Hi

I'm not quite sure why I'm here, what I'm looking for.

I've lived with depression and anxiety as long as I can remeber. I was diagnosed with separation anxiety as a 5 year old after we moved from one country to another and all I knew was my mother and grandmother. Depression since I was 9 after my two half sisters were born, which was then made worse by bullying at school, which then brought about social anxiety.

I have literally no friends outside of my World of Warcraft guild. I wouldn't say they are friends though, really. Just people I play a game with. I had a sexually and emotionally abusive ex, who I lived with for 7 years and had a child with. He's the reason I have no real life friends left, he pushed them all away.

I'm disabled, I spend 8-12 hours a day stuck inside 4 walls alone while my current partner works. I live 250 miles away from any family (including my daughter, she lives with my mother and step-dad,) with no way of returning currently, and even then, the only family member that made me feel loved and part of the family died in 2016.

My disability brings with is chronic pain, I can't have sex and with depression mixed in, I don't want sex. My partner does. I do the worst thing and I snoop because I'm paranoid they want to leave, I found that they told a friend only a few days ago, that it's like living with a roommate. We have stupid, petty arguments because we are both frustrated at the situation, they also suffer from anxiety and depression, as well as the body disphoria that comes with being transgender. They also have spinal issues which causes them some pain.

I constantly feel on edge, terrified of being homeless again. I spend so much time alone with my own thoughts I stew in them and it drives up my anxiety which causes yet more arguments... It's a vicious cycle.

I'm on medication, anti-anxieties, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, alongside my painkillers and muscle relaxants. I feel like a bomb, waiting to explode into a mess of screaming and tears. I've managed to keep myself from self-harm and suicide attempts, but it gets more difficult every day.