Don't want to get better
Hello,
I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome a few years ago now, but a big part of me doesn't want to get better. Two reasons:
1) my younger brother died over 8 years ago and I'm worried if/when I do recover, grief will consume me and I'll have a massive breakdown and cry all the time, or not cry, just feel numb, etc. so I've shoved this to the back of my mind. Even when I start to think of him, I force myself not to.
(About 7 months after he died, I started going for tests at my hospital for a longterm condition to see if I needed surgery, then 2 years after he died, I had the surgery. It was a few years after that I was diagnosed with cfs so I haven't been able to properly process anything really I don't think.)
2) I'm worried that if/when I do recover, family and other people will force me to get a job right away and I'll end up in a dead-end job that I don't want (which has happened before). Or on a college course that I don't enjoy. Or if I do enjoy the course, at the end of it, people will expect me to get a job at the end.
I do have plans. I want to start my own business my way (I wouldn't be able to work full time even if I did fully recover due to another chronic condition I've had since birth), I want to travel, do voluntary work in different organisations in different sectors (e.g. animals, health sector, etc). I can't even focus on tiny things that I can do now, such as creative writing or art. Even meditation. My bedroom is a mess (it always has been), I find I can't motivate myself to do anything. Even when I can, the motivation just lasts that minute or less and then it just goes.
I don't know what to do or how to sort myself out. I have signed up to counselling so that may help. In the meantime, does anyone know how I can get myself going or keep on going?
Thank you.
@orangeWatermelon8349
I think I understand what you're saying. Right now you're in no position to carry the heavy burdens of grief, your future, others' expectations, etc. I admire the honesty you're 've shown here. All the things you mention are frightening and hard.
To be totally honest, I don't know much about CFS so I don't know what getting better means. But if you did decide to take steps in that direction, I think it's ok to trust yourself. By that I mean you only take the steps forward that you are strong enough to take in the moment. Does that make sense?
If I were having to learn to walk again and I knew that I'd be expected to run a marathon once I had recovered, it'd be overwhelming and I would want to stay in my wheelchair. But if I didn't allow myself to think beyond "what is the next small thing I can do?" I'd feel ok taking one step. Then a few when I felt strong enough. And maybe, when I was recovered enough, I'd dismiss the whole marathon nonsense and go dancing.
Maybe that's a lousy analogy. All I want to say is your life and your choices belong only to you. But if there are things you want in your life and you have to get better to have them, you don't have to allow these overwhelming issues to hold you back. You can just know that you'll deal with them when you're able.
I'm sorry for your loss.