Older and Lost in Life

Hi. I’m not sure if I’m in the right area or where to start. I was looking around the site and don’t know what category I should write in. I chose here because depression debilitates me the most. I want to write a little about myself.

I don’t know if I have trauma, but several kinds of abuse over my lifetime. I am kind of a loner. I have problems with addictions, self harm, anxiety, and several disorders. I don’t know if all of them are accurate and suspect I have more than they think I do. Nobody really knows unless I decide to tell someone. I’ve always kind of flown under the radar.

Sometimes I think I am ok. Then the next moment I can’t get out of bed or have to drink to get through the night. I can’t remember ever being happy. I’m not ever just ok either. Anxious or depressed are basically my two main states.

I’m sure I’m a thrill to be around. I think I’m a nice person in general, but people usually lose interest once they start to know me. People tell me I think too much for them. I used to over share, but now I keep distance. I can’t decide if I like it better that way or if I secretly want to be closer. I’m extremely pessimistic about what I thought friendships were supposed to be.

There are some good things I’m thankful for. People don’t seem to want to hear about that either. I really don’t understand what they want from me, other than my ear. Does anyone out there actually want to have a deep meaningful friendship where they care about the other person?

What makes it harder is that I hear so many people make fun of other people for being whiny or a downer. I don’t want to open up if that’s how they’ll talk about me.

I’m an older adult, and it scares me that I might not ever get better. I don’t have a lot of faith like I used to. I wrote somewhere else that I’ve spent so much time and money on therapy, books and medicines. I’m so lost as to what else to try. I don’t really know why I’m here. I’m lonely and scared and am trying to find a spark.