extreme insecurities when it comes to my body: I'm on the edge of tears everytime I see my body in the mirror. Especially when i'm in my workout clothes and I see my fat rolls, it honestly makes me want to hit my head against the wall until I pass out. My appearance has been affecting me more and more lately and i'm scared that it will turn into a more serious disorder like bulimia... I never purged and I don't think I would because I'm too scared for my teeth (I've been wearing orthodontic appliances that cost more than my college tuition for more than 2 years, for my jaw surgery. So I don't want to ruin them, you know?). But honestly, sometimes I feel like I deserve to purge and lose all my teeth and burn my esophagus, because maybe then I will realize the damage I do to my body by eating. These kind of thoughts are so toxic, I know, but I cannot help it. I'm just so confused!

So here's my question for you: Do you think I have an eating disorder? And can one of you relate to my story? If so, please feel free to share your story with me too. I feel so alone and hopeless...