Hello from Screen

I've been on this site a while but never came to the Depression sub before. I'll be honest; I'm biased against it. I know it's stupid to be in denial. I don't have a diagnosis because I don't want one. I don't like the connotations the label "depressed" has and despite the fight for reduced stigma, in the circles I operate in IRL, I know I'll be judged and I don't want that. But that's my personal grudge to bear. I have no bias against people with Depression.

But I can't keep running away. I've been having emotional issues for 8 years and managed to ignore it long enough for it to grow into emotional outbursts (both angry and sad), and struggles with SH and ideation. I don't know what I'm allowed to talk about here, some sites are picky on what you can and can't say so I'll avoid too much detail.

Basically I'd say I'm near rock bottom. It wouldn't look that way to others; I have a job, food, a roof over my head, no financial trouble, no issues socialising, friends. I make my shifts on time and I remember everything I need to. But life is a bore, and I don't know what I get up for anymore. My friends are miles away from me and too poor with not enough holidays for me to see them regularly. My other friends are my work colleagues and I can't confide in them because they're both gossipy and I don't want them to spill stuff into the workplace. I hate being at home with my family even for a few days and avoid them at all costs, but I also have to not let them know anything is wrong at the same time, and pretend like I love them as much as they love me. I don't, can't, feel love. I'll never have a relationship, never have kids because I don't want anyone to have to live in the world we live in now, and I feel like everything I do is just a distraction until I die. But I can't be honest about it to anyone because I don't want them to react badly. Only people who've experienced it can truly understand what it is to feel like this, empty and hollow in a world full of experiences and opportunities.

So yeah, sad and miserable but that's me. I've spent a long time avoiding labels and trying to fix what's wrong, but 3 counsellors down I feel like I've only got worse the more I picked apart my life and realised how empty it is. Even the stuff they recommend like exercise, healthy eating, activities, new hobbies, none of that makes a difference anymore no matter how many times I do it.

I'll hope some stuff in here helps, even if it's just to vent to stop me exploding.

Thanks for having me.