i'm just tired of this, i'm tired of everything (rant)

recovery has no right to be this hard. I didn't choose to go through this and I just feel like im a burden on everyone around me. I feel like everyone just puts up with because they pity me. I feel like no one really cares. I feel like I am completely alone and even the people who have helped me in the past are tired of helping me now.

I feel like I can't be vulnerable, I am so guarded with everyone, I can't be truthful or let people see anyone other than the perfect person they think I am. I am struggling so much inside and I feel like no one notices that anything is wrong. that's my fault I suppose, for not letting them think differently.

I've just been dealing with this for so long, and I feel like im just did, I can't do anything right anymore. everything is building up again and this time I feel like I can't fight it again.

I just want to relapse and I want to scream out and cry out for someone to notice desperately but at the same time, I want them to never know the real me and always see the mask.

im just tired of my mind