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Older and Lost in Life

conscientiousCoconut115 April 5th, 2023

Hi. I’m not sure if I’m in the right area or where to start. I was looking around the site and don’t know what category I should write in. I chose here because depression debilitates me the most. I want to write a little about myself.

I don’t know if I have trauma, but several kinds of abuse over my lifetime. I am kind of a loner. I have problems with addictions, self harm, anxiety, and several disorders. I don’t know if all of them are accurate and suspect I have more than they think I do. Nobody really knows unless I decide to tell someone. I’ve always kind of flown under the radar.

Sometimes I think I am ok. Then the next moment I can’t get out of bed or have to drink to get through the night. I can’t remember ever being happy. I’m not ever just ok either. Anxious or depressed are basically my two main states.

I’m sure I’m a thrill to be around. I think I’m a nice person in general, but people usually lose interest once they start to know me. People tell me I think too much for them. I used to over share, but now I keep distance. I can’t decide if I like it better that way or if I secretly want to be closer. I’m extremely pessimistic about what I thought friendships were supposed to be.

There are some good things I’m thankful for. People don’t seem to want to hear about that either. I really don’t understand what they want from me, other than my ear. Does anyone out there actually want to have a deep meaningful friendship where they care about the other person?

What makes it harder is that I hear so many people make fun of other people for being whiny or a downer. I don’t want to open up if that’s how they’ll talk about me.

I’m an older adult, and it scares me that I might not ever get better. I don’t have a lot of faith like I used to. I wrote somewhere else that I’ve spent so much time and money on therapy, books and medicines. I’m so lost as to what else to try. I don’t really know why I’m here. I’m lonely and scared and am trying to find a spark.

3
SolarGenerator April 8th, 2023

I read your story @conscientiousCoconut115 . I can feel it inside.

I'm happy to discuss sometime.

1 reply
conscientiousCoconut115 OP April 21st, 2023

Hi. I’m sorry for my late reply. I have been feeling quiet recently. I want to thank you for your response. There was something powerful in it for me.

@KrillCactus

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bestVase7265 April 22nd, 2023

This is a great spot to try to find that spark.

Do you feel any better than you did a few weeks ago?

It can be a struggle sometimes, but it can also get better.

Thanks so much for sharing your story here. I too am older, but I know that life does change shape sometimes in ways that you don't expect.

You will find lots of good people here who will listen and who won't turn away. It is a good place to start healing through sharing. @conscientiousCoconut115