Eating Disorder Getting Worse + School

Hello Everybody,

I have been having a difficult time recently with my eating disorder - having relapsed. I know they behaviour is unhealthy but I just can't help it. So the problem is I have gained so much over the past year (when i was supposed to be in recovery) and I want to lose weight so that I can be healthier. So I have been working out a lot recently - at first it was ok and I thought I was doing everything right but my friends became to be concerned. I have been doing 2/3 hours a night running on the treadmill plus additional workouts depending on what I have eaten that day. I have not been a huge eater, even during the past year but I won't go over 200 cals now - I need to lose weight and I think thats the only way I can. Anyway I had a small breakdown yesterday when I was working out, as all my friends were messaging me telling me that they are concerned and stuff, and I decided that I was going to seek some professional support. (something I haven't done in all the years I have suffered.) My doctors isn't great and can be hard to get an appointment and I would like to keep my parents out (I am over 18 so shouldn't be a problem) so I decided to go to my college support and ask to see the counciller that comes in. Anyway, today I get an email from my teacher - he wants me to write a food diary of my week. We have been doing a nutrition unit and I completly understand this is a necessary part but it gets me so anxious - they keep saying it has to be of us and needs to be truthful - but 1. I don't want others knowing how much I eat, and making remaks 2. I don't want to have to think about food any more than I need to, I already think about it all the time. Plus this will cause my friends to say something which I defiantly don't want.

How would you handle this? Shall I do the food diary? I am starting to think I shouldn't ask my college for help - it took me so long to convince myself but now I am having second thoughts. I am so scared and I feel like I can't do anything right.

Thank you.