Scared to relapse (TW substance use)

I’ve currently been in a weird spot. I used to overthink a lot about foods, restricting, weighting myself, working out. And I’ve arrived at a weight where I don’t gain much anymore, but gaining is still a very present fear. I still check do body-checks, dive in thinspos or meanspos at times but I don’t fast.

See, i smoke a lot of weed. It makes me care less and the munchies just makes me binge. I eat everyday, three times a day, so much I could think I’m cured from any ed.

But as soon as I’m sober it comes back. I don’t know if that still counts as anorexia or if I’m just ‘normal’. I’m scared to relapse in it again. I’m not proud of eating so much, i hate myself for it. I don’t know if my past struggles with it are still valid, even though they still come back so aren’t very present anymore.

PS : I am not encouraging smoking weed to deal with an eating disorder. Emotional addiction is terrible, and negative health results do exist. I’m only talking personal experience. Stay safe everyone :)